Plays 2 Read online

  Petypon Sleeping.

  Corignon You mean he came here on business, sat down, dozed off – ?

  Petypon I’ll give him back to you.

  He pulls the handle. Marollier jumps like a puppet, then says:

  Marollier Ah Adelina, you nightingale of song. (Moving imaginary veils, he sings and dances.) Tralalala … tralalala … trala … trala … lala … lala…

  Corignon Marollier, what the devil are you doing? Shape up, shape up.

  Marollier (waking) What …? Captain Corignon. What are you doing here? At your opponent’s house? That simply isn’t done.

  Corignon I’ve apologised. It’s all cleared up. It’s over.

  Marollier You’ve apologised? You can’t do that. Not up to you.

  Corignon Oh, it’s not?

  Marollier We’re the seconds. We apologise.

  Corignon (getting angry) Not in my duel you don’t. Clear out of it!

  Marollier (furiously) Corignon.

  Corignon Listen to me, pal. I’ve had enough of this. If you want to make something of it…

  Petypon We’ve done this bit.

  Marollier (sharply, to him) What did you say?

  Petypon Me? Nothing. Talk to him, not me.

  Marollier You’ve not heard the end of this.

  Petypon Who, me?

  Marollier No, him.

  Petypon Ah, fine.

  Marollier (going round them in turn, frostily) Monsieur, Monsieur, Monsieur … Good morning.

  Corignon We’ll meet again, Monsieur.

  Exit Marollier.

  Petypon (to Varlin) Who does he think he is?

  Varlin Not the faintest id –

  Corignon Never mind who he thinks he is. I’ll deal with him.

  Petypon I should think so, too. (To Varlin.) We know how to deal with his sort. (He looks at his watch.) Good heavens, half past three. Monsieur, Monsieur, I’m terribly sorry, but I’ve a train to catch.

  Corignon What a shame. We were getting along so well.

  Petypon I’m going to Touraine. Your wedding. I expect I’ll see you down there.

  Corignon I couldn’t get leave today, so I’m going down tomorrow. Fine then, see you down there.

  Petypon Fine.

  Varlin Fine.

  Corignon Cousin.

  Petypon Cousin.

  They shake hands. Petypon turns to Varlin.

  Petypon Monsieur, delighted to have met you.

  Varlin (shaking his hand) Me too, entirely. If you ever need insurance … One never knows … Death is just around the corner.

  Petypon Thanks for reminding me. And after you …

  Varlin (inching past) Sorry.

  Exeunt Corignon and Varlin. Petypon sees them out, then crosses to his wife’s door.

  Petypon Gabrielle. Gabrielle.

  Gabrielle hurries in.

  Gabrielle What is it?

  Petypon I’m devilish late. My bag?

  Gabrielle In the hall.

  Petypon Thanks. (He notices a letter she is holding.) Is that for me?

  Gabrielle No, for me. I’ll read it shortly.

  Petypon Good. My hat? Coat …?

  Gabrielle In the cupboard.

  Petypon Right.

  He hurries into his bedroom. Gabrielle reads her letter.

  Gabrielle (to him, off) This is very odd. The General’s invited me to Touraine for his niece’s wedding. Says he wants me to act as matron of honour. Why didn’t he say so when he was here just now? I’ve nothing packed. Never mind … I’ll come on later. You go ahead.

  Petypon returns. He hasn’t hard a word.

  Petypon There, ready.

  Gabrielle D’you want to see the letter?

  Petypon Not now. No time.

  Gabrielle What d’you make of it?

  Petypon I really haven’t time.

  General (off) Are you still not ready?

  Petypon My God, Uncle Charles.

  He hurls himself at Gabrielle and drags her along.

  Petypon Come in here. Your letter. We’ll discuss it in the bedroom.

  Gabrielle (resisting) What’s wrong with here?

  Petypon Come on.

  Gabrielle For heaven’s sake!

  She breaks free, and falls on the Ecstatic Chair.

  Petypon (inspired) Aha!

  He leaps for and pulls the handle. Gabrielle goes into ecstasy.

  Petypon Sweet dreams.

  General (off) I tell you I’m going in.

  Petypon Quick … hide her.

  He covers her with the tablecloth that originally covered the pouffe. Enter the General.

  General Come along, come along. Been waiting hours downstairs.

  Petypon Won’t be a moment.

  General (intrigued by the silhouette on the chair) What the devil’s that?

  Petypon Nothing. An anatomical model.

  General Not very lifelike …

  Petypon Don’t touch it.

  General Why not?

  Petypon I’ve had it repainted.

  General I say.

  Petypon (pushing him towards the door) Wait downstairs. I’ll fetch my coat and be right with you.

  General Don’t be long, eh?

  Petypon I promise.

  Exit General.

  Petypon I can’t leave her here like this. We’ll be away for days.

  Étienne comes to the threshold, blocking the Roadsweeper.

  Étienne Look, wait in the hall. I’ll tell him you’re here.

  Sweeper He’s expecting me. (To Petypon.) ’Arternoon, guvnor.

  Petypon What on earth …? Let him in.

  Sweeper (to Étienne) Told yer.

  Étienne goes, eloquently.

  Petypon What is it?

  Sweeper It’s me, the Place Pigalle roadsweeper.

  Petypon What d’you want? We haven’t any roads.

  Sweeper I’ve come to dinner.

  Petypon Pardon?

  Sweeper You invited me to dinner.

  Petypon I invited you to dinner?

  Sweeper See, you remember. Bless yer. I was sweeping away last night, and you and your young lady came past, and you came and ’ugged me …

  Petypon Ugged you?

  Sweeper Yer. Like this.

  Petypon Thank you.

  Sweeper ‘I like your face,’ you said. ‘Come and have dinner termorrer arternoon.’

  Petypon You’re joking.

  The Sweeper takes a visiting card from his pocket, wipes it and hands it to Petypon with a flourish.

  Sweeper Here, look: the card you gave me.

  Petypon (dumbfounded) I … ah … oh … (Aside.) Well, never mind, a friend in need … (To him.) Look, here’s fifty centimes.

  Sweeper Fifty centimes?

  Petypon Yes … and Étienne will give you dinner in the kitchen.

  Sweeper Oh, I dunno …

  Petypon Never mind dunnoing. Do something.

  Sweeper Do something?

  Petypon I have to go out. At once. As soon as I’ve gone, I want you to pull this handle here on the chair … and then completely ignore whatever happens next.

  Sweeper Pull handle, completely ignore. Fair enough.

  General (offstage) Come on, can’t you?

  Petypon Uncle Charles again. (To the Sweeper.) You’re sure you understand?

  Sweeper Course I do, bless yer.

  Petypon Thank you.

  Sweeper Give us an ’ug.

  Petypon What? Oh. There.

  They hug. He goes.

  Sweeper Nah then, this handle ’ere … One, two, three …

  He pulls the handle. Gabrielle springs awake.

  Sweeper Blimey.

  Gabrielle My God, I’m blind.

  She fights her way clear of the cloth, slapping the Sweeper in the process.

  Sweeper Oi.

  Gabrielle Aah! Who are you?

  Sweeper I’m the sweeper you’re ’aving to dinner…

  Gabrielle runs across the room to her own bedroom.


  Gabrielle Help. Help. Lucien. Étienne. Étienne.

  Sweeper (following her) But I’m the sweeper you’re ’aving to dinner…

  Étienne runs in.

  Étienne What’s the matter?

  Gabrielle Get rid of him!

  Étienne throws himself on the Sweeper and drags him out.

  Sweeper But I’m the sweeper you’re ’aving to dinner. I’m the sweeper you’re ’aving to din…

  Curtain.

  Act Two

  The General’s château in Touraine. A large room on the ground floor. Three huge arched bays on to the terrace and formal garden beyond. Their doors are wide open. A baroque fireplace. Chandeliers. Vast minors in gilt frames. Tapestries, pictures on the walls. Doors L and R. Ornate furniture, including a grand piano. A buffet loaded with food and drink.

  Bright afternoon sun. As the curtain rises, a Children’s choir and Soloist are performing, conducted by the Curé. Among the Guests grouped to listen are the General, Shrimp, Petypon, Clémentine, the Baroness, the Duchess, Chamerot, Guérissac, Madame Claux, Madame Hautignol, Madame Ponant and Madame Virette. Émile is at one end of the buffet, which is manned by Footmen.

  Soloist And our land will aye remember …

  Children And our land will aye remember …

  Soloist … this long-awaited day-ay …

  Children … day-ay …

  Soloist Which has fanned the dying ember …

  Children … fanned the dying ember …

  Soloist … and made October May-ay …

  Children … October May-ay …

  Soloist … With happy, smiling faces …

  Children … aces …

  Soloist We hymn their gentle graces …

  Children … races …

  Everyone (in a flattering murmur) Aah.

  Soloist

  Friends, all raise your glasses.

  Before the moment passes,

  On this their wedding day

  Let’s cheer and say …

  (Spoken.) Hip, hip …

  Children (shouted) Hurray.

  Guests (a murmur of compliments) Delightful! Aah! How charming. Wasn’t that exquisite? What a delightful surprise. (Etc.)

  Shrimp, Clémentine, Petypon and the General shake the Curé’s hand, embrace the Children, etc. The General’s voice dominates the sunounding hubbub.

  General Clémentine. At the double now. These charmin’ children … orange squash, cakes. Eat, drink, order of the day.

  Clémentine Yes, Uncle Charles.

  Shrimp This way, children.

  She and Clémentine lead the Children to the buffet, while the Guests surround the Curé to congratulate him.

  Baroness My dear Ponosse, my compliments.

  Curé (flustered) Thank you, your ladyship.

  Madame Virette Father, that was lovely.

  Curé You really thought so?

  Madame Ponant Delightful.

  Madame Claux Exquisite.

  Madame Hautignol Heavenly.

  Baroness I wanted to cry.

  Curé (writhing with embarrassed pleasure) No. Really? Oh …

  Shrimp and Clémentine take the Children off.

  Everyone Quite delightful.

  Duchess (graciously joining the group) My dear Canon, what can one say? Affecting, tasteful …

  Everyone Yes, yes.

  Curé Oh, your Grace, you overwhelm me. Oh, ladies and gentlemen …

  The General comes from the buffet to shake his hand.

  General Damn good show, Ponosse. Touchin’, hey. Affectin’. Well, nuff said. (Calling.) Émile.

  Émile comes up and salutes.

  Émile Sir?

  General Fetch it, man. Don’t stand gapin’.

  Émile Yes sir.

  General At the double.

  Exeunt Émile and Footmen.

  Curé (to the General) General, I don’t know what to say.

  General Say nothing. Nuff said already. Words of your song, dontcha know, straight to the heart.

  Curé Oh General.

  General Genuine, sincere, deeply moved. Said at once, ‘Ponosse did this. Know it anywhere.’ Someone said, ‘This that Shakespeare chappie?’ ‘No,’ I said, ‘Ponosse chappie – can’t you tell?’

  Curé General, really, I don’t deserve …

  General That last bit: tears in the eyes. ‘Let’s cheer and say, “Hip, hip, hooray”.’ Good, that. ‘Say “Hooray”.’ Like it.

  Everyone Yes, yes.

  General ‘Our land will aye remember.’

  Curé (singing) ‘… this long awaited day-ay.’

  General ‘… ay-ay.’ Eh?

  Curé ‘Which has fanned the dying ember.’

  General ‘And made October …’

  Curé ‘October May-ay.’

  General Poets, eh? I’ve always called it ‘May’.

  Curé Poetic licence, you know, the metre …

  General Knew it! Poetic licence, beyond me. Hunting licence, fishing licence, not the same thing at all.

  Everyone laughs.

  Guérissac I say, sir, very good.

  Chamerot Very neat, sir, oh yah.

  Enter a procession: Émile, followed by Footmen carrying a large object on a small litter, carrying-poles on their shoulders.

  General Aha! Here it is.

  Guérissac Gentlemen, to your places.

  The Officers form a ceremonial line, imitating bugle calls.

  Officers Tara. Ta. Tara, tara, tara. Ta. Tata. Tara. Ta.

  As the last note dies away, the General removes the cloth to reveal a large, engraved and gilded bronze bell.

  Everyone A bell.

  General Ponosse. Small token. Respect and thanks. Bell for the village church. Nothin’ too good. Old, devilish old. St Mark’s, Venice. Brought by Napoleon himself. Gave it to my grandfather, aide de camp.

  Everyone Ah.

  General Not over-large. Soldiers naturally chose smallest. Can’t cart damn great bell all over countryside, especially when hiding it from natives. There. All yours. Stand easy.

  Everyone Bravo, bravo.

  Curé General, what can I say? I can’t express … Let me embrace you.

  General Steady on, Ponosse. Ladies, yes. But chaps of same persuasion? Still, man of the cloth … Get on with it.

  While he and the Curé embrace, the Officers sound their fanfare.

  Officers Tara. Ta. Tara. Tara. Tara. Ta.

  Everyone applauds. The General replaces the cloth on the bell and gestures to the Footmen.

  General Down over there, then dismiss.

  The Footmen take the bell to one side, and exeunt. General party bustle. Enter Shrimp and Clémentine, followed by Petypon.

  General Ah. Here come my nieces.

  As soon as Shrimp enters, the Ladies surround her in a flattenng group. Petypon hovers anxiously.

  Madame Ponant Delightful. Sweet.

  Madame Hautignol So stylish.

  Madame Claux So elegant.

  Baroness The Queen of Elegance.

  Shrimp Hey, your ladyness, spare a girl’s blushes.

  Baroness Delightful.

  Madame Virette Exquisite.

  Madame Claux ‘Spare a girl’s blushes’! How very Champs-Elysée.

  Shrimp No, come on, ladies …

  She talks to them. Meanwhile:

  General (to Guérissac and Chamerot) Well, what d’you think of my niece, hey? Not that one, t’other one. Madame Petypon.

  Chamerot Chic, sir. Parisian, yah? These old gels have seen nothing like her.

  Shrimp No, go on: a glass of bubbly never did anyone any harm. Go on, spoil yourselves. You start, your ladyness. A glass of bubbly.

  Baroness Well, perhaps a drop.

  Shrimp One drop, coming up. (Shouting as if she were a waitress) One glass of fizz-juice! One!

  General I say! I say!

  Clémentine (coming up to him) Would you like some … er, fizz-juice, Uncle Charles?

  General Not now, m’dear. A
sk the others first.

  Clémentine Yes, Uncle Charles.

  General (to his Officers) Wish she was more like t’other one.

  Guérissac But why, sir? Mamzelle Clémentine is charming.

  General Ha! Charmin’, yes. Goose.

  Guérissac I say, sir.

  General Gave her advice, doncha know. Cousin here. Don’t be ashamed. Pick up tips. Savoir faire. Few lessons, lick into shape. Won’t recognise her. Nor will Corignon. Eh? Hey hey?

  Officers No, sir. Yes, sir. Excellent idea, sir.

  Madame Hautignol (to Madame Ponant, drawing her aside) My dear, that dress she’s wearing!

  General (aside to the Officers) Listen to this, now.

  Madame Ponant I haven’t been able to take my eyes from it.

  General (as before) Goin’ on like this all day.

  Madame Hautignol It proves what I’ve always said: this season, no one’s wearing bustles.

  Madame Virette joins them.

  Madame Ponant You know how positive Madame Courtois was that everyone’s wearing hoop skirts this season.

  Madame Virette Madame Courtois! I’d imagine Madame Petypon knows more about it than Madame Courtois. She is from Paris.

  Madame Hautignol Frankly, I find Madame Gourtois rather a bore these days. She simply can’t be bothered to keep up with fashion.

  Madame Ponant What’s the point of having ‘one’s own little dressmaker’ in Tours, if all she can do is the latest style from Poitiers?

  Shrimp joins the group, shadowed by the anxious Petypon.

  Shrimp Not thirsty, then, ladies?

  Madame Hautignol Nothing for me, thanks, dear.

  Shrimp What about you?

  Madame Ponant Nothing, really.

  Shrimp You, then?

  Madame Virette No thank you. You’re too kind, really.

  Shrimp (gaily) I dunno, ladies. Will nothing persuade you to wet your whis –

  Petypon (quickly) Wet your lips. Your lips.

  Shrimp That’s right.

  Petypon (aside) Phew.

  Shrimp Nothing tickle your fancy?

  Madame Hautignol If you insist, a little orange squash.

  Shrimp One orange squash, coming up. Scuse me. (Shouting, as she goes upstage followed by Petypon.) One mauled orange! One!

  As soon as she’s gone, the Ladies eagerly discuss her clothes. (Feydeau’s note: the following dialogue should be adapted to whatever styles are current. The ladies are in the latest fashion, and Shrimp, by contrast, is a little unusual.)

  Madame Hautignol You see that? The skirt without a bustle, and fastened at the side.

  Madame Ponant And the sleeves, my dear. Narrow sleeves, padded shoulders?

  Madame Virette I was amazed at her skirt. Cut sloping, with a double pleat. I said so!