Plays 2 Read online

  Nobody.

  He goes farther in, out of view of the audience. Shrimp lifts the sheet and pokes her nose out.

  Shrimp Coast clear … ?

  She gets up on hands and knees, still covered. The General reappears, and thinking she’s Petypon, gives her a mighty wallop on the bottom. She jumps violently and sits upright.

  Shrimp Ow! What the devil …?

  General I say. Most frightfully sorry.

  He looks at her more closely.

  No, I say. You are my niece.

  Shrimp Pardon?

  General Uncle … niece … all in the family. (Holding out his hand.) Pleased to meet you, Gabrielle.

  Shrimp (shaking his hand) Good morning, Monsieur.

  General I’m General Petypon du Grelé. We’ve never met. Realise that. Spent last nine years in Morocco. But you’ve heard of me. My nephew.

  Shrimp Nephew?

  General That’s the fellow.

  Shrimp (aside) Does he think I’m –

  General Well, not to put to fine a point on it, back from Morocco. In person. Here. By Jove, congratulate my nephew on his taste in women! Some damn fool said he’d married a real old boot. We could do with old boots like these in the Foreign Legion, what?

  Shrimp Oh General…

  General Blunt man, don’t you know. Call spade a spade. Eh? Eh?

  Shrimp Oh General! (Aside.) This family are all the same.

  General I say, not ill are you? In bed at this hour?

  Shrimp I slept in, that’s all. I’ll get up as soon as they bring my dress.

  General That’s the ticket. Dress, yes. Haha!

  He sits.

  Now then, d’you know why I’m here? You got my letter?

  Shrimp No.

  General Damn fool postmen. Never mind. It’ll come. Not much use then, of course: I’ll have told you what it said, myself. Tell you now, in fact. Clémentine.

  Shrimp Clémentine?

  General Got it in one. Gel I adopted when her parents died. Didn’t my nephew tell you?

  Shrimp Oh, Clémentine.

  General Clémentine.

  Shrimp Now I remember.

  General Yes, yes. Needs a matron of honour for a day or two. Matron of honour. I was hoping you’d…

  Shrimp I’d … ?

  General First choice, and a first-class choice. Haha. I mean, me: a general – not built for it, d’you see?

  Shrimp You can say that again.

  General Specialist training, all that.

  Shrimp Oh, General.

  General No offence intended. Eh?

  Shrimp None taken.

  General Good for you! Like women who’re honest, call spade a spade … Haarumph! Clementine. You understand, if memsahib was still alive … Fact is, one day she upped and … phut! (With a gesture he shoots his wife up to heaven.) Sad loss, what? (Changing his tone.) So, memsahib having gone AWOL, said to myself: ‘Well, only thing to do: get her a man.’

  Shrimp General!

  General A gel has to marry some time.

  Shrimp Not a man, a husband.

  General Not with you. What’s the difference?

  Shrimp None at all. Oh, none at all.

  General There you are, then. That’s why, in a week’s time, she’s to marry Captain Corignon.

  Shrimp Corignon? Of the Twelfth?

  General That’s right. You know the fellow?

  Shrimp Do I know him? Ha! Good heavens!

  General Devilish odd! D’you see him often?

  Shrimp (without thinking) Not since I gave him up.

  General Gave him up?

  Shrimp (quickly) Er, gave him back, back to his regiment.

  General (blankly) I see! Back to his regiment! You mean, gave him back to his regiment.

  Shrimp That’s right, up, back, what’s the difference? What you give back, you give up.

  General See what you mean.

  Shrimp And what you give up –

  General You give back. (Laughter.) That’s deep. That’s very deep.

  Shrimp (roguishly) Ehehay!

  General Pardon? Oh, yes. Ehehay! (Different tone.) Anyway, this fellow Corignon … had him under my command in Morocco for years, till he was transferred back to Paris … Fine soldier, don’t you know, man with a future in front of him.

  Shrimp Ah.

  General Man of judgement. Man who knows what’s what.

  Shrimp Oh, he does!

  General You do know him, then?

  Shrimp Oh, yes. I know Corignon.

  General (rather blankly) Hum. Yes. Wedding takes place, eight days’ time. Tomorrow, engagement party, my house in Touraine. Here, quite simply, to ask you and my nephew to go down there with me. As I said in the letter, and mentioned to you just now, bride needs someone to act as matron of honour, and I need someone to act as hostess at the reception. How about it, hey?

  Shrimp Me? That’s a joke.

  General You agree?

  Shrimp (hesitating) I don’t know. Doctor Petypon.

  General Leave him to me.

  Shrimp (aside) Ehehay! Shrimp, from the Folies-Bergère, matron of honour at Corignon’s society wedding! I can’t wait to see his face.

  General Well?

  Shrimp All right, General. I’ll do it.

  General My dear niece! Give me a kiss.

  Shrimp (over his shoulder) It’s not so bad after all, this family.

  Enter Petypon.

  Petypon Étienne! Where the devil’s my dressing-gown – Aargh! Now what’s happening?

  General Ah, there you are.

  Petypon Uncle Charles!

  Shrimp (aside) Off we go again.

  Petypon (astounded) Uncle. You’re my uncle. Uncle Charles!

  General I know that, confound you. What’s the matter? Seen a ghost, or what?

  Petypon No, no, I meant … (Aside to Shrimp.) Why are you still here? (To the General.) My dear Uncle Charles!

  They shake hands effusively.

  Shrimp What larks!

  Petypon My dear Uncle Charles … after all these years.

  General Surprised you, eh? Thought so. Said to myself, ‘This’ll surprise him.’

  Petypon And it did, it did.

  General You’ve hardly changed at all. Ten years older, naturally.

  Petypon Thanks. I’m sorry, if I’d known you were coming…

  General (grumbling) Don’t harp.

  Petypon Oh, am I harping? Sorry if I’m harping.

  General Just arrived from Morocco. Came straight to

  Paris. Brought your cousin Clémentine.

  Petypon If I’d known you were coming …

  General Point taken, don’t you know? (Aside.) Don’t know what she sees in him.

  Petypon Urn … you won’t be in Paris long, I take it?

  General No. Leaving today.

  Petypon Oh. Ah. Excellent!

  General Beg pardon?

  Petypon Not excellent. No. I meant … it’s just a word.

  General Gave myself two weeks’ leave. Spending it in Touraine, seeing to your cousin’s wedding. Oh yes, you’d better be there. Got anything on these next few days?

  Petypon Nothing important. You know, patients.

  General There we are then. Do it for Uncle, hey? Be nice to Uncle, hey? And one day Uncle may be nice to you.

  Petypon Oh … er … no need to hurry.

  General Stout fellow. (Command tone.) Right, then: orders of the day. We leave for Touraine tonight.

  Petypon All of us?

  General (same tone) You, me, Clémentine. All of us.

  Petypon Ah.

  General And the memsahib too, of course.

  Petypon Gabrielle? She’ll be delighted.

  General Of course she will. Told me so in person.

  Petypon She told you? Who told you?

  General Your wife did. She did.

  Shrimp (aside) Oops.

  Petypon Wife? Where? Wife?

  General (indicating Shrimp) There’s the
little lady, there.

  Petypon (aghast) What, her my wife? Ridiculous.

  General Ridiculous?

  Petypon Wife, her, ha! Ha, ha, ha! Never!

  General Damn peculiar. Never, hey? In your house, your marriage bed … Not your wife, who is she?

  Petypon She’s … She’s … She’s someone else entirely.

  General Soon settle this …

  He goes to the bellpull.

  Petypon What are you doing?

  General Ringing for Étienne. He’ll tell me the truth. Not your wife! Pull yourself together.

  Petypon Don’t do that!

  General Thought so! She is your wife!

  Petypon (aside) This is not my day. (Aloud.) Aha! Ahahahaha! Hahaha! Ha!

  General Now what’s the matter?

  Petypon Aha! Ha! Just my little joke. She is my wife.

  General (victorious) Told you so myself. Knew it all the time.

  Petypon (aside) After all, just for a few hours, no harm in it.

  General ‘Not my wife,’ indeed. Fellow’s a fool. Never mind: a fool with taste. Charming gel, charming.

  Shrimp Oh General.

  General (to Shrimp) No, dash it. Always say what I mean. (To Petypon.) D’you know, someone told me you’d married a real old boot.

  Petypon No, did they? (Aside.) Sorry, Gabrielle.

  Knock at the outer door.

  General Come in!

  Petypon (at the same time) Don’t come in!

  Étienne enters with a large cardboard box. He stays carefully on the threshold of the room.

  Étienne Monsieur.

  Petypon What is it now? You can’t come in.

  Étienne I’m aware of that, Monsieur.

  General (to Petypon) Stout fellow. Sticks to his guns. If he won’t come in, he won’t. No use arguing.

  Petypon What d’you want?

  Étienne (holding out the box) Madame’s dress has come.

  General Aha!

  He takes the box.

  Right, you: dismiss. (To Petypon, while Étienne leaves.) Yet another proof she’s your wife. Her dress has come.

  Petypon (giving in to the inevitable) Oh. Yes.

  General She told me she was just waiting for her dress, to get up. Well, it’s arrived. (To Shrimp.) Here you are, girlie. Go and get dressed now.

  Shrimp Thanks, Uncle Charles.

  Petypon (aside) This is the limit!

  Shrimp opens the box and holds up Gabrielle’s dress.

  Shrimp (aside) Oh dear, oh dear … Still, beggars can’t be choosers. (To the General.) Uncle Charlie.

  General Yes, my dear?

  Petypon ‘Uncle Charlie’ now!

  Shrimp Uncle Charlie, would you mind drawing the curtains for me?

  General (enraptured) ‘Would you mind drawing the curtains for me?’ I say!

  He draws them, and goes to Petypon.

  General She’s charming, charming! Just think of her in Touraine. She’ll knock ’em for six in Touraine.

  Petypon I think she might.

  Enter Mongicourt with a parcel.

  Mongicourt This is all I could find. Oh, excuse me.

  Petypon (aside) He has to catch on. (To the General.) Uncle Charles, may I introduce my old friend and colleague, Doctor Mongicourt? (To Mongicourt.) General Charles Petypon du Grelé. My uncle.

  Mongicourt Glad to meet you. After all these years.

  General Ah. Hem. Yes. Know what you mean.

  Mongicourt Really? Oh. Splendid. Splendid.

  Mongicourt, General, Petypon (laughing) Splendid.

  General Well, well, well.

  All three Well, well.

  Mongicourt Well.

  Petypon Well.

  Mongicourt Are you staying in Paris long?

  Petypon (alone) I say, well, well. (Seeing he is on his own.) Well?

  General Leaving today for Touraine. Seeing to niece’s marriage. (To Petypon.) Never told you she was marrying, did I? You’ll be amazed. Corignon, Captain Corignon.

  Petypon (indifferently) Really?

  General (surprised) Corignon. You know, Corignon!

  Petypon Never heard of him.

  General Course you have.

  Petypon Have I?

  General Your wife said you knew him well, both of you.

  Petypon Ah! She said …

  General Yes.

  Petypon Ah. Good. Fine. Excellent. (Aside.) We’ll never get out of this.

  Mongicourt Gabrielle? Is she here, then?

  Petypon (signing urgently to Mongicourt, who unfortunately isn’t looking) O yes. Ahem! Ahem! Yes, she is!

  General In there, just getting up.

  Mongicourt Getting up?

  Petypon (through his teeth) Getting … up.

  Mongicourt (aside) Now what? (Aloud.) Excuse me, General. Would you mind if I had a private word with my friend Petypon?

  General Not at all.

  Mongicourt Medical ethics. You know. One of our patients. Professional consultation. You do understand?

  General By all means.

  Mongicourt (in a low voice, to Petypon) What’s going on? Your wife’s in there?

  Petypon (the same, to him) It’s Shrimp! He found her in the bed …

  Mongicourt You’re for it now.

  Petypon I’m enjoying myself!

  He starts as he hears Gabrielle’s voice upstage.

  Petypon Erg, Gabrielle! Now what? (As Gabrielle enters.) She’s here!

  Gabrielle comes in and speaks without looking round.

  Gabrielle All done. Mission accomplished.

  Abruptly she finds herself face to face with the General.

  Gabrielle Oh, excuse me.

  They exchange wary smiles.

  Petypon (quickly) My dear, this is General Charles Petypon du Grelé, my uncle.

  Gabrielle General Petypon.

  She hugs him.

  What a lovely surprise!

  General (taken aback) I say.

  Gabrielle Lucien’s told me so much about you.

  She kisses his cheek.

  General Has he? Has he? (Aside.) I don’t know who she is, but she’s damned affectionate.

  Gabrielle You must excuse me, General, for being so out of breath.

  General Take your time, dear lady.

  Gabrielle (to the others) I went to the Gare du Nord. I’ve just got back. It’s done. (To the General.) He spoke to me!

  General Who did?

  Gabrielle The Chosen One.

  General (aside) What’s she talking about?

  Gabrielle (with emotion) How marvellous and mysterious are the ways of Providence! I waited in the Gare du Nord for half an hour, walking up and down platform seven, then suddenly, at the refreshment counter, I saw him. A first-class passenger. I thought – I was quivering with emotion – ‘That’s him! That’s the man heaven destines to create with a word the child who is to save la patrie, save France!’

  The General looks hard at her for a moment, then says with conviction to the audience:

  General Woman’s barkin’.

  Gabrielle I wanted to throw myself at his feet. I was about to rush towards him, when an arm held me back! Like the wind, a train came into the station, and a crowd of people passed by me, swirled by me, and he hurried past without a glance! The train pulled out of the station. And then … then … from the mouth of a simple soul, the Word was vouchsafed, the word I’d been waiting for: ‘All tickets ready, please. All tickets ready for collection.’ (Pause.) The Chosen One was a ticket collector!

  Petypon and Mongicourt How amazing.

  General Extraordinary.

  Gabrielle (exhausted) Today has worn me out.

  Mongicourt, seeing the opportunity, tries to lead Gabrielle to her own room.

  Mongicourt That’s right, that’s right. You have to rest. You ought to lie down for an hour or two.

  Petypon At least.

  Mongicourt I’m sure the General will excuse you.

  Gabrielle (letting them lead
her off) You’re right. You will excuse me, General?

  General What? Certainly.

  Gabrielle stops, bringing up short Petypon and Mongicourt also.

  Gabrielle I hope, while you’re in Paris, we’ll see lots more of you.

  General Unfortunately, no. Leaving for Touraine, tonight.

  Gabrielle Touraine?

  General Tonight. House closed for ages. Needs staying in. Locals say it’s haunted.

  Gabrielle You’re not afraid of ghosts?

  General Don’t wait to find out. Haha!

  Gabrielle Well, goodbye for the time being, General.

  General (bowing) Dear lady.

  Gabrielle I leave you with my husband.

  Petypon and Mongicourt (aside, sombrely) No.

  Exit Gabrielle.

  General (aside) Her husband?

  Petypon (aside) Problems!

  The General, after staring at the two men, moves towards them. When he reaches Petypon he brushes him aside and holds out his hand to Mongicourt.

  General My dear fellow, I beg your pardon. No idea this lady was your wife.

  Mongicourt My wi…

  General My nephew’s fault. Never said her name when he introduced us.

  Mongicourt Eh? That’s all right.

  Petypon (quickly) No, no, no. It was outrageous, unforgivable. My uncle’s entirely right. (To the General.) You’re entirely right. I should have said, ‘Madame Mongicourt.’ Never mind, though, eh? No harm done. (Aside to Mongicourt.) No harm done at all.

  Mongicourt (aside to him) That’s easy for you to say.

  General (to him) Monsieur, compliments. Charming woman.

  Mongicourt (through his teeth) Thank you.

  General (nudging Petypon, aside) For a real old boot, that is.

  Petypon (annoyed, aside to the audience) He keeps on saying that.

  Mongicourt (to the audience, in the same tone of voice) This is pushing friendship a wife too far.

  Enter Shrimp in Gabrielle’s new dress.

  Shrimp There, I’m ready.

  General Ah. My niece.

  Shrimp How d’you like me?

  She high-kicks over a chair.

  ‘Houp-la. This one’s for me.’

  Petypon and Mongicourt are horror-struck, but the General is delighted.

  General I say.

  He mimics her movement.

  ‘Houp-la. This one’s for me.’ (To Petypon.) Y’know, Lucien, she makes me feel young again.

  Petypon (muttering) How nice. (Aside.) That’s all we need.

  General (looking at his watch) I say, getting late. Standing gossiping … errands to run, things to do. (To Shrimp.) You’ve got the time? Five past four at the station?

  Shrimp Yes, Uncle Charles.