Plays 2 Read online

  Shrimp For ten francs, you want a life story?

  Petypon (annoyed) For heaven’s sake, how much do you want?

  Shrimp Who said I wanted money at all? Bad boy! Bad! (She pulls his nose.)

  Petypon (pulling free) Will you stop doing that?

  Shrimp You want me to go? I’ll go.

  Petypon At last.

  Shrimp I mean, if your one and only came back and found me here …

  Petypon Exactly.

  Shrimp She wouldn’t half give you a mouthful.

  Petypon She wouldn’t half … I mean, precisely.

  Shrimp All right, I’m off. And if you do decide to give me a present … My dress. The dress I was wearing yesterday. I still owe the dressmaker. You pay the bill, and that’ll be that.

  Petypon (dazed) That’ll be what?

  Mongicourt (aside to him) Remember who has the dress.

  Petypon Ah. Yes. (To Shrimp.) What a good idea. I’ll do it. (He takes out his wallet.) How much was it?

  Shrimp Five hundred francs.

  Petypon Fi…fi…fi…fi…fi…?

  Shrimp Fifty patients’ worth.

  She pinches his nose. He pulls free angrily.

  Petypon Stop doing that. (He counts out money) A hundred … two … three … four … fifty … twenty … ten … ten … five … one, two three, four, five.

  Shrimp Thank you.

  Petypon Are you sure you can carry it?

  Shrimp I’ll manage.

  Petypon (at the door) Fine. Good. Goodbye.

  But Shrimp has gone to the chair where her dress was.

  Shrimp Hang on. My dress. It’s vanished.

  Petypon What dress?

  Shrimp My dress.

  Petypon Oh, that dress. You don’t need it. You’re fine as you are. Go on.

  Shrimp I’ll catch my death of cold in my commies.

  Petypon What?

  Mongicourt She’s wearing them.

  Petypon Oh, those. Good grief, what a baby. Put this on.

  He snatches the tablecloth covering the pouffe and puts it round her shoulders. She throws it down.

  Shrimp I will not. It tickles. I want my dress.

  Petypon (losing control) You want your dress. Well, you can’t have your dress. And why can’t you have your dress? Because it’s not here. D’you hear? Not here.

  Shrimp What d’you mean? Who swiped it?

  Petypon Pardon?

  Mongicourt (to him, enjoying the situation) Answer the question.

  Petypon (beside himself again) My wife swiped it. You were here. You heard her.

  Shrimp You mean that was my dress? Well, that beats all. You gave away my dress. If you think I had it made to give away … Five hundred francs, that cost.

  Petypon Don’t remind me.

  Shrimp I need a dress to wear.

  Petypon So, buy one.

  Shrimp Till you gave it away, I had one.

  Petypon I didn’t give it away.

  Shrimp It comes to the same thing.

  Mongicourt She’s right. It does.

  Petypon Whose side are you on?

  Gabrielle (off) She’s mad, that dressmaker, quite mad. I don’t know whose measurements these are …

  Petypon (wildly, to Shrimp) Hide! Hide!

  Shrimp What now?

  Mongicourt Don’t argue. Hide!

  Shrimp I wish you’d make your mind up.

  Petypon (holding the door shut against Gabrielle, hissing at Mongicourt) For God’s sake hide her.

  Mongicourt Yes. Yes.

  Shrimp Where? Where?

  Mongicourt tries to push her under the desk.

  Mongicourt There. There.

  Shrimp (on all fours) The pouffe’s in the way.

  Petypon Get on with it.

  Mongicourt Don’t keep saying that.

  Seeing that Shrimp is on all fours in front of the desk, he covers her with the tablecloth as though she is the pouffe, and then sits on her. All this time Gabrielle has been pushing at the door, and now she bursts in.

  Gabrielle What are you doing?

  Petypon collapses in her arms, making inarticulate cries as if he’s having a seizure. He steers her towards the sofa.

  Petypon Aha. Aha. Aha.

  Gabrielle (terrified) What’s wrong with him? Édouard! It’s another attack. Hangoveria.

  Mongicourt (without getting up from Shrimp’s back) Hold on to him. Don’t let him go.

  Gabrielle (to Petypon, who is still whimpering, and has turned them round so that her back is to Mongicourt) Lucien, my darling. Oof, you’re heavy. Édouard, come and take over. I can’t hold him any longer.

  She tries to turn to Mongicourt, but Petypon pulls her back round to face him.

  Petypon No, you, you. Not him. Aha. Aha.

  Gabrielle (supporting him) But you’re heavy.

  Petypon turns to the audience in such a way that Gabrielle, who is behind him, must do so also. He speaks in a fading voice.

  Petypon Turn me to the north. Aha … Turn me to the north …

  Gabrielle Which way is north?

  She turns him to face Mongicourt and Shrimp. He quickly turns her back again.

  Petypon That’s south. You have to face north. Aha … Turn me to the north.

  Gabrielle I don’t know where north is.

  Petypon It’s opposite south.

  Gabrielle We’ll have to sit down. I’m exhausted. Édouard, please bring me the pouffe.

  Petypon Not the pouffe. Aee!

  Gabrielle I want to sit down.

  Petypon I want to stand up. Aha … Édouard, get rid of the pouffe. Get rid of the pouffe.

  Mongicourt Get rid of the pouffe?

  Gabrielle Can’t you see it’s upsetting him?

  Mongicourt (crossly) All right, I’ll get rid of the pouffe. (Muttering) Get rid of the pouffe … Get rid of the pouffe …

  He joins his hands under Shrimp’s knees, pich her up and takes her into the bedroom.

  Petypon Has it gone yet?

  Mongicourt leaves Shrimp in the bedroom and returns with the cloth that covered her.

  Mongicourt Yes, all gone.

  Petypon (instantly recovering) Phew, that’s better.

  Gabrielle (letting go) Thank God. You frightened me.

  Petypon (brightly) No, no, no, no, no. All over. These attacks are always the same. Very severe, then, all of a sudden, over. (To Mongicourt.) Isn’t that right? … (Hissed aside.) Say something, can’t you?

  Mongicourt (quickly) Yes, over. And then … er … over.

  Petypon Over and over again. That’s it exactly. (Hissed.) Isn’t it?

  Mongicourt Yes, oh, isn’t.

  Gabrielle moves from the desk with a cup of tea.

  Gabrielle I certainly hope so. (Handing Petypon the tea.) Here.

  Petypon Thank you.

  Gabrielle You know, I wonder if this attack wasn’t heaven, punishing you.

  Petypon What for?

  Gabrielle For laughing at me yesterday … about the miracle at the Gare du Nord. Don’t you remember? I told you: ‘You’re wrong to scoff. God’s listening. No good’ll come of it.’

  Petypon Oh, that miracle.

  Mongicourt What miracle?

  Gabrielle Didn’t you see it in the papers? Saint Catherine appeared last week, to a family of innkeepers, by the refreshment counter on platform seven in the Gare du Nord.

  Mongicourt I hope she had a ticket.

  Petypon I hope she was trained for it.

  Gabrielle It isn’t funny. Every evening since, the saint has reappeared. I’ve seen her too.

  Mongicourt You’re joking.

  Gabrielle She spoke to me.

  Mongicourt What did she say?

  Gabrielle ‘Gabrielle, my child, heaven has chosen you for a noble destiny. Soon you’ll be visited by an archangel, who will explain the mission you are to undertake … (With a wide gesture, both palms in the air.) Begone.’

  Petypon puts his cup in her upraised hand.

  Petyp
on Oh, thanks.

  Gabrielle puts the cup on the desk.

  Mongicourt And has the archangel visited you?

  Gabrielle (simply) Not yet. I’m waiting.

  Petypon Don’t hold your breath.

  Suddenly, Shrimp is heard from the bedroom. She sounds fed up.

  Shrimp Get on with it. Get on with it!

  Petypon (hissed aside to her, through the curtain) For heaven’s sake!

  Shrimp I’m getting bored in here.

  Petypon (loudly, to Gabrielle) Ah … Hahaha. Visions. Fascinating subject. Édouard, don’t you think so? Eh? Eh? (Hissed aside.) I keep telling you, say something.

  Mongicourt Oh. Yes. Fascinating.

  Both Really fascinating.

  Gabrielle Be quiet, both of you. Someone said something in there.

  Petypon Where? In there? I didn’t hear anything. Did you hear anything?

  Mongicourt Not a thing. Nothing.

  Petypon A thing. Not. Nothing.

  Gabrielle It was in there.

  Petypon and Mongicourt No, it wasn’t. It can’t have been.

  Shrimp (in a faraway, other-worldly voice) Gabrielle … Gabrielle …

  Petypon (jumping) What’s she doing?

  Gabrielle That’s me they’re calling. Now we’ll see …

  She moves towards the curtains, but Petypon bars the way.

  Petypon You mustn’t.

  Gabrielle (pushing him aside) What’s wrong with you?

  She pulls the curtains, and falls back in amazement.

  Good heavens.

  Mongicourt Wow.

  Shrimp is kneeling on the bed with a sheet over her head. Under the sheet she holds an electric light, shining on her face. The rest of the alcove is in darkness.

  Gabrielle Look. Look.

  Petypon and Mongicourt Where?

  Gabrielle There. Can’t you see it?

  Shrimp (in the other-worldly voice) Stay where you are.

  Gabrielle What is it?

  Shrimp These sacrilegious beings cannot see me. It is only to you that I am manifest.

  Gabrielle I don’t believe it.

  Shrimp My daughter, kneel and worship. The archangel speaks.

  Gabrielle The archangel!

  She falls to her knees and hisses at the two men.

  Kneel! Now! Kneel!

  Petypon and Mongicourt Why should we? Why?

  Gabrielle The archangel’s here. You can’t see him, but I can. He’s speaking to me.

  Shrimp (aside) We’ve got a right one here!

  Gabrielle Kneel! Kneel!

  The two men kneel. Enter Étienne.

  Étienne Here’s the lemon you asked for.

  Gabrielle Shh!

  Petypon Étienne, not now.

  Étienne suddenly sees Shrimp.

  Étienne What’s that?

  Gabrielle Shh! Kneel!

  Étienne There’s something on the bed.

  Gabrielle You see it too?

  Étienne A sort of bogeyman. Very fetching.

  Gabrielle It’s an archangel. Give thanks to God, who has numbered you with the blessed. You can see it and I can see it, but neither of these gentlemen can see it at all.

  Étienne I don’t believe it.

  Gabrielle Kneel, and harken to the message from on high.

  Étienne I’ll put the lemon down.

  He puts it on the desk, and kneels.

  Gabrielle (to Shrimp, in a different tone) I’m listening, O Archangel.

  Shrimp Gabrielle! I have come from on high to reveal the mission thou hast been chosen to fulfil.

  Petypon (aside) Oh wow.

  Shrimp O Woman, art thou listening?

  Gabrielle Oh yes!

  Shrimp Arise, at once! Without hesitating a moment, go to the Gare du Nord, platform seven, walk up and down five times.

  Petypon (aside) Brilliant.

  Mongicourt (aside) She knows what she’s doing.

  Shrimp Then wait by the refreshment counter till a man comes up and speaks to you. Listen carefully to his words: for because of what he says, a child will be born.

  Gabrielle A child?

  Petypon (aside) Steady on.

  Shrimp All France awaits this child. He will lead all Europe, and found his dynasty anew.

  Gabrielle This is amazing.

  Mongicourt (aside) She believes it.

  Shrimp Go, my child. For la patrie! For France!

  Gabrielle gets up, inspired.

  Gabrielle For la patrie! For France!

  Shrimp Begone! (Pause.) And take ye domestique!

  Gabrielle To platform seven?

  Shrimp No, no, the kitchen will suffice. Adieu! I go, evaporating into space and zooming back to heaven. Wheeoooooo!

  She falls flat to the bed, turning off the light as she goes. Pause.

  Gabrielle He’s gone. Did you hear what he said?

  Petypon and Mongicourt No. What? Hear what?

  Étienne (getting up) That’s really weird.

  Gabrielle (exalted) Oh Lucien! Fancy missing such a message.

  Petypon (aside) Good God, it worked!

  Gabrielle (eagerly) Listen: every moment is precious. The archangel was here. He spoke to me. He told me what heaven requires of me.

  Petypon (exaggeratedly) And what is that? You alarm me gready.

  Gabrielle The Gare du Nord. Platform seven. The refreshment counter. A man will speak to me.

  Petypon (feigning indignation) I beg your pardon?

  Gabrielle From his words a child will be born.

  Petypon Good heavens!

  Gabrielle (excited) Lucien, he’s to be our leader. All France is waiting. Heaven’s will. It must be so.

  Petypon Oh God, oh God.

  Gabrielle What a message! You mustn’t be jealous.

  Petypon But he won’t be mine!

  Gabrielle He won’t be anyone else’s either.

  Petypon Gabrielle! Excuse me?

  Gabrielle You’ll be a leader’s father.

  Étienne If I was in your place, Monsieur, I’d say yes.

  Mongicourt Your country expects it of you, old man.

  Gabrielle (to him) Yes! Help me to persuade him.

  She throws herself at Petypon’s feet.

  Gabrielle Lucien, darling!

  Petypon puts his hand on her head. He speaks in a weak voice.

  Petypon I say, my will is weakening. Hark! What voices are these, calling to me? What are these visions, all in white, holding out to me their suppliant hands?

  Gabrielle (radiant) You’ve seen it too!

  Petypon ‘Yield, yield,’ they’re saying to me. ‘For la patrie! For France!’

  Gabrielle For la patrie!

  Mongicourt and Étienne La patrie!

  Shrimp (under the sheet) La patrie!

  Gabrielle and Étienne (devoutly) The archangel’s voice!

  Gabrielle (to Petypon) You heard it?

  Petypon Yes. I hear. I see. Scales fall from my eyes.

  He takes her arm and pushes her towards the door.

  Hurry! I agree. For la patrie! For France!

  Gabrielle For la patrie!

  She opens the door.

  Petypon (same tone) Begone! And take ye domestique!

  Gabrielle Sorry. Yes. Come on, Étienne.

  Étienne (lyrically) For la patrie!

  He picks up the lemon and saucer.

  For France!

  He follows Gabrielle out.

  Mongicourt Well, I don’t know.

  Petypon Who’d have …?

  Mongicourt You just don’t…

  Shrimp throws off the sheet, jumps out of bed and comes downstage.

  Shrimp ‘Houp-la! This one’s for me!’

  Petypon You’re really something.

  Shrimp And you’re out of trouble.

  Petypon A child, in the Gare du Nord.

  Shrimp I’m good at spooks.

  Mongicourt How did you light the sheet like that?

  Shrimp The bedside lamp.

&n
bsp; Petypon And the halo?

  Shrimp The frame out of the lampshade.

  Petypon Oh, thanks! Now you’ve pulled my shade to bits!

  Shrimp I left my own at home.

  Petypon All right, all right. My wife’s left. Now you do the same.

  Shrimp Dress me.

  Petypon Pardon?

  Shrimp For heaven’s sake! Dress me. Give me something to wear.

  Mongicourt You heard her: dress her.

  Petypon How d’you expect me to dress you? What in? My wife’s clothes won’t fit, for a start.

  Shrimp Well, think of something.

  Petypon I say, Édouard …

  Mongicourt Yes?

  Petypon Would you mind? Run down to the shops. A dress, a coat, whatever they’ve got…

  Mongicourt I won’t be five minutes.

  Exit.

  Petypon While you’re waiting, I’ll find you a dressing-gown.

  Shrimp Thank you.

  Petypon Just don’t let anyone see you. If my wife comes back, or anyone else, get into bed and hide.

  Exit.

  Shrimp Yes, Lucien.

  High-kick over chair by sofa.

  ‘Houp-la! This one’s for me!’ What a crowd. Anyone’d think I embarrassed them.

  Voices off.

  Someone’s coming! More of them. Here we go again.

  She hurries into the bedroom, and tries to shut the curtains.

  Now what’s the matter? These are stuck now. Arrg!

  She throws herself flat on the bed and pulls the sheet over herself, remaining quite motionless. Enter the General, followed by Étienne.

  General Tell Doctor Petypon his uncle’s here: General Petypon du Grelé.

  Étienne (from the threshold) Yes, Monsieur.

  General Well? What’re you hanging about in the doorway for? Come in, dammit.

  Étienne Not allowed, Monsieur.

  General Not allowed?

  Étienne By the archangel.

  General What’s that?

  Étienne The archangel.

  General What the devil d’you mean? What archangel?

  Étienne I can’t explain, Monsieur.

  General Damn fool you, then.

  Étienne Yes, Monsieur. If you want Monsieur, Monsieur, I suggest you look about, here in here, or there in there.

  General What are you babbling about? Here in here? Where in here? Perfectly obvious he’s not in here!

  Étienne He sometimes hides under the furniture.

  General Hides under the furniture! He’s mad. Get out!

  Étienne Yes, Monsieur.

  Exit.

  General Under the furniture. Chah! What furniture? (Picking up a very small item.) Not this furniture. Ha, what have we over here?

  He goes to inspect the bedroom.