Plays 2 Read online

  The General moves towards them, but Gabrielle beats him to it.

  General Ah.

  Gabrielle Monsieur Tournoy, Madame Tournoy. How kind of you to come.

  She high-kich, to the bewilderment of the couple.

  ‘Houp-la. This one’s for me.’ I’m sorry to be so late. I had to change trains.

  Monsieur and Madame Tournoy That’s quite all right. Think nothing of it.

  General (to Gabrielle) Excuse me. D’you mind?

  Gabrielle I’m sorry. (To the Tournoys.) You haven’t met the General. (To him.) Monsieur and Madame Tournoy.

  General Past belief.

  Gabrielle Now, Madame, if you’d like to follow me to the buffet. This way. And Monsieur Tournoy too.

  General I say, I think I –

  Gabrielle No, please. Leave everything to me.

  General Beginnin’ to annoy me.

  Gabrielle There we are.

  General Look here, dear lady –

  Gabrielle (coquettishly) Oh, please. ‘Dear lady.’ Don’t call me ‘dear lady’.

  General What, then?

  Gabrielle (flirting) Well, that’s up to you. For example: what do you call your niece?

  General What? hey? ‘Niece.’

  Gabrielle All right, then, call me niece. That’ll be perfect. And I’ll call you Uncle Charles.

  General What?

  Gabrielle shakes his hand.

  Gabrielle Good afternoon, Uncle Charles.

  She kisses one cheek

  Dear Uncle Charles.

  She kisses his other cheek, then goes to join the Ladies.

  General (aside) Ought to be put away.

  Clémentine and Shrimp come in from the garden, arm in arm.

  General Ah, there you are. Where have you been?

  Clémentine I was picking up tips, Uncle Charles.

  Shrimp She was picking up tips, Uncle Charles.

  General Hope they worked.

  Clémentine Oh yes, Uncle Charles.

  General Har. (To Shrimp.) Now then. Surprise for you. Real surprise.

  Shrimp A surprise? What is it?

  She sees Gabrielle.

  Shrimp (aside) Ma Petypon. That’s what was wrong with him.

  The General is introducing Clémentine to Gabrielle.

  General Dear lady, my niece. Bride: Clémentine.

  Gabrielle How delightful. Congratulations, my dear. Congratulations.

  She kisses her forehead. Clémentine is confused.

  General Now: sure I don’t need to introduce you. Other niece …

  He makes an expansive gesture, which could indicate either Shrimp or Gabrielle.

  General Madame Petypon.

  Before Gabrielle can speak, Shrimp seizes her hand and shakes it hard.

  Shrimp Introduce us? That would be a joke. The General wants to know if he need introduce us. What a joke. What a joke. Is it really you?

  Gabrielle Pardon?

  Shrimp What a lovely surprise. How are you? How are you?

  Gabrielle (bewildered) Fine, thank you … er … and you?

  Shrimp Well, well, well. Let me look at you. How well you look. How very well. (To the room in general.) Doesn’t she look well?

  General Looks well enough.

  Shrimp Can you imagine, since I saw you last, I can’t tell you … Jean-Jacques has been so ill.

  Gabrielle Has he?

  Shrimp Fortunately he was better in time for the wedding.

  Gabrielle Oh, good.

  Shrimp You know, Suzanne.

  Gabrielle Suzanne?

  Shrimp She married Frédéric.

  Gabrielle Who?

  Shrimp Frédéric. You know.

  Gabrielle I do?

  Shrimp The fat one.

  Gabrielle That one.

  Shrimp That’s right. She married him. Who’d have thought it? ‘Frédéric’ – you know what she was like. And then she married him. Just shows, you can never tell. Is everything all right? You’ve gone all faint. Would you like something to drink? Mauled orange? Iced coffee? Lemonade?

  Gabrielle Bee-ee-eer.

  Shrimp Coming up. Just make yourself at home.

  General She has already.

  Gabrielle (utterly bewildered) Thank you. Er, thank you. Thank you.

  Shrimp I’ll fetch it. Just a moment.

  Gabrielle Yes. (Aside, as Shrimp goes.) Who on earth was that? ‘Madame Petypon’ the General said. But that’s my name. He never said hers. I’ll ask. (Taking the General aside.) Excuse me, General. Would you tell me something?

  General Only have to arsk.

  Gabrielle What’s that lady’s name?

  General What lady?

  Gabrielle The one you introduced to me just now.

  General (thinking this is a joke) Eh? Oh, har har. Very good. That’s a good one.

  Gabrielle Pardon?

  General That’s very good.

  Everyone laughs, and he goes to the buffet to tell Shrimp the joke.

  Gabrielle What’s the matter with everybody? (To Madame Vidauban.) Madame, excuse me …

  Madame Vidauban Yes, my dear?

  Gabrielle Could you please tell me the name of that lady? The one the General’s just introduced me to?

  Madame Vidauban Ah. Hahaha. Very good. Very good indeed.

  All laugh again. Gabrielle, discountenanced, moves away.

  Gabrielle (aside) I don’t see what’s so funny. (To the Curé, who is chatting to the Mayor.) Excuse me, Father, could you tell me …

  Curé It’s all right, I heard. Hahaha, very good. Really excellent. Hahaha.

  Guests Hahaha. Very good. Hahaha.

  Gabrielle Thank you. (Aside.) What a simple sense of humour. (To Émile, who is pasnng with his tray.) Excuse me, Émile. Tell me that lady’s name: the one talking to the General just now.

  Émile That’s Madame Petypon.

  He continues collecting glasses, moving away.

  Gabrielle Madame Petypon? The General’s remarried? Lucien never told me.

  She runs to Shrimp, seizes her hands, swings her round and takes her away from anyone else.

  Gabrielle Oh, come here. Let me look at you. Let me look at you.

  Shrimp What’s the matter?

  Gabrielle Can you imagine, I never knew. Émile’s just told me. You’re Madame Petypon!

  Shrimp Pardon?

  Gabrielle The wife of General Petypon.

  Shrimp What?

  Gabrielle (without stopping) Auntie!

  She kisses one cheek …

  Shrimp What?

  Gabrielle Auntie!

  … and the other one.

  Shrimp Lord, what larks.

  Everyone What on –?

  Gabrielle How marvellous. I’m delighted. It’s so exciting.

  She kisses one cheek again …

  Auntie!

  … and the other …

  Auntie!

  She runs to Madame Vidauban.

  Gabrielle Imagine, she’s my auntie.

  General (moving to Shrimp) What’s she calling you? Her aunt?

  Shrimp That’s right.

  General It never ends. Just now she was calling me her uncle.

  Ladies Was she?

  Shrimp She’s just trying to be friendly.

  General You mean she’s crazy.

  Curé (going to Gabrielle) Dear lady, did you find what you were asking?

  Gabrielle Yes thank you … Father.

  General I can’t stand it. I’m her uncle, you’re her auntie, and he’s … her father.

  He takes Guerissac to Gabrielle.

  General Dear lady …

  Gabrielle Yes, Uncle?

  General Don’t you want to meet your second cousin twice removed?

  Gabrielle That’s not my cousin.

  General (to Guérissac) Oh, what a shame. You’re not her cousin. Some other time.

  Gabrielle Oh, I forgot. Upstairs, I … I won’t be a moment. Do excuse me.

  She makes her way apologetica
lly through the crowd.

  Excuse me … I won’t be a moment … Do excuse me …

  Exit.

  General Quite, quite, mad.

  Everyone Extraordinary.

  The Curé tries to catch his eye.

  Curé Ahem … ahem … General …

  General What’s wrong with him?

  The Curé makes signs in Shrimp’s direction.

  General Oh yes. (To her.) I say, my dear, I ought to warn you: we’ve all been plotting.

  Shrimp What d’you mean?

  General Against you, my dear. We’d like you to sing something for us.

  Everyone Yes, yes.

  Shrimp You’re joking. I can’t sing.

  Curé (roguishly) Oh, now, now, you can.

  Everyone You can, you can.

  Shrimp I can’t.

  General If we asked very nicely?

  Shrimp I didn’t bring any music.

  Everyone (disappointed) Oh.

  Clémentine No, cousin, you did. I saw you carrying it this morning.

  Shrimp Oh, how could you?

  Duke Dear Madame, please sing us something.

  Shrimp You’d like that, would you, Dukey?

  Duke Oh yes.

  Shrimp Well, if you ask so nicely …

  Duke (radiant) Oh, Madame.

  Shrimp All right. But I must have my music.

  Clémentine I’ll fetch it. Where did you put it?

  Shrimp Silly, in the music room.

  Clémentine I won’t be a moment.

  Exit. The Footmen start ananging chairs.

  General (to the Officers) Gome on, lend a hand, you chaps: save a bit of time.

  Enter Petypon breathlessly.

  Petypon Phew. That’s that.

  Shrimp drags him aside.

  Shrimp Never mind ‘that’s that’. Your wife’s here.

  Petypon I know that.

  Shrimp What?

  Petypon I’ve just locked her in.

  Shrimp Eh?

  Petypon I saw her going into the bedroom; the key was outside, so: flim, flam, double-locked.

  Shrimp What good will that do?

  Petypon It gives me time. And boy, do I need time.

  Enter Clémentine.

  Clémentine Here’s your music, cousin.

  Everyone Bravo, bravo.

  Petypon What now? What music? What’re you doing now?

  Shrimp (as she opens her case) They want me to sing something.

  Petypon You’re mad. You can’t.

  Shrimp The Dukey asked ever so nicely.

  She goes to the piano, Petypon hard on her heels.

  Petypon I don’t care who asked you nicely. What’re you going to sing? Have you thought of that?

  Shrimp (leafing through sheet music) I don’t know. What about ‘She Was Only a Farmer’s Daughter’?

  Petypon Have you gone raving mad?

  Shrimp I see what you mean. What about this, then?

  Petypon That’s more like it.

  Shrimp waves the music.

  Shrimp All right, who’s tickling the ivories?

  General Er … Father?

  Curé No, no. I only … er, tickle the organ.

  General What d’you mean? If you can tickle one, you can tickle any of ’em.

  Curé I’d rather not.

  General Fair enough. (To the assembled company.) Does anyone here play the piano?

  The Duke indicates the Duchess.

  Duke Mama did play for Caruso once.

  Everyone Ah.

  General Your Grace, you will oblige us?

  Duchess One will do one’s best.

  Everyone Ah.

  General This way, your Grace.

  Duchess (taking his arm) Why, thank you.

  Everyone Bravo.

  Patter of applause as they go to the piano. The General sees Gabrielle’s travelling-case on it.

  General Who left this here? (Calling.) Émile.

  Émile Yes, sir?

  General Take this away, confound it.

  He throws him the case, and Émile removes it. Meanwhile, Shrimp has gone to the Duke.

  Shrimp (huskily) You see, Dukey? See what I’d do for you?

  Petypon (pulling her away) Yes, yes, all right, all right.

  Duke (to the whole room) Ain’t she charmin’?

  Thinking Shrimp is still beside him, he turns to kiss her. Petypon gets it.

  Duke Oh.

  Petypon Thanks.

  Duke Ugh.

  Petypon Not now. People are watching.

  Duke I should think they are. (Aside, as Petypon goes with Shrimp to the piano.) There’s no other word for it, she’s charmin’. I say, she never gave me her address.

  He goes to talk to Shrimp, but Petypon is in the way. They both step left and right to let the other pass, but remain in each other’s way.

  Duke Oh, sorry.

  Petypon Did you want something?

  Duke No. That is, yes. You’ll do just as well. What’s your address in Paris?

  Petypon (who has picked up a chair) My address? 66 bis avenue Malesherbes. Why?

  Duke Why? Er … (Looking roguishly at Shrimp.) I thought I might call.

  Petypon Really? We’d be delighted.

  Duke How kind.

  He holds out his hand to be shaken. Absent-mindedly Petypon holds out the chair. The Duke shakes it and is left holding it. Petypon returns to the piano.

  Duke (aside, gleefully) 66 bis avenue Malesherbes. She’s as good as mine!

  Petypon I had a chair, just now.

  Duke Oh, sorry. Thinking of something else.

  He gives back the chair.

  Petypon How generous.

  The Guests have taken their places, and Shrimp, having finished giving instructions to the Duchess, faces them, music in hand. She curtseys, and introduces the song.

  Shrimp ‘My Little Pussy-cat’.

  Everyone Oh. Sh. Aah.

  Petypon (aside) Good grief. Not that.

  The Duchess plays an introduction.

  Shrimp (singing)

  Alone in my attic room I sat.

  I gazed at the twinkling stars above,

  Stro-o-king my pussy-cat,

  That looked up at me with eyes of love.

  Stro-o-king my pussy-cat,

  My darling little pussy-cat.

  Everyone (applauding) Bravo. Charming. Delightful.

  Petypon (aside) All right so far.

  Shrimp (like a music-hall chairman) Sec-ond-ah Verse. (Singing.)

  Then my landlord, cruel and grim,

  Came to see me one fine day,

  To-oo-ook my cat with him,

  Stole my pussy-cat away.

  To-oo-ook my pussy-cat,

  My darling little pussy-cat.

  Everyone (applauding) Bravo, bravo.

  Guérissac (aside to Chamerot) Are you thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’?

  Chamerot If you’re thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’, why yes I am.

  Madame Hautignol (aside to Madame Ponant) D’you think this is Beethoven?

  Madame Ponant Undoubtedly.

  Madame Hautignol I thought it was.

  Shrimp, who has been spending this time conferring with the Duchess, returns to her place.

  Shrimp Last-ah Verse.

  Everyone (pleased) Ah.

  Shrimp The sad one. (Singing.)

  Lord, I pray you, from on high

  Look down on my miseree;

  Hee-hee-hear my piteous cry,

  And send my pussy back to me.

  Send me back my pussy-cat,

  My darling little pussy-cat.

  Everyone Aah. Bravo, bravo. What a delightful voice. How well she sings. (Etc.)

  General Well done, my dear.

  Petypon Thank God that’s over.

  Duke (low, to Shrimp) That gave me a lot of pleasure.

  Shrimp There’s more where that came from.

  Duke I say.

  Shrimp You only have to ask, Dukey darling, you only h
ave to ask.

  Petypon That’s quite enough of that.

  Shrimp Can’t you shut your cake-hole?

  Petypon collapses into a chair in despair. The Duchess comes up.

  Duchess Dear child, one can hardly put it into words. Your little song: so touching. That poor dear child with only her pussy-cat to love, and then to have it stolen away. So sad.

  Shrimp (trying not to laugh) Oh, sad, yes, sad.

  Duchess One was moved almost to tears. What colour was the pussy-cat?

  Shrimp (really not knowing where to look) Pardon?

  Guests Yes, yes. What colour was it? Her pussy-cat, what colour?

  Shrimp I … (She can’t contain her laughter any longer.) Hahahaha. That’s a good one. What colour. Hahahaha.

  Everyone (astonished) What’s the matter? What’s she laughing at?

  Petypon (aside, apprehensive) Trouble brewing.

  Shrimp Hahahaha. It’s a good one. Hahahahaha. Hahahahaha. (Carried away by her laughter.) Stone the bloody crows.

  Petypon Told you.

  Stunned silence. Everyone looks at everyone else, and murmurs can be heard: ‘What did she say? What did she say?’ Petypon tries desperately to save the day.

  Petypon It’s the latest craze in Paris. Baroness Bayard started it.

  Guests (not convinced) Baroness Bayard? Really?

  Petypon is thinking fast. Suddenly, he says loudly:

  Petypon All right. What next? We’ve had the singing, what else shall we have? What goes with singing?

  General Dancing, of course.

  Shrimp Oh yes, yes. Let’s dance.

  She runs for the piano.

  A quadrille.

  Everyone (echoing) A quadrille.

  Petypon (grabbing Shrimp) Haven’t you done enough?

  Shrimp I’m not going to dance. I’m going to play.

  Petypon Oh. Play.

  Shrimp goes to the Duchess at the piano.

  Duchess Look, my dear: an album of dance music.

  Shrimp (sitting) You take the top end.

  Petypon Don’t say another word.

  Several guests A quadrille. A quadrille.

  Sets are formed as the Guests prepare to dance. Most furniture has been chared to the terrace. Chamerot suddenly slaps his forehead.

  Chamerot Good lord, yes. Quadrille. Got it. I say, Guérissac.

  Guérissac Chamerot?

  Chamerot I’ve realised who she reminds me of: Shrimp, at the Folies-Bergère.

  They glance quickly at her.

  Guérissac Good lord. Extraordinary.

  Chamerot You think so too?

  Guérissac It’s impossible. Petypon … Shrimp … married?

  Chamerot But everything fits. The way she moves, the way she talks.

  Guérissac Well, Shrimp or no Shrimp, she’s got what it takes.

  Duke (overhearing) Who has?