Plays 2 Read online

  Madame Claux joins them, all agog.

  Madame Claux You’ll never guess, my dears.

  Ladies What?

  Madame Claux I’ve seen her petticoat.

  Ladies Whose?

  Madame Claux Hers. Madame Petypon’s.

  Ladies You haven’t.

  Madame Claux I promise you. Pink lawn. Cut wide … wide …

  Madame Ponant Wide?

  Madame Hautignol I knew it! There you are. Madame Courtois says petticoats should be narrow, clinging.

  Madame Ponant ‘The latest style from Paris.’

  Madame Claux You could take hers in each hand and stretch your arms wide, it would still hang loose. And panelled at the front, panelled. Yards of lace. It’s gorgeous.

  Ladies Really.

  Madame Hautignol (with curiosity) But however did you see it?

  Madame Claux Ah. I was subdety itself.

  Madame Ponant As always, as always.

  Madame Claux I waited till there was no one near her. Then I went up and said, ‘Dear Madame Petypon, I’m dying for a peek at your petticoat.’

  Ladies (adminngly) Oh.

  Madame Virette Just like that?

  Madame Claux Just like that. Then … as graciously as anything … with the right hand like this … she took her overskirt … like this … and with a movement so … so refined – the leg as well as the arms, my dears – she threw it over her head like this … ‘Houp-la!’ (She imitates the movement of a cancan dancer) I could see nothing but a cascade of rose and lace … and in the middle of it all, a leg drawing arabesques in the air.

  Ladies You didn’t.

  Madame Claux I did.

  Ladies (almost swooning with rapture) Oh my dear … my dear …

  Madame Claux That’s all there is to it.

  Madame Ponant It’s what I’ve always said. People only really dress in Paris.

  Footman (at the door) Monsieur and Madame Vidauban.

  This announcement is received with an excited murmur. The General rises, trying to remember what the name means to him.

  General Vidauban? Don’t remind me. Vidauban?

  Madame Virette Our friend from Paris, General. The lady from Paris, who lends such an air to all our evening parties.

  Enter Vidauban and Madame Vidauban, she easy and smiling, he typical of men whose wives are acknowledged beauties.

  General Dear lady, pleased to meetcha. Vidauban, ha hey.

  Madame Vidauban sMy dear General, the pleasure’s ours. Ain’t that so, Roy?

  Vidauban Oh yes, my dear.

  Madame Vidauban descends on the four Ladies.

  Madame Vidauban My dears, good evening. (To Madame Hautignol.) What a charming ensemble. (Expertly.) It’s a Paris gown. (To Madame Ponant.) Dear Madame, I missed you this morning. Market day. We did have an arrangement.

  Madame Ponant I’m sorry, at the last moment something …

  Madame Vidauban Everyone was there today. (To the General.) Now, do introduce me to that delightful Madame Petypon. Everyone tells me what a charming young gel she is.

  General Meet people in the market?

  Madame Vidauban The Wednesday market. Our Champs-Elysées, you know. The whole world is there.

  General Harumph. Never mind. Allow me now, introduce, you know.

  Madame Vidauban We’ll be delighted. Ain’t that so, Roy?

  They move with the General to the buffet to meet Shrimp.

  Madame Glaux ‘Ain’t that so, Roy?’ She’s mortified.

  Ladies Why?

  Madame Claux One minute she’s the authority on Paris manners and fashions, the next, someone arrives who knows twice as much as she does.

  Madame Hautignol Well, it serves her right. All that ‘In Paris, one always does this … In Paris, one never does that.’

  Madame Ponant She hasn’t spent a week in Paris in her life. I always say Toulouse is the nearest she’s ever been to Paris.

  Ladies You do. You always do.

  Madame Hautignol nods towards Shrimp and Madame Vidauban, who are greeting each other effusively.

  Madame Hautignol She’ll do herself an injury.

  Madame Vidauban (to Shrimp, gushing) Not at all, my dear. I always say exacdy what I mean. I do.

  Shrimp Oh, so do I. I do. Oh blimey, yes.

  Petypon (gushing even more) Too kind. You really are too kind.

  Shrimp (exaggeratedly) No, you are.

  Madame Vidauban If you’d any idea how delighted I am to meet someone else from Paris. We’re so cut off down here.

  Petypon Ah. Cut off.

  Madame Vidauban I mean, one is the only one down here who carries the torch of Paris in this dreary place.

  Madame Virette (to her clan) Just hear her.

  Shrimp So what part of Paris do you come from?

  Madame Vidauban Oh, you know …

  Madame Claux (through her teeth) The Toulouse part, naturally.

  Madame Vidauban One always lived in Paris. One simply did.

  Madame Claux (to the clan) One simply does.

  Madame Vidauban Then of course, when one got married, you understand … one’s husband has business interests …

  She indicates Vidauban, who bows.

  Madame Vidauban But even though one’s self is here in the country, one’s soul remains in Paris.

  Madame Claux Oh, my dear.

  Petypon You do pay it a visit now and then?

  Madame Vidauban Eight days every autumn. But one keeps oneself au fait with the salons. It’s as if one were there in person.

  Émile delivers a glass of orange squash to Shrimp, on a salver.

  Shrimp Ta. (To Madame Vidauban.) Please excuse me. I must deliver this.

  Petypon (quickly) Yes, matter of life and death. Excuse me.

  Madame Vidauban Not at all.

  Shrimp makes for the clan, Petypon dogging her heels.

  Shrimp Will you stop following me around?

  Petypon What d’you expect? ‘Wet your whistles.’ You can’t help coming out with them, can you?

  Shrimp So what? ‘Wet your lips’, ‘Wet your whistles’, at least people know what I’m talking about.

  She such from the straw, loudly.

  Petypon I’d rather they didn’t.

  Shrimp shrugs, takes a last suck, then holds out the rest of the drink to Madame Hautignol, swiping it out of range of Petypon who tries to snatch it.

  Shrimp Your orange squash, Missus.

  Madame Hautignol Oh thank you, my dear.

  Shrimp I recommend it. (To Clémentine, who is coming towards her.) I’ve been looking for you everywhere.

  Madame Claux Did you know that our friend from Paris is really only from Toulouse?

  Shrimp Well, knock me sideways with a feather duster.

  She takes Clémentine to join Petypon.

  Madame Claux (to the clan) There. I’ve told her, and I’m not sorry.

  Shrimp and Clémentine are intercepted by the two

  Officers and the General. Petypon skids up to intercept.

  General Dear nieces. There you are. Everything all right for you?

  Shrimp and Clémentine Oh yes, Uncle Charles.

  Petypon (simultaneously, arriving) Oh yes, Uncle Charles.

  General What d’you mean, Oh yes, Uncle Charles’? Not talking to you. ‘Dear nieces,’ I said. You’re not my dear niece.

  Petypon Oh no. Sorry.

  General I’m not sorry. Bad enough having you for a nephew. No thanks. (To the Officers.) Hey, hey?

  Laughter. He goes to join Shrimp and Clémentine, who are with the Curé.

  General So glad you get on, the pair of you.

  Clémentine Yes, Uncle Charles.

  General Breeding. Always shows. Clémentine, don’t forget. Cousin here: tips, pick up tips.

  Clémentine Yes, Uncle Charles.

  General ‘Yes, Uncle Charles.’ ‘Yes, Uncle Charles.’ Sound like parrot. Say something else, God dammit.

  Curé Oh.

  Clémen
tine (scandalised) Uncle Charles.

  General (not at all put out) … as the padre’s always sayin’.

  Curé (scandalised) Oh, General.

  He retreats upstage, making a faint sign of the cross.

  General (to Shrimp) Needs you. Lick her into shape. Know what I mean?

  Shrimp Uncle Charles, no trouble. In a moment or two I’ll take her into a corner and show her how to be’ave in company.

  General Bravo.

  Petypon That I can’t wait to see.

  Shrimp and Clémentine move away. Petypon goes to join them, but is bhcked by the General. They try left and right, but still block each other, unintentionally.

  General Damn fool. Keep left. (To the Officers, following.) Look at him. Jealous. Can’t leave her for a moment.

  He turns to find the Curé, watching Petypon and Shrimp arguing animatedly in front of the buffet.

  Curé Such a pleasure to see such a devoted couple.

  General Yes, yes.

  He leaves them. The Curé goes to Guérissac and Chamerot, who are so busy looking at Shrimp that they don’t notice him.

  Guérissac D’you know: amazing. More I see of her, more I think I know her from somewhere.

  Chamerot I say, yah, me too.

  Curé Can’t see it myself.

  Chamerot But where? Simply can’t place the woman. Where?

  They rejoin the General. Shrimp is the centre of attention once again. Petypon is at his wits’ end.

  Everyone (laughing) Hahahahahaha.

  Petypon (tearing his hair) Argh.

  Madame Claux So witty.

  Madame Hautignol So amusing.

  Madame Ponant How well she puts things.

  Everyone Hahahahahaha.

  Shrimp (innocently) What’s the matter? Something tickle your fancy?

  Petypon grabs her hand and pulls her away.

  Shrimp Now what?

  Petypon ‘Now what?’ Can’t you see the effect you’re having?

  Shrimp This is a bit bloody much, you know.

  Petypon What?

  Shrimp Just leave me alone.

  Petypon What about breakfast this morning? D’you think ladies in high society go around saying: ‘Oho, Reverend, what’s this? Footsy-footsy under the table, eh?’

  Shrimp For heaven’s sake. He was trampling me to death.

  Petypon Oh really?

  Shrimp Yes. My feet. My plates of meat.

  Petypon I’m sure the poor man was quite oblivious.

  Shrimp Well, good for him. I wasn’t, I can tell you.

  Petypon Fortunately they can’t get enough of you. All I’m saying is, be careful.

  Shrimp Now look here: shut it.

  Petypon Shut what?

  Shrimp (doing it for him) Your mouth. Oaf.

  Petypon Pfui.

  Without pause, Shrimp addresses the Curé, who is approaching with a glass.

  Shrimp That’s right, Reverend, you fill your boots. (To Petypon.) Stop kicking me.

  Curé I must confess, even the cloth, dear lady, does not absolve us from human frailty. Alas, alas.

  Petypon Alas.

  Shrimp I didn’t have a chance to say so before. That little song of yours, very nice. (Aside to Petypon.) That better, oaf?

  Curé Oh, really …

  Shrimp In fact, I’d like you to let me have it.

  Petypon (aside) Oh-oh.

  Shrimp I’ll have a go at it.

  Curé Madame, too kind.

  Petypon You’ve no idea. She can’t sing a note. (Through his teeth to her.) Can’t sing.

  Shrimp Of course I can sing.

  Curé (archly) I said so, as soon as I saw you. ‘She sings,’ I said.

  Shrimp Blimey, Reverend, we all of us sing a bit.

  Petypon (aside to her) Watch what you’re saying.

  Curé Of course you do. In Paris, everyone sings a bit.

  Shrimp Too kind, Reverend, too really kind.

  Petypon (trying to manoeuvre her away) Yes, yes, too kind, Reverend, too really kind.

  Footman (from the door) His Worship the Mayor and the Lady Mayoress.

  General Ah. (Calling.) My dear niece.

  Shrimp and Petypon go to him, Petypon arriving first.

  Shrimp and Petypon Yes, Uncle Charles?

  General (pushing Petypon aside) Might have guessed you’d come rushing up. (To the Mayor and Mayoress.) Allow me … er … (Introducing Shrimp.) Niece. (To Shrimp.) Mayor … Lady Mayoress.

  Mayor My dear young lady. I hope you’ll be very happy.

  General No, no, wrong gel. (Pointing to Clémentine.) Bride: this one.

  Mayor Aha. My dear, the same to you.

  General (pointing to Shrimp) This one married already. Husband: that fool there.

  Petypon Charming.

  General Petypon. Doctor. Nephew. (To Shrimp.) My dear, d’you mind? Her Worship, buffet?

  Shrimp Glad to oblige. (To the Mayoress.) Over here, your Highness.

  Mayoress Thank you. (To her husband.) You don’t mind, Camille?

  Mayor (indulgently) Nay, you run along. Oh, one thing …

  Mayoress Yes, Camille?

  Mayor (drawing her aside) You remember. What I told you?

  Mayoress No. What?

  Mayor Of course you do. (To Shrimp.) Excuse me, would you?

  Shrimp Any time.

  Mayor (aside to his wife) I said, keep your eyes open, see how the nobs behave. Learn a few manners. We may need them later on.

  Mayoress Oh yes.

  She starts away, then returns.

  But everyone knows you’re a butcher.

  Mayor Shh! Get on. She’s waiting.

  Shrimp (at the buffet) What can I offer you, your Highness? Mauled orange, glass of fizz-juice. Whaddyer fancy?

  Petypon Oh God.

  Mayoress I really can’t decide. Er … Whaddyer recommend?

  Petypon throws up kis arms and leaves them to it.

  General Nothin’ to see in here. Just Michelangelo.

  Mayor Who? Oh, the statue. Think he’d do one for me?

  General Doubt it. Dead. So they tell me.

  Mayor Could be awkward, that.

  Petypon has come up behind them and is listening.

  General Upstairs, doncha know, Watteau Room.

  Petypon They usually are.

  General What? Oh. No, Watteau.

  Petypon Watteau. Ah. What ho?

  General What’re you babblin’ about? Take his Worship upstairs. Show him Watteau.

  Petypon What Watteau?

  General Fool. In Watteau Room. Watteau.

  Petypon But my wife …

  General Not going to eat her. Jealous husbands! At the double.

  Petypon This way, your Worship.

  Mayor After you.

  Petypon No, after you.

  Mayor Entirely.

  Petypon There you are, then.

  He ushers the Mayor out, with a last aside to the audience.

  Petypon What can go wrong? She’s with the Lady Mayoress.

  Exit. Moment of general conversation. Then a sudden burst of laughter from a group containing the Duchess, Vidauban and Madame Vidauban.

  Duchess The gardener said that?. How rich!

  Madame Vidauban Your Grace, one heard it from the Cardinal’s own lips.

  Duchess One just can’t get the staff.

  Madame Vidauban After all, the depths of the countryside.

  Duchess You’re absolutely right. (Calling.) Guy. Guy.

  Shrimp (going to her) Hey, Duchess, you just went ‘Gee gee’.

  Duchess No, no. I was calling my son: glass of water.

  Shrimp Leave it to me. (At the top of her voice.) Émile! Oi, Émile! (Politely to the Duchess.) You have to catch their attention. (Loudly.) Chimp-features! Move it!

  Émile (coming up, frostily) Madame yelled?

  Shrimp A glass of water for her Ladyship. She’s parching here. (As he goes.) These penguin-men are all the same.

  The Duchess gives
a silvery laugh. The clan politely echoes her.

  Shrimp Have I said something funny?

  Duchess ‘Penguin-man’. One’s never heard that before.

  Shrimp You’re joking. Penguin-man?

  Duchess One sees what it means, of course. One has simply never heard it.

  Another silvery laugh, echoed by the clan.

  Shrimp Well, blow me down. She’s never heard of a penguin-man. (Heartily, nudging Madame Vidauban.)

  That’s a good one. A Duchess, never heard of a penguin-man.

  Madame Vidauban (after a moment’s pause, nudging the next lady along) That’s a good one. A Duchess, never heard of a penguin-man.

  Shrimp I mean, what else would you call them?

  Madame Vidauban We call them that all the time, in Paris. Don’t we, Roy?

  Vidauban Oh. Er, rather.

  Emile brings a glass of water on a salver.

  Duchess Well, well, how very … (Looking at Émile through her lorgnette.) So you’re a penguin-man? (Taking the glass.) One does see that.

  Émile (aside, as he leaves) ‘One does see that.’

  Duchess Paris seems so far away sometimes. But never mind. You must meet one’s son. (Calling.) Guy.

  The Duke appears.

  Duke Yes, Mama?

  Shrimp You’re joking! This grown-up young man, your son?

  Duke One certainly is.

  Duchess He certainly is.

  Shrimp Well, well, well.

  Duchess One insists on one thing: he’s to spend some time in Paris, find out where his talents he.

  The Duke flashes the audience a roguish look: he thinks he knows.

  Madame Vidauban Where do his talents lie?

  Duchess Without experience, one hardly knows.

  The Duke looks innocent.

  Duchess Unfortunately, he has no experience.

  The Duke makes a face.

  Shrimp (aside) Another half-wit.

  Duchess One has a glimmering. He could be a writer.

  Madame Vidauban Of course, a writer.

  Shrimp He looks like a writer.

  Duchess And after all, we all know how to write.

  Shrimp Blimey, yes.

  Duchess The only thing is … Paris. He’s such an innocent, and in a year he comes into such an enormous fortune …

  Shrimp Does he?

  Duchess The poor boy’s delicate. And not only that … (Aside, so that the Duke can’t hear.) … one’s afraid he’s growing rather interested in … you do understand.

  Shrimp Oh, yes.

  Duchess They do, doncha know? Boys do.

  Shrimp Oh, they do.

  Duchess And if he should … I mean, the wrong sort of gel … imagine …