Plays 2 Read online

  Shrimp (affecting horror) Phew. Blimey.

  Duchess He’d be gorn, entirely gorn.

  Shrimp Don’t get in a state.

  Duchess One worries so.

  Shrimp Your glass is empty. Let me take it for you.

  She ogles the Duke, who has begun to hover.

  Duchess No, please, my dear. That’s what penguin-men are for.

  Shrimp My pleasure. Really.

  She takes the glass and flirts her way outrageously past the Duke, who totters to lean on a chair-back. Shrimp goes to the buffet. The Duchess has missed all this byplay.

  Duchess (to Madame Vidauban) What a delightful young woman.

  Madame Vidauban Delightful.

  Shrimp returns from the buffet, and tickles the Duke in passing. He giggles, foolishly.

  Shrimp (to him) Aren’t you the sly one?

  Duchess And so refined.

  Madame Vidauban Oh yes.

  Shrimp returns to the group, the picture of innocence, leaving the Duke goggling.

  Shrimp There you are, Duchess.

  Duchess My dear, how kind.

  Shrimp My treat. (Looking sideways at the Duke.) I enjoyed myself.

  Duchess Too kind.

  The Duke rushes out on to the terrace. Shrimp shrugs.

  Shrimp (aside) Half-wit.

  Duchess One’s overwhelmed.

  Enter Mayor and Petypon.

  Mayor So that’s a Watteau.

  Petypon (detracted, trying to find Shrimp) Oh, yes. All of it, entirely.

  He sees her leaning over the back of the Duchess’s chair, talking animatedly.

  Petypon My God.

  He rushes up and gives her a sharp slap on the bottom.

  Shrimp (starting up) Pig.

  Duchess (astonished) Pardon?

  Shrimp No, no, my husband. Excuse me a moment.

  Duchess Of course, my dear.

  Shrimp (to Petypon) Now what?

  Petypon You’re mad. That Duchess is a Duchess.

  Shrimp I know she’s a Duchess.

  Petypon What’ve you said to her? And how have you said it?

  Shrimp What’s that to you? I do what I like. And I say what I like. If you don’t like it …

  She does a high-kick over a chair.

  ‘Houp-la. This one’s for me.’

  The room falls silent.

  Petypon Oh.

  Everyone Ah.

  Shrimp (realising what she has done) Ooh.

  Petypon Ah well, it had to happen.

  General (enraptured) I say. Ain’t she marvellous? (Imitating her.) ‘Houp-la. This one’s for me.’

  Petypon seizes the opportunity, and rushes from guest to guest.

  Petypon It’s the latest craze. In Paris. Everyone’s doing it. You see it everywhere. ‘Houp-la …’

  He tries, and fails.

  Shrimp That’s right. Everyone’s doing it.

  Everyone They are?

  Petypon The Prince of Wales started it. The British Prince of Wales.

  Shrimp They’re all at it now.

  Everyone (in a confused murmur) How strange. I say. What a curious idea. (Etc.)

  Petypon (suddenly inspired) Isn’t that right, Madame Vidauban?

  Madame Vidauban Pardon? (With conviction.) Yes, that’s right, that’s right.

  Petypon (to the others) There you are.

  General astonishment.

  Madame Hautignol (to Madame Vidauban) You knew about it?

  Madame Vidauban (unruffled) Well, naturally I knew.

  Madame Ponant I’ve never seen you do it.

  Madame Vidauban Never seen me …? I never stop. I do it all the time. Don’t I, Roy?

  Vidauban (with great conviction) Yes, m’dear.

  Madame Vidauban Never seen me do it? Well, well, well.

  She does a high-kick over a chair.

  ‘Houp-la. This one’s for me.’

  Everyone Oh.

  Petypon Phew.

  Shrimp (hopping about, as delighted as a child) She did it, she did it.

  Petypon (catching hold of her) All right. That’s enough.

  Mayor (aside to his wife) There, Liliane. That’s what I meant. Little things like that. Paris trifles. Learn them. Look carefully, and learn.

  Mayoress Oh, yes, I will.

  She takes a chair and practises. The whole room follows suit. Then there is a distant fanfare and brass band music. Everyone stops.

  Everyone What’s that? What’s happening?

  General Fire Brigade Band. Émile said they’d arrived. Ladies and gentlemen, outside. Terrace. Concert.

  Everyone makes for the terrace. The General goes up to Petypon, who is with Shrimp at the buffet, and takes his arm.

  General Come on, come on.

  Petypon (resisting) The thing is, Uncle Charles, I …

  General Yes, yes: your wife. Tell you one thing, she must be sick of this. Jealous husband. Sick of it. Come along.

  He pushes him to the exit, and while getting his hat, notices the Mayoress, still practising high-kicks. He starts clapping.

  General Bravo, hey, bravo.

  Mayoress (startled) Oh.

  She rushes out. The General and Petypon follow. No one is left but the Duke and Shrimp. He’s extremely apprehensive.

  Shrimp Kiss me.

  Duke Eh?

  Shrimp Kiss me, dummy.

  Duke (absolutely terrified) Oh. Er. I.

  After a moment’s hesitation, he goes to peck her on the cheek, but at the last moment, she turns her head and delivers a short but passionate kiss full on the lips. He starts, at first with anguish, then with appreciation.

  Shrimp There you are. That didn’t hurt.

  Duke Oh no.

  Shrimp I could really go for you.

  Duke You could?

  Shrimp Come and see me in Paris.

  Duke But your husband …

  Shrimp Don’t worry about him.

  She leads him to a sofa, and sits.

  It won’t bite you.

  Duke What won’t?

  She pulls him to sit.

  Shrimp Sit closer, closer.

  She rocks him like a baby.

  See? You like it.

  Duke Oh yes.

  Shrimp Show me how much, then. Kiss me, dummy.

  Duke Rather!

  He kisses her neck greedily.

  Shrimp I knew you’d like it.

  Enter Petypon.

  Petypon Arg!

  Duke (struggling to stand up) It’s your husband. Let go.

  Shrimp (holding on) Never mind him.

  Duke Let me go.

  He jerks free. Petypon confronts Shrimp.

  Petypon Suppose someone else had seen you?

  Duke (aside, astonished) I say!

  Shrimp Don’t start again.

  Petypon This is how to behave, is it? Sprawling with Dukes all over the sofa.

  Shrimp Where d’you want us to sprawl?

  Petypon Nowhere. Look, in Paris, do what you like. But for heaven’s sake, down here, behave yourself.

  Shrimp shrugs.

  Duke (aside) Stand up to him. Be masterful. (As Petypon approaches.) Eek!

  Petypon Your Grace, I understand. She’s a woman, you’re a … man. You’re young, she’s pretty. In Paris, there’ll be nothing to stop you. But down here: suppose the General, or anyone else but me …

  Duke What? Oh. Rather. Rather. (To Shrimp.) He has got a point.

  Shrimp He’s a gorilla.

  Petypon That’s not fair. Your Grace, I appeal to you. Am I a gorilla?

  Duke (to Shrimp) That is a bit strong. I mean, a gorilla.

  Petypon There, you see? The Duke agrees with me.

  Shrimp He knows nothing about gorillas.

  Petypon He knows everything about gorillas. Shh! Someone’s coming.

  He goes to look.

  My God, Gabrielle. It’s Gabrielle.

  He rushes to Shrimp and starts pulling her towards the terrace.

  Petypon Come on,
come on. Come on.

  Shrimp What’s the matter now?

  Petypon Never mind. Come on.

  Shrimp (blowing kisses to the Duke) See you later, sweetie.

  Petypon Never mind that. Come on.

  Exeunt.

  Duke Odd fellow. Never mind. Masterful, eh? I must tell Mama. ‘Get in with the wrong sort of gel …’ If she could see me now!

  Enter Gabrielle, preceded by Émile with her suitcase.

  Gabrielle Thank you, Émile. Put that in my room, will you?

  Émile Which room, Madame? All the rooms are taken, Madame.

  Gabrielle Of course they are. And one of them’s taken by Madame Petypon.

  Émile Oh yes, Madame.

  Gabrielle Well, put the case in there.

  Émile Whatever you say, Madame.

  Exit.

  Duke (hugging himself) One glance. They can always tell …

  He sees Gabrielle.

  Duke I say. Sorry.

  Gabrielle No, no. I’m sorry. I’ve just got off the train. I haven’t had time to change.

  Duke Oh, not on my account.

  Gabrielle The General’s here.

  The brass band music gets louder.

  Duke Oh, is he? I mean, he is. Outside. But after he’s been outside, he’ll be … inside.

  Gabrielle I’ll go and change.

  Exit.

  Duke The thing is … oh, she’s gone. What a funny woman.

  Outside, on the terrace, a line of Guests has formed, bach to the audience. We can see the Firemen’s helmets, and their banner, and nothing else. They are watching the General, out of our sight in the garden. The band music ends, and he clears his throat.

  General Errrrrhmph! Harrmmph! Gentlemen. First, Second Auxiliary Volunteer Fire Brigades. Fine body of men. Old soldier, heart swells with pride. Flag, don’t you know. Flag of honour, fluttering, band, er, banding. As Napoleon said, Battle of … wherever it was … No, never mind. Point is: pride, respect, gratitude. Brass bands, firemen, backbone of the country. Well done, hey? Keep up good work, and, um, carry on. That’s the ticket. Carry on and as you were. What, hey?

  Cheers and applause.

  Firemen Three cheers for the happy couple! Hurrah, hurrah, hurrah.

  General Beer, cider. In the kitchen.

  Firemen Three cheers for the General! Hurrah, hurrah, hurrah.

  General Later. Play again later. Now: kitchen. At the double.

  The company breaks up. The clan of Ladies moves indoors, followed by the General and kis Officers, and the Curé.

  Madame Ponant That was charming.

  Madame Virette Exquisite.

  Madame Claux Quite delightful.

  She high-kicks over the nearest chair.

  ‘Houp-la! This one’s for me!’

  Everyone Bravo!

  Madame Claux If it’s good enough for Paris …

  General Anyone seen my nieces?

  Guérissac Sir, in the rose-garden. Madame Petypon was walking with Mamzelle Clémentine.

  General Showing her ropes. Hey? Paris ropes?

  Curé General Petypon, I wonder … it did occur to me …

  General Occurred? What occurred?

  Curé Apparently Madame Petypon is an excellent musician.

  General That so, hey?

  Curé She tells me she often sings.

  Madame Vidauban Oh, we must ask her.

  Madame Ponant Delightful.

  Madame Hautignol Just a verse or two …

  General Good idea. Soon as she comes in, I’ll ask her.

  Everyone Bravo, bravo!

  They all talk animatedly. Enter Gabrielle. She has changed out of her travelling clothes. She doesn’t see the General, he doesn’t see her.

  Gabrielle That’s better. Now, where’s the General?

  Madame Ponant My dear General, another guest. Do introduce us.

  General Who to?

  Madame Ponant That lady, there.

  General Good Gad. Her again.

  Gabrielle (to the Officers) Gentlemen, have you seen the General?

  Chamerot The General?

  General Why here?

  Guérissac He’s over there.

  Gabrielle Ah, so he is.

  General Invited? Never.

  Gabrielle (excitedly, running to him) Oh, General.

  General Kind of yer.

  Gabrielle I’m sorry I’m so late. I had to change trains … I’d no idea it was this afternoon …

  General Sorry, I’m sure.

  Gabrielle I had them take my cases right up.

  General Pardon? (Aside, to the Ladies.) She’s not quite …

  Gabrielle My husband sends his apologies. Some kind of emergency. Deep apologies.

  General (half to the Ladies, half to her) Apologies, hey? Husband, hey? No one else available?

  Gabrielle Who d’you mean?

  General Ha ha! I think you know. (To the Ladies.) I think she knows.

  Enter the Duchess and the Mayor.

  Gabrielle I felt I had to come on ahead. To be at your side. Ghosts or no ghosts, my simple duty.

  General Ghosts. Yes. You believe in ghosts.

  Gabrielle I’m here, that’s the main thing. (Drawing him to one side.) General …

  General Madame?

  Gabrielle (in a low voice) Won’t you introduce me?

  General What? Oh. Pleasure.

  He goes towards the Ladies, saying aside:

  Thing is, what’s her name? Her name? (To the Ladies, aside, while Gabrielle neatens herself, ready for the introduction.)

  Ladies, like you to meet … Thing is, don’t ask her name. Can’t remember. Don’t like to ask, some people annoyed to be asked. All I know is: friend of my niece, doncha know, my niece.

  Madame Vidauban A lady from Paris?

  General That’s the fellah.

  Ladies (rising) We’d be delighted.

  Madame Vidauban Charmed.

  The Ladies line up to be introduced.

  General Ladies, allow me … (Quickly.) Madame Whatever-her-wretched-name-is.

  Madame Vidauban Pardon?

  General (aside to her) I told you. (Aloud.) Madame Vidauban.

  Madame Vidauban Enchanted.

  Gabrielle Delighted.

  Madame Vidauban high-kicks over a convenient chair.

  Madame Vidauban ‘Houp-la! This one’s for me!’

  Gabrielle Good gracious!

  The General bungs forward the Mayoress.

  General Lady Mayoress.

  Mayoress (timidly) Madame, enchanted.

  Gabrielle Delighted.

  Mayoress (high-kicking ineptly) ‘Houp-la! This one’s for me!’

  The line moves up one place.

  Gabrielle (meanwhile) Two of them?

  General Madame Hautignol.

  Gabrielle Madame.

  Madame Hautignol Madame, delighted.

  Gabrielle (aside) Will she …?

  Madame Hautignol (high-kicking) ‘Houp-la! This one’s for me!’

  Gabrielle (aside) It’s an old country custom. (Aloud.) Thank you, Madame.

  General Madame Virette, Madame Claux.

  Gabrielle Mesdames.

  Mesdames Claux and Virette (together) Madame.

  They both high-kick over the same chair, from opposite sides, and land each other hefty kicks.

  ‘Houp-la! This one’s …’ Ow!

  Madame Virette I do beg your pardon.

  Madame Claux My fault entirely.

  Madame Virette I hope I didn’t hurt you.

  Madame Claux It was nothing …

  Gabrielle (aside) You never see that in Paris.

  General Last but not least, Canon.

  Curé Madame, I’m honoured.

  Gabrielle No Father, the honour’s mine.

  Curé (high-kicking) ‘Houp-la! This one’s for me!’

  He joins the Ladies, who congratulate him.

  Gabrielle (aside) Perhaps he started it.

  She crosses to the Ladies. />
  Gabrielle You must excuse me, ladies. The train … I had to change trains …

  General Yes, yes, we know.

  He notices the Duchess, talking to the Mayor.

  General (aside) Ha-hey. Duchess. (Aloud.) Your Grace, allow me … Madame … er … (As before.) Whatever-her-wretched-name-is.

  Duchess I’m sorry? I didn’t quite catch –

  General (aside to her) Tell you later. (To Gabrielle.) Her Grace, Duchess of Valmonté.

  Gabrielle Your Grace, enchanted.

  She high-kicks like the others.

  ‘Houp-la. This one’s for me.’ (Aside.) When in Rome …

  Ladies (whispenng aside) Did you see that? You can see she’s from Paris.

  Madame Hautignol Thank goodness she knows we know.

  Duchess The thing is, my dear, one’s great age doesn’t quite permit …

  Gabrielle I’m sorry?

  The Duchess picks up enough of her skirt to reveal her ankles, then sketches a gentle circle of her foot above the ground.

  Duchess ‘Houp-la. This one is indubitably mine.’

  Gabrielle Oh, your Grace. Your Grace.

  She turns to the General.

  Gabrielle Now, don’t worry about a thing. I’ll take charge right away.

  General What was that?

  Gabrielle (passing round the guests) Please do sit down, ladies. Madame, please take a seat. If you’d be kind enough, Madame. Over here, Madame … (To the General.) There! We’re ready. We have arranged some music?

  General Soon as my niece comes in, askin’ her to sing.

  Gabrielle Your niece. Charming girl. I can hardly wait to meet her.

  General Feels same about you, I’m sure.

  Gabrielle (to the guests) Ladies and gentlemen, please do be patient. When the General’s niece comes in, we’re asking her to sing.

  Guests We know. We know already.

  Gabrielle You know already?

  General Course they know.

  Gabrielle Well, never mind.

  General (aside) Where does she think she is?

  Gabrielle Will you take some refreshment, dear lady? And you, Madame, some small refreshment? And you, Madame …?

  General What’s she playing at?

  Gabrielle has reached Madame Vidauban.

  Gabrielle Dear lady, some refreshment? No, I insist …

  She turns, to find herself facing Émile, who is coming from the buffet with a tray of glasses.

  Gabrielle Footman. Over here. Bring the drinks over here. Be quick about it.

  Émile looh at the General for guidance.

  General Pass ’em round. Have to humour ’em.

  Émile bows and passes them round.

  General (aside) Unbelievable.

  Footman (at the door) Monsieur and Madame Tournoy.