Plays 2 Read online

  Chamerot Madame Petypon. Don’t you think she’s a bit of a …

  Duke (coldly) I haven’t the slightest idea.

  He turns on his heel and leaves them as Shrimp and the Duchess start to play.

  Chamerot What’s wrong with him?

  Shrimp Well, come on, everyone’s waiting.

  Guérissac and Chamerot I say. Rather.

  They run and join the other dancers. The introduction is played again, and the dancers pay respects to each other.

  Shrimp Ready, then?

  Everyone Ready.

  The dancers are formed as follows: Clémentine and the Mayor, with Guérissac and Madame Ponant; Chamerot and Madame Vidauban with Madame Claux and an Officer. Other quadrilles are on the terrace. The gentlemen, in the centre, promenade the ladies on their right arms. There follows an ‘avant-deux’ with Madame Claux and the Officer, Chamerot and Madame Vidauban. At this point, Émile enters, looking for someone. He sees Clémentine, and taking advantage as she begins her ‘avant-deux’, crosses behind her. He follows her steps at a respectful distance while addressing her loudly.

  Émile The dressmaker’s just brought the wedding dress, Mamzelle. Is there any message for her?

  Clémentine returns to her original position.

  Clémentine No, that’s all right.

  Madame Ponant (as she begins her ‘avant-deux’) The wedding dress? Oh, could we have a look?

  Ladies dancing the quadrille Ooh yes. Yes please.

  Clémentine (on her ‘avant-deux’) Of course. (To Émile.) When the dance is finished, fetch the dress and put it in there. (She points offstage.)

  Émile Yes, Miss.

  Exit. The dance reaches the end of the first set.

  Shrimp Sec-ond-ah Set.

  Everyone Sec-ond-ah Set.

  The new fours are: Clémentine, the Mayor, Madame Claux and an Officer; Guérissac, Madame Ponant, Chamerot and Madame Vidauban. At the beginning of the second set they do an ‘avant-quatre’ in a stiff and wooden manner. Shrimp starts singing with the music.

  Shrimp Tralala, tralala.

  Petypon That’s enough.

  Shrimp (low voice) Shut up, you.

  Petypon Thanks.

  Shrimp Tralala. I used to love this dance. Not like them, though. Tralala. Come on, can’t you. Liven it up a bit.

  Petypon Really.

  Shrimp Sh. (To the dancers.) You look as though you’re at the dentist’s, all of you. Have you swallowed your brollies, or something?

  Petypon If you don’t mind, less of the commentary.

  Shrimp Can’t I even talk now? Look at them. What a crowd of marionettes. (To the Duchess.) Go on by yourself. This is unbelievable.

  She gets up to join the dancing. Petypon grabs her wrist.

  Petypon No, no, please.

  Shrimp Leave me alone.

  She runs to the middle of the quadrille and until the end of the set, dances like a stage performer. Everyone stops, astounded.

  Everyone Oh.

  Petypon rushes to her and tries to hide her, fanning the tails of his jacket to make himself broader.

  Petypon That’s enough. Look, you … Er, darling, that’s enough. For heaven’s sake.

  Shrimp tosses her skirts over her head and goes upstage.

  Everyone Oh.

  Petypon (collapsing on a chair) That’s the absolute end.

  He starts rushing round, as before.

  It’s the latest fashion in Paris. It was started by the Princess –

  Ladies Not this time.

  Petypon I know! A waltz. A waltz.

  Shrimp has returned to the piano.

  Shrimp All right, a waltz.

  She leafs through the music.

  Everyone A waltz.

  General move as Guests take their partners. The General goes to Petypon.

  Chamerot (aside to Guérissac) Now d’you believe me? Now d’you admit she’s Shrimp?

  Guérissac I’m stunned.

  Chamerot It must be.

  Everyone A waltz.

  Shrimp dances past Chamerot and Guérissac.

  Shrimp Don’t you want to waltz?

  Chamerot I say … Shrimp.

  Shrimp (instinctively) Yes?

  Chamerot Told you.

  Shrimp Blast.

  Guérissac Aha.

  Shrimp Look, no tricks. For heaven’s sake, no tricks. In Paris, anything you like, but not here, please.

  Guérissac and Chamerot This isn’t Paris, hey?

  Shrimp Everyone, a waltz.

  Everyone A waltz.

  The two Officers join the other dancers. Shrimp goes to the General.

  Shrimp Uncle Charles …

  General No thanks. Bit past it.

  He takes Petypon by the arms and places him in the way.

  General Here, Lucien, you dance with her.

  Shrimp (taking Petypon’s wrist) Good idea.

  Petypon (resisting) I don’t want to.

  Everyone Go on.

  Petypon is forced to join in. The dance begins, and as the dancers head out to the terrace, the General follows and stops in the archway.

  General Youth must have its fling! Enjoy yourselves.

  He turns and sees Corignon, who has entered.

  General I say, the bridegroom.

  Corignon (saluting) General.

  General My dear fellow, bit late, aren’t you? Your fiancée’s just waltzed off into the garden.

  Corignon (clearly not that bothered) What a pity.

  He goes to talk to the Duchess, who is still playing. The General calls offstage:

  General Clémentine … I say, Clémentine … It’s no good. She can’t hear me. (To the Duchess.) I say, your Grace, you can rest your fingers. There’s no one left.

  Duchess (stopping) Good heavens, you’re right.

  General Let’s go and join the young ones.

  Duchess Gladly.

  General Corignon, you wait here. I’ll send in your fiancée. I believe she’s got a surprise for you. Won’t say any more. No, no …

  Corignon Sir, what do you mean?

  General Nuff said. You’ll see. This way, your Grace.

  He gives the Duchess his arm, and exeunt.

  Corignon A surprise. A pair of slippers she’s embroidered. Something equally exciting. Oh, this marriage. Why did I have to see Shrimp again last night?

  Enter Clémentine. She stops on the threshold.

  Corignon She’s here. My dear Clémentine, I’ve been so longing to see you.

  He kisses her hand gallantly.

  Clémentine Hallo there, er … cheeky.

  Corignon Beg pardon?

  Clémentine (embarrassed, lowering her eyes) Where the galloping gorgonzolas have you been all this time? What time d’you call this to turn up?

  Corignon (disbelieving) Good heavens.

  Clémentine Come here, let’s have a look at you.

  She sits on a chair, and pulls him on to her lap.

  There we are. Isn’t that comfy? Mmmmm.

  She nuzzles his neck by the ear.

  Corignon I say, good gracious.

  Clémentine Likes that, does he? Well then …

  She kisses him again. He breaks free.

  Corignon I’ve heard this before somewhere.

  Clémentine Who’s a pretty boy, then?

  She gets up and high-kicks over a chair.

  ‘Houp-la. This one’s for me.’

  Corignon I’m going mad. I’m seeing things. She thinks she’s Shrimp now. Clémentine. Are you all right? Where did you pick all this up?

  Clémentine Aha. Mine to know and yours to find out, cheeky.

  Corignon You didn’t learn this in Switzerland. Where did you get it from?

  Clémentine There. My cousin taught me.

  She points to Shrimp, who is standing in the doorway watching.

  Clémentine Madame Petypon. She taught me.

  Corignon My God. Shrimp.

  Shrimp Well, cousin, how d’you like what she’s
been learning?

  Corignon You, here?

  Clémentine You’ve met her already?

  Corignon Yes. (Quickly.) No. (Pause.) That is …

  Shrimp We met at the photographer’s.

  Corignon Please, darling, leave us alone for a moment. I’ve got to talk to … my cousin.

  Clémentine Go ahead, don’t mind me.

  Corignon Thank you.

  Clémentine (high-kicking) ‘Houp-la. This one’s for me.’

  Corignon Good grief.

  Clémentine (aside as she goes) I hope he likes the change in me.

  Exit.

  Corignon What are you doing here?

  Shrimp What are you doing here?

  Corignon This is a respectable household.

  Shrimp Charming. I thought it would be fun to watch you getting married. In any case: you came down to be with your fiancée, I came down to be with the man who said he loved me.

  Corignon That’s quite enough.

  Shrimp What’s the matter? You’re not embarrassed?

  Corignon Of course not. Embarrassed? Ha! Fact is, I was … er, fond of you once, and for that reason, if nothing else, if you’d the slightest –

  Shrimp But I haven’t. Not the slightest. Not the slightest at all.

  Corignon How true that is!

  Shrimp I mean, what is the slightest? Have I ever flaunted my other lovers in your face? Have I? And today you don’t feel … ‘er, fond’ of me any more.

  Corignon I do. I mean I don’t. I just don’t know.

  Shrimp You’re getting married, and you just don’t know?

  Corignon Stop reminding me I’m getting married. You don’t know what it feels like.

  Shrimp (low) ‘Houp-la. This one’s for me.’

  Corignon I say, do you still love me?

  Shrimp I might.

  Corignon Just say the word, I’m yours.

  Shrimp I say. And what about Clémentine?

  Corignon D’you really think she loves me? She’ll marry me for the same reason she’d marry anyone else … because Uncle Charles said she had to.

  Shrimp That’s true.

  Corignon How do you know?

  Shrimp She told me.

  Corignon Charming.

  Shrimp I asked her if she loved you, and she said, ‘Oh no. Love doesn’t come into it. It’s just … “Houp-la. This one’s for me.”’

  Corignon You’re joking.

  Shrimp You must be the first husband in history who gets cross with his wife because she says he’s hers.

  Corignon Tell me: how can any marriage be happy when he doesn’t love her and she doesn’t love him?

  Shrimp Say what you like, it’s marriage.

  Corignon Isn’t it better – more moral – for two people who love each other to unite in freedom, than for two people to shackle themselves in a loveless marriage?

  Shrimp All I am and all I’ve ever been: your answer.

  Corignon We could be so happy together. Don’t stop to think. No more discussion. Let’s follow fate wherever it leads us. Will you be mine?

  Shrimp You really mean it?

  Corignon Mine for ever.

  Shrimp It’s a very long time.

  Corignon Then don’t let’s waste it. Now! Let’s go. Let’s elope.

  Shrimp All right: I’m game.

  Corignon Ah.

  Shrimp A coat, a shawl to hide my hair, we’re off.

  Corignon I’ll write a note to the General, and tell him it’s over.

  Shrimp I’ll tell Petypon to forward my luggage.

  Corignon Have you seen a pen?

  Shrimp Over there.

  Corignon In a moment, I’ll be yours for ever. Ah! With Clémentine that was just an empty phrase, with you it’s … it’s …

  Shrimp Don’t be long.

  Corignon I won’t.

  Shrimp (aside, with a high-kick) ‘Houp-la. This one’s for me.’

  Exit.

  Corignon God’s will. He can’t have sent me this temptation to resist. No, he knows me too well for that.

  He is about to leave, when Gabrielle hurries in. They collide.

  Corignon Frightfully sorry.

  Gabrielle I’m having a ghastly time.

  Corignon (trying to get past) I say. Oh dear. No, really.

  Gabrielle I went into my room. I shut the door. I never even touched the lock.

  Corignon And quite right too, if I may say so. Now, if you’ll …

  Gabrielle And when I tried to get out, the door was locked. Double-locked.

  Corignon (humounng her) Of course it was.

  Gabrielle The key turned on its own. I’ve been in there for half an hour. No one heard. Then someone came.

  Corignon suddenly snaps, and barh an order.

  Corignon Ten … shun!

  She comes bewilderedly to attention, he salutes and exit. Pause.

  Gabrielle He really wasn’t interested. It’s all very well for the General to say ghosts don’t exist. The whole thing’s … You can’t tamper with the supernatural. Stay calm, stay calm. What did you come in here for? Keys, keys, the keys of the case.

  She looks for her bag on the piano.

  I’m sure I put my bag on the piano. Perhaps it’s on the floor.

  She scrabbles. Enter Petypon.

  Petypon My God, what an evening. Erg, it’s her! Someone’s let her out.

  He leaps to put out all the lights.

  Gabrielle (startled) What’s happened?

  Petypon (aside) Hide, hide … My God, bright moonlight …

  He ducks out of sight.

  Gabrielle I can’t see a thing. What are these shadows so suddenly surrounding me?

  Petypon If I duck behind the piano, I’ll be invisible.

  Gabrielle Don’t be silly, Gabrielle. It’s just a fuse. No need to panic.

  Petypon trips and falls on to the piano keys. Gabrielle screams.

  Gabrielle Aaaaaah.

  Petypon Damn that piano stool.

  He hides.

  Gabrielle Who’s there?

  Silence.

  Who’s at the piano? No answer. I heard you. (Pulling herself together.) Come on, Gabrielle, go and see.

  Petypon hits more chords.

  Gabrielle Aaaaah.

  Petypon starts playing ‘chopsticks’.

  Gabrielle It’s playing itself. It’s haunted.

  She goes to the door, to be met by what looks like a tall white ghost – in fact a mannequin weanng the wedding dress and carried by Émile. He is followed by a string of dancing Guests, who go round her information and disappear out into the garden again.

  Gabrielle Have mercy, spirits. Oh, have mercy.

  Petypon rushes to the bell, removes the cloth and places the bell over her head.

  Petypon (in an other-worldly voice) Gabrielle … Gabrielle … This is your guardian angel. Harken to my voice, and obey my commands.

  Gabrielle (from inside the bell) The archangel.

  Petypon Under this protective shield you can brave the spirits. But to avoid disaster, leave this enchanted casde immediately. Take your bags and go, without a backward glance.

  Gabrielle Oh, thank you, thank you.

  Petypon Begone, and give ye thanks to God.

  General (off) Yes, yes. I’ll see what’s going on.

  Petypon Oh my God, not him now.

  He hides behind the piano. Enter the General.

  General Who switched the damn lights off?

  He switches them on again. Gabrielle, with the bell on her head and its tasselled cover hanging down over her outstretched arms, is stumbling about.

  General What the devil? Oh, the madwoman. Hey. What’re you doing under there?

  He tries to remove the bell.

  Gabrielle Leave me alone. Leave me alone.

  General Don’t be ridiculous.

  Gabrielle Leave me alone.

  General This bell is mine. Will you give it back?

  Gabrielle No. The archangel … the archangel …


  She and the General go out, struggling. Petypon emerges.

  Petypon At last I’m rid of her. That’s one less precipice to fall over. Now, where’s the other one?

  Enter Mongicourt.

  Mongicourt Ah, there you are.

  Petypon What are you doing here?

  Mongicourt Thank God I’m in time. My dear fellow, I’ve come all the way from Paris. I’ve come to warn you: catastrophe.

  Petypon Really. Tell me. I’m ready for anything.

  Mongicourt (portentously) Your … wife … is … here.

  Petypon Don’t ever do that again.

  Mongicourt Pardon?

  Petypon If that’s all you came for, you really needn’t have bothered.

  Mongicourt You mean you knew?

  Petypon Of course I knew. She’s been here for hours. I’ve had the devil’s own job getting rid of her.

  Mongicourt You mean she …? You mean you …? Thank God. But how could I have known? She said she was leaving. I said to myself: ‘I have to warn him.’ I ran to the station. Caught the first train down. Jumped in. Thank God,’ I thought, ‘I’ll get there before her.’ Unfortunately, the first train down was a stopping train, so the second got here first. I should have known. As the Bible says, the first shall be last, and the last shall be –

  Petypon For heaven’s sake, not the Bible now.

  Mongicourt But it’s turned out all right?

  Petypon You’re joking. This is Shrimp. Every time she opens her mouth she drops a clanger. Only you can help me now. Go and find the General. Tell him you’ve come to fetch me for an urgent operation, an emergency, and that no delay is possible. I’ll tell him I’m sorry, whisk Shrimp away, and it’ll all be over. (Pushing him out.) Go on, hurry up. You can still save me.

  Mongicourt Where’s the General?

  Petypon In the garden, with the guests.

  Mongicourt All right, stop pushing. The trouble you get into …

  Exit into the garden. Enter Corignon.

  Corignon Where the devil’s Émile? There’s a letter to deliver.

  Petypon Ah, Corignon.

  Corignon Ah, Petypon.

  Petypon I think I ought to warn you. (Portentously.) Shrimp’s here.

  Corignon (entirely relaxed) Shrimp’s here?

  Petypon Shrimp’s here.

  Corignon I say, what larks.

  Petypon Larks? I wish she was anywhere.

  Corignon Very soon, she may be.

  Petypon I do hope so.

  Corignon Love to stop and chat. Fact is, in rather a hurry. I say, since you are here … wonder if you’d do a chap a favour.

  Petypon Me?

  Corignon Have to leave, dashed urgent. Would you mind … er, when you next see the General, would you give him this?