Plays 2 Read online

  The General goes to kiss her, then turns to Petypon.

  General Er … mind if I … ?

  Petypon No, no, no.

  General (to Shrimp) Your husband doesn’t mind.

  Shrimp Why should he?

  She offers her cheek, and he kisses it.

  General If time, meet here. That’s the ticket. Here.

  Petypon What?

  Shrimp Yes, Uncle Charles, that suits me fine.

  Petypon No, no. The station. The station’s better.

  General Far better here. That way, can’t miss each other.

  Petypon (aside) Oh, that’s the ticket all right.

  General (to Mongicourt) Goodbye, Monsieur. Pleased to have metcher. Say goodbye to Madame Whatsname.

  Mongicourt Mongicourt.

  General Pardon?

  Mongicourt Mongicourt. Madame Mongicourt. (Through his teeth.) My wife.

  General Well, of course she is. Odd fellow. Right. Till later, Lucien, Gabrielle.

  Shrimp Au ’voir, Uncle Charles.

  General Au ’voir, Gabrielle.

  He imitates her high-kick.

  ‘Houp-la. This one’s for me.’

  Shrimp ‘Houp-la. This one’s for me.’ Bravo, Uncle Charles.

  General Charming. (To Petypon.) D’you hear, Lucien? She’s charming.

  Shrimp D’you hear, Lucien?

  Petypon I hear.

  General (as he exits) Old boot, ha! Hehehay. Hahaha.

  His voice dies away offstage.

  Petypon Oh crikey.

  Mongicourt Have I really got this right? You’re going with her?

  Petypon That’s right.

  Mongicourt With Shrimp?

  Shrimp That’s right. What larks.

  Mongicourt I don’t know what to say.

  Petypon (to Shrimp) Why me? Why me? What have I done? I know nothing about you. It’s not as if we –

  Shrimp It certainly isn’t. We certainly didn’t.

  Petypon So why can’t you leave me alone? Now I’m married to you.

  Shrimp Poor darling.

  Mongicourt What about me? I’m married to Gabrielle.

  Petypon (to Shrimp) How d’you think I feel?

  Mongicourt (through his teeth) How d’you think I feel?

  Petypon You could have said, ‘Touraine? No thanks.’ But you didn’t. I mean, Touraine. What are you going to do there, with your ‘What larks’ and your ‘Houp-la. This one’s for me’?

  Shrimp (exaggerating the accent) No need to bite me ’ead off.

  Petypon See?

  Shrimp Cor, luvyou, don’t you worry. I know ’ow to behave proper. You just watch me. Good and proper.

  Petypon Oh God. When we get there, just keep your mouth shut. Remember where you are.

  Shrimp (normal voice) I know how to behave.

  Petypon Just remember, that’s all. All right: half past three, downstairs.

  Shrimp Right.

  She runs to Mongicourt.

  Goodbye, Monsieur.

  She shakes his hand and high-kicks.

  ‘Houp-la. This one’s for –’

  Petypon Out. Now. My wife could come in at any moment.

  Shrimp I’m dressed, aren’t I? Look at me.

  She minces about respectably.

  Anyone’d take me for a neighbour. By the way, about dresses. Your wife has no idea. (Waving to Mongicourt.) Bye, Édouard.

  Mongicourt Till we meet again.

  Shrimp (to Petypon, pinching his nose) Till this afternoon, you bad boy.

  Petypon Leave my nose alone.

  Étienne appears at the door, stopping faithfully at the threshold.

  Shrimp pats his cheek as she passes him.

  Shrimp There, there. It might never happen.

  Exit.

  Étienne (aside) Where did she come from?

  Petypon (irritably) What is it now?

  Étienne Two men have arrived with an armchair with a light on it. They say you ordered it.

  Petypon Tell them to bring it in here.

  Mongicourt Another armchair?

  Petypon Not ‘another’ armchair: the armchair. Doctor Slivovich’s Great Ecstatic Chair. Don’t you remember, that conference in Vienna? I bought one for the surgery.

  Mongicourt La-di-dah!

  Petypon You’ll be getting one too. All doctors will have them. This is the future. No one knows what rays have in store for us.

  Mongicourt Still experimental, then.

  Petypon Ether, chloroform, things of the past. From now on, when you want to put someone to sleep … Doctor Slivovich’s Great Ecstatic Chair …

  Étienne reappears. He stops on the threshold and draws back to allow the passage of two Porters carrying the Ecstatic Chair. Its back is folded down over the seat. On the back is a box containing a pair of green gloves.

  Étienne In here. That’s as far as I’m allowed to go.

  Petypon (indicating) Put it over there.

  The Porters put the chair near the desk.

  Petypon (to Mongicourt) Just look at that. (To the Porters.) Did you bring the gloves?

  Porter Yes Monsieur. In this box here.

  Petypon Thank you. Here … Here’s one franc. Divide it between you.

  Exeunt Porters.

  Mongicourt What are the gloves for?

  Petypon (putting up the back of the chair) The radiation. You plug in the battery, down here. You pull this handle.

  He pulls a brass handle. A glow of light and a low hum.

  Voilá.

  Mongicourt Voilá?

  Petypon Voilá. You pull it the other way … it stops.

  He does so. The chair stops glowing and humming.

  I’ll show you again. You ask your patient … um … Look, come over here. You’ll get a better idea.

  Mongicourt Er, no. No, thanks. You try.

  Petypon I’m demonstrating. Besides, I’m a doctor, not a patient.

  Mongicourt Problem is: me too.

  Petypon I’m not going to put you to sleep, for heaven’s sake. I’m only going to show you how it works.

  Mongicourt Whatever you say.

  Petypon You don’t believe me.

  Mongicourt Oh, I do.

  Petypon Well then?

  Mongicourt All right, if you insist. But no funny business.

  Petypon Me?

  Mongicourt (without enthusiasm) All right, then.

  He sits in the chair.

  Petypon There you are. Well?

  Mongicourt (settling himself) So far so good.

  Petypon Right. Now, with this lever here, I can adjust the patient’s position.

  Mongicourt Patient’s position?

  Petypon Patient’s position. For example –

  He works a lever. The chairback falls flat.

  Mongicourt Hey.

  Petypon Exactly.

  He puts the back up again.

  And this way, I can put you up again.

  Mongicourt Thank you.

  Petypon (reading from the manual) And if I want to put the patient to sleep, I pull this handle here.

  Mongicourt (hurriedly) Yes yes. You don’t have to –

  Too late. Petypon has pulled the handle. The chair lights up and hums. Mongicourt freezes in his last position, a seraphic smile on his face. Petypon continues his demonstration, reading from the manual without realising what he has done.

  Petypon ‘Immediately, under the influence of the rays, the patient falls into an ecstasy of delight and complete unconsciousness. You can take as long as you like: open the patient up, poke around, take bits out, close, stitch, as if you were embroidering in your living-room at home.’ Amazing, isn’t it? (Pause.) Say something. Édouard … Good lord, I’ve done it, I’ve put him out. Oh no. Oho. This Gabrielle must see.

  He goes to the door of his wife’s room.

  Gabrielle. Gabrielle.

  Gabrielle’s voice What is it?

  Petypon Come here, quickly.

  Enter Gabrielle.

 
Gabrielle What’s the matter?

  Petypon Look at Édouard.

  Gabrielle What’s he doing?

  Petypon He’s asleep.

  Gabrielle You mean he came to see you, and went to sleep?

  Petypon No, no. Look closer.

  Gabrielle The Ecstatic Chair.

  Petypon Exactly.

  Gabrielle You mean you – ?

  Petypon Precisely.

  Gabrielle Doesn’t he look silly?

  She moves towards the chair.

  Petypon Careful. It’ll put you out as well.

  Gabrielle It wouldn’t.

  Petypon You’d think he was in heaven.

  Gabrielle Yes.

  Petypon Total ecstasy. Gabrielle, you see a man in ecstasy.

  Gabrielle Who’d have thought it?

  Petypon Well, he’s had enough ecstasy for one day. We musn’t wear him out. There.

  He pulls the handle, and Mongicourt wakes up with a start, still smiling seraphically.

  Mongicourt Fair princess … tell me that you love me …

  Petypon Don’t act the fool.

  Mongicourt (gradually returning to reality) Eh?

  Petypon I said, don’t act the fool.

  Mongicourt What happened?

  Petypon You went to sleep … that’s what happened.

  Mongicourt I didn’t.

  Petypon You did.

  Mongicourt I don’t believe you.

  Petypon Well, it certainly wasn’t me.

  Mongicourt You put me …? Well, amazing. Works like a charm. I didn’t feel a thing.

  Petypon There you are, then.

  Mongicourt (leaning back eagerly) Let’s have another go.

  Petypon (stopping him) Ah no. Don’t be greedy.

  Mongicourt It’s astounding.

  Petypon So useful in emergencies.

  Gabrielle You’re a private doctor. You don’t have emergencies.

  Petypon As a matter of fact, I’ve got one right now. This afternoon. A long way out of town.

  Gabrielle Ah.

  Petypon Sorry, darling.

  Gabrielle You’ll have to stay the night. I’ll get you a bag.

  Petypon Would you, darling?

  Exit Gabrielle.

  Mongicourt I like your nerve.

  Petypon What else can I do? I can’t go to Touraine with two wives. This isn’t Morocco.

  Étienne appears, stopping on the threshold. He has visiting cards on a salver.

  Étienne Monsieur …

  Petypon What is it?

  Étienne Two gentlemen, Monsieur. They want to see you alone, Monsieur.

  Petypon (reading the cards) Never heard of them. What do they want?

  Étienne (as before) They say it’s about … last night’s business.

  Petypon Last night’s business? Édouard?

  Mongicourt Lucien?

  Petypon They’ve come about last night’s business.

  Mongicourt Last night’s business?

  Petypon I’ve no idea. (To Étienne.) You’d better show them in.

  Exit Étienne.

  Mongicourt Well, if it’s about last night’s business, excuse me …

  Petypon Oh, Édouard, if I could start last night again…

  Mongicourt I know what you mean.

  Petypon See you later.

  Mongicourt See you later.

  He goes to the door, and meets Marollier and Varlin coming in.

  Mongicourt Gentlemen.

  Exit.

  Petypon Well, gentlemen, what can I do for you?

  Marollier You are Doctor Petypon?

  Petypon Yes indeed.

  Marollier Marollier, lieutenant in the Tenth Brigade. Monsieur Varlin.

  Varlin Insurance agent … fire, life, accident … anything you like, really…

  He offers several business cards to Petypon.

  Varlin Please take a card.

  Petypon Too kind.

  Varlin If you’re embarking on a lifetime of insurance, I’d recommend …

  Marollier (sharply) Stop that. You didn’t come for that.

  Varlin Sorry. (Meekly, to Petypon.) Sorry.

  Petypon Do please sit down.

  Marollier No doubt, Monsieur, you know exactly why we’re here.

  Petypon Not the foggiest.

  Marollier It’s about last night’s business.

  Petypon Ah. Last night’s business.

  Marollier Exactly.

  Petypon I’m sorry, but what last night’s business?

  Marollier What last night’s business? You’ve forgotten?

  Petypon I’m afraid so.

  Marollier Hardly surprising, the state you were in.

  Petypon I … Pardon?

  Marollier In any case, Monsieur, not here to discuss last night’s business. Two names, that’s all we want. Two friends who’ll act for you.

  Petypon Act for me? Oh, a duel. Fine. But why? (To Varlin, who seems lost in the clouds.) I mean, you like to know.

  Varlin (far away) Not the faintest idea.

  Petypon Pardon?

  Marollier (turning on Varlin) What are you doing now? What a way to behave!

  Varlin I don’t even know him. (To Petypon.) He was sitting next to me at the bar. You know how it is. He was there … I was here …

  Marollier He doesn’t want to know where he was, where you were …

  Varlin Next thing, that business happened. Just like that. Well, I pretended not to notice …

  Marollier All right, no need to tell him your life story. (To Petypon.) Monsieur, after the insults that were exchanged last night, our principal has instructed us …

  Petypon Look, for heaven’s sake, what insults?

  Marollier What insults? I’d have thought that when someone says to someone else ‘Are you grinning at me, pal?’…

  Petypon Mepal? Oh. I’m terribly sorry. Oh God, Mepal. Please tell your principal that if I did call him Mepal, it was entirely by accident … a slip of the tongue … and from the bottom of my heart, I take it back.

  Marollier (icily) You can’t take it back.

  Petypon Pardon?

  Marollier Because you didn’t call him Mepal, he called you Mepal.

  Petypon Who did?

  Marollier Our principal.

  Varlin The man at the bar. I told you. He was there, and I was here, and –

  Petypon You mean, he called me Mepal, and now he’s sent you here to …

  Marollier He admits you’re the injured party.

  Petypon Kind of him. Well, Mepal … it was obviously a joke … (To Varlin.) Wasn’t it?

  Varlin (as before) Not the faintest idea.

  Petypon Sorry I asked. (To Marollier.) You really think I’m going to fight your … principal because he insulted me?

  Marollier If you don’t fight when you’re insulted, when do you fight?

  Petypon That, Monsieur, is for me to decide.

  Marollier (coldly) Very well, Monsieur. We’re clearly wasting our time. This whole conversation is quite irregular.

  Petypon I’m sorry: you came here. Someone calls someone Mepal, and then sends his seconds … D’you think I’m not used to this? I am a doctor…

  Marollier Affair of honour.

  Petypon You listen to me, pal…

  Marollier No, you listen to me, pal…

  Petypon I’ve had enough of this.

  He pushes Marollier into the chair and putts the handle. Marollier assumes the ecstatic position.

  Petypon That’s better.

  Pause while Varlin digests the situation.

  Varlin What’s he doing?

  Petypon Never mind. He was annoying me; I shut him up.

  Varlin Now that is interesting.

  Petypon A fine one … a fine one. (Shouting under Marollier’s nose.) A fine one! If you think you can frighten me, pal … You and your principal. (To Varlin.) Who the devil is your principal anyway?

  Varlin An officer.

  Petypon Oh, an officer.

 
Varlin Captain Corignon.

  Petypon Of course, Captain Co – What? Corignon? Did you say Corignon? The Corignon who’s getting married?

  Varlin Not the faintest i –

  Petypon The man’s my cousin.

  Varlin What man?

  Petypon Or will be shortly. What a small world … What made him insult me in the first place? What was wrong with him?

  Varlin You were with the woman he loved. Not the woman he’s marrying, the other one, you know, the one you were with last night.

  Petypon Shrimp!

  Varlin Is that really her name? When he saw you with her – we were at the bar, there and here – he lost his temper. ‘I’m going to smash that booby’s face in,’ he said.

  Petypon Charming.

  Étienne (offstage) Yes, yes, Monsieur. I’ll tell him you’re here.

  Enter.

  Captain Corignon.

  Varlin and Petypon Mepal!

  Corignon Doctor Petypon?

  Petypon That would be me.

  Corignon (embarrassed) Monsieur, I don’t know what to say. Good lord, if I’d known it was you. What a way to indroduce myself. My dear cousin-to-be …

  He holds out his hand. Petypon shahs it, very man of the world.

  Petypon My dear fellow, think no more about it.

  Corignon I don’t know how to apologise. You see, when I saw the two of you last night, you and Shrimp … You know what it’s like, the woman you love … you’re at the bar, and suddenly you see your friend with someone else … you forget you’re engaged to another, your heart’s engaged to another, and you see red. That’s what happened to me.

  Petypon Perfectly understandable. (Nodding at Varlin.) This gentleman’s been telling me.

  Corignon bows slightly to Varlin, as though to a complete stranger.

  Corignon How de do?

  Petypon Varlin, Monsieur Varlin.

  Corignon Pleased to meet you.

  Petypon Your second.

  Corignon crosses to shake Varlin’s hand.

  Corignon I thought I’d seen you before somewhere.

  Varlin Everyone says that.

  Corignon Of course they do. (To Petypon.) I’m sorry: idiotic.

  Varlin (nettled) What d’you mean, idiotic?

  Corignon No, no … not you idiotic, me idiotic, for sending seconds.

  Varlin Oh good.

  Corignon (to Petypon) No need to fight a duel. Shake hands, be friends.

  Petypon (magnanimously) My dear chap. Forget it ever happened.

  Corignon (shaking his hand cordially) Phew! That’s a relief.

  Petypon I mean, for heaven’s sake! We’re reasonable people. Not like our friend here …

  He indicates Marollier, in the chair.

  Corignon Marollier. What’s he doing here?