Plays 2 Page 17

  Massenay That’s what upsets him.

  Chanal I could have given him a few tips, told him what to do. I know this woman.

  Massenay You don’t.

  Chanal Well, not this one specifically. I know women, in general. ‘What are you waiting for?’ – that’s what I’d have said. ‘Shoulder arms, quick march, allez-oup! What are you waiting for?’ Words to that effect. I wanted to spare your blushes.

  Massenay You think I haven’t encouraged him?

  Chanal So what’s stopping him? The husband?

  Massenay That’s one reason.

  Chanal You’re joking! One more cuckold?

  Massenay Oh, he’d get over the husband. The main reason is, his problem. He’s terminally shy. He falls for a woman, doesn’t stand a chance. Until he gets her, he falls over his own feet, can’t get a word out – and the more he does that, the less he gets her. Passion, brush-off, passion, brush-off: it’s a vicious circle.

  Chanal He’s had it, then?

  Massenay That’s the whole point, he hasn’t. And he never will, unless someone takes pity, makes the first move, the kindness of her heart…

  Chanal It doesn’t work that way.

  Massenay Especially not with this one. She’s no idea, he claims. And she never will have: every time he sees her he stutters, he blushes, falls over furniture, he’s useless.

  Chanal (vastly amused) I know, I’ve seen him.

  Massenay What?

  Chanal (double take) Just a minute …

  Massenay (getting there ahead of him) It isn’t.

  Chanal It is! (Amused again) My wife.

  Massenay Your wife?

  Chanal The wife in question: my wife. Whenever he sees her, all that … and that … It’s obvious.

  Massenay No, no, no, no, no, no. It isn’t. I didn’t. You mustn’t. He isn’t. They can’t be. Oh God.

  Chanal I think it’s very funny. In any case: he’s in love with my wife. What’s wrong with that? So long as that’s all he is. And it is. My wife’s an honest woman.

  Massenay (fervently) Oh, she is. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes…

  Chanal You’re just saying that. You’ve never met her. But I have. I know her very well. No problems with her – and none from Coustillou.

  Massenay Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

  Chanal So long as he’s falling over furniture, I sleep easy in my bed.

  Massenay Oh, do that, do that.

  Chanal Even so, it’s funny. Coustillou! I have to tell her. Francine!

  Francine (off) What is it?

  Massenay What are you doing? Don’t breathe a word to Coustillou. He’ll kill me.

  Chanal Trust me. Ha! He’d have a heart attack!

  Massenay Like Poteau did.

  Chanal What? Oh. Poteau. Ha! No, this would be before …

  Massenay Exactly.

  Chanal Ah. (Calling off) Francine!

  Francine (off) What is it?

  Chanal I want to tell you something.

  Enter Francine. She doesn’t see Massenay.

  Francine What’s the matter?

  Chanal You’ll never guess. You and your high horse.

  Francine What are you talking about? (Seeing Massenay.) Monsieur.

  Chanal Sorry. My friend Massenay. Émile Massenay.

  Francine Pleased to meet you. Just a minute, you’re not –

  Massenay (to Chanal) It’s always the same.

  Francine You’re not related?

  Massenay Unfortunately. He’s E.T. and I’m A.Y.

  Francine What bad luck.

  Massenay It can’t be helped. A.Y.

  Chanal Never mind A.Y. This is Massenay from school!

  Francine I’m sorry. I hardly know anyone.

  Chanal Never mind that. D’you know what someone’s just told me? (For maximum effect.) Coustillou’s in love with you.

  Francine Who told you?

  Chanal He did.

  Francine (to Massenay) You did?

  Massenay How could I? I didn’t even know. All I said was, Coustillou’s in love with someone’s wife, but whenever he sees her he goes all … goes all … That’s all. You said, ‘My God, my wife!’ I didn’t.

  Chanal It comes to the same thing. (To Francine.) Well? Well? Aren’t you amazed? Isn’t it a revelation?

  Francine (calmly) I’ve known for ages.

  Chanal What?

  Francine Of course I have.

  Chanal He told you?

  Francine Just as well he didn’t. When a man tells you he loves you, don’t believe him. But when he hides it, it’s obvious.

  Chanal I never even noticed.

  Francine (with gentle irony, no edge) You’re a husband. You can’t be expected to notice things.

  Massenay Touché, Madame.

  Chanal She’s right. Now I think about it … it’s obvious. I mean, for a start, all that asparagus.

  Massenay Asparagus.

  Chanal Today, yes. Pears, yesterday. My wife just has to say, quite casually, Tears look good this morning’, or ‘I really fancy some asparagus’, and bam! Two hours later, there’s Coustillou, panting at the door with a bunch of asparagus or a pair of pears.

  Massenay You’re joking.

  Francine I have to think what I’m saying.

  Chanal It’s not as if it was anyone else. The other day I had indigestion, he was there, I said, ‘I wish I had a peppermint’ – nothing! If my wife had said it, he’d have brought her a shopful.

  Francine You are silly.

  Chanal You’ll see, yourself. Now we’re going to be neighbours. (To Francine.) Massenay’s just rented the flat downstairs.

  Francine You’re joking.

  Chanal I was just fetching the papers. (To Massenay.) Excuse me a moment…

  Massenay Of course.

  Chanal Get to know each other. I won’t be long.

  Exit into his office. Pause. Francine is watching Chanal leave. Massenay is fiddling with a vase from the sideboard, pretending great interest in it. This continues till Chanal closes the door. Then:

  Francine Darling! The flat downstairs!

  Massenay Oh yes.

  Francine (running into his arms) Oh darling, darling…

  Massenay Wasn’t it brilliant? You were so worried yesterday, at the rue du Colisée, afraid someone had seen you …

  Francine I was right. A friend of my husband’s lives there. He saw me arrive, he saw me leave. Fortunately, my husband didn’t notice. But he could’ve …

  Massenay Don’t! It’s all right now. No risk of being seen, no need to go out. Your own building, you can … we can … in our own building. So much more convenient!

  Francine For all three of us: you, me, my husband … Oh, darling.

  Massenay Oh, darling.

  They are in each other’s arms. Knock, off. They spring apart, looking nonchalant as they were when Chanal went out.

  Francine Come in.

  Enter Coustillou, timidly.

  Massenay (as if finishing a remark begun earlier) … quite unlike the Eiffel Tower…

  Coustillou Hoohoo. I was just…

  Francine Monsieur Coustillou. Come in.

  Coustillou Sorry.

  He goes to the piano stool and sits. He hasn’t seen Massenay.

  Massenay Afternoon, Coustillou.

  Coustillou jumps back and flattens himself against the wall.

  Coustillou Erg! What are you doing here?

  Massenay Visiting an old friend. An old school friend. Chanal.

  Coustillou Arg. Harg.

  Massenay He introduced me to Madame Chanal.

  Coustillou (in a panic) Oh, mooah … Monsieur Massenay, Madame Chanal.

  Massenay No, he’s done it already. It’s been done.

  Coustillou Mooarg.

  Massenay What’s wrong with you?

  Coustillou You can’t. It isn’t. Whatever they say. It isn’t her.

  Massenay What d’you mean?

  Francine Not me that what?

  Coustillou N
ot, erg, hoo, arg, nothing.

  He hunches up on the piano stool.

  Francine (after a moment) Shouldn’t you be going, Monsieur Coustillou?

  Coustillou No, me, no.

  Francine Didn’t you say you had an appointment?

  Coustillou I can put it off.

  He tries to look casual, leaning back nonchalantly and forgetting he’s on a piano stool He falls, recovers himself, puts his hat on, whips it off, puts it on his knee (still trying to look lackadaisical), then concentrates hard on the succeeding dialogue, frowning as if it’s a philosophical discussion, turning his head hungrily to each speaker as if it’s a tennis match.

  Francine Monsieur Massenay, what were we talking about?

  Massenay Just a minute. It was … no. It was … the Eiffel Tower. The second storey. The bookstall. You were saying there was a newspaper you liked the look of.

  Francine Was I?

  Massenay The Stockholm Tidningen, didn’t you say it was?

  Francine That’s right.

  Massenay I said I’d –

  Before he can continue, Coustillou is on his feet, darting to the door like arrow from bow.

  Francine Going, Monsieur Coustillou?

  Coustillou I won’t be a moment! A moment! Whey!

  Exit, fast. Pause.

  Massenay It’s really too easy.

  Francine You’re inspired.

  Massenay By love.

  Francine Oh, darling.

  Massenay Darling.

  Francine If you knew how I feel! Since we … I want to tell everyone. People in the street, the servants, my husband…

  Massenay Careful.

  Francine It’s all right, I won’t do it. It’s just … keeping a secret … and if I’ll tell him, he’d be furious, and if he was furious he’d make a scene, and if he made a scene he’d have to say your name … your beloved name …

  Massenay It’s not a good idea.

  Francine I know. We mustn’t be selfish. If he knew he’d be so sad, and he doesn’t deserve … it’s not his fault we … he didn’t … Better not.

  Massenay Better not.

  Francine It’s such a shame, I can’t have a lover without cheating my husband.

  Massenay You’ve doubts?

  Francine Doubts? Oh, look in my eyes!

  Massenay Oh, darling.

  Francine All I meant was … I was just saying it. I don’t mean it. (Fiddling with the things on the piano) You know how it is. They teach you in school … Morality … I mean … Fortunately, you were strong. You ignored all that.

  Massenay (smugly) Well.

  Francine When you set your heart on something…

  Massenay (the same) You know.

  Francine If you hadn’t insisted, I’d have been so sad…

  Massenay Why shouldn’t I have insisted?

  Francine I mean, if you hadn’t, I’d have … forgotten my wifely duty … run after you …

  Massenay I say! If I’d only known.

  Francine You’re shocked.

  Massenay Good heavens, shocked!

  Francine It’s the very first time I’ve –

  Massenay I say! You’ve never betrayed him before?

  Francine No, never!

  Massenay Promise you’ll be faithful always.

  Francine Oh, I do, I love you.

  Massenay Oh, darling.

  Francine Oh, darling.

  In her ecstasy she accidentally, and without noticing, jogs the phonograph, which starts to record.

  What did people do before they fell in love?

  Massenay They waited for the day.

  Francine How soon can we – ?

  Massenay You decide.

  Francine Tonight.

  Massenay We could.

  Francine I’ve managed to get away. I’ll tell my husband I’m going to the theatre with my mother. A whole evening, just for you and me.

  Massenay Wonderful. But, just for tonight, we’ll have to make do again with 21 rue du Colisée.

  Francine Doesn’t matter. I’m used to it now.

  Massenay And in love, so much in love.

  Francine Oh, darling.

  They clinch. Chanal opens his door. They spring to their former positions.

  Massenay No, really, the Eiffel Tower.

  Enter Chanal, papers in hand.

  Chanal One thing …

  Massenay What?

  Chanal How long? The lease?

  Massenay (gazing at Francine) As long as life is in me.

  Chanal Don’t be silly. Three years? Six years?

  Massenay Not nearly enough.

  Chanal Fine, twelve. Reviewable every three, at your discretion. Your discretion … ?

  Massenay Rely on it.

  Chanal Excuse me again.

  Exit. He leaves the door open. Pause. Massenay goes to embrace Francine.

  Francine Shh! He’ll hear you.

  Massenay Right.

  They sit on the sofa. Gaze into each other’s eyes. Are magnetically drawn together in a deep, long kiss. Chanal is talking over his shoulder from his office.

  Chanal Have you run out of conversation, the two of you?

  Francine (quickly) No, no.

  Chanal Don’t mind me. You carry on.

  Massenay We didn’t want –

  Chanal I won’t be a moment.

  Francine (hissing at Massenay) Say something.

  Massenay What?

  Francine Anything. (Aloud.) Tell me about your primary school.

  Massenay (lyrically: he’s talking about his school, but he’s proposing love) It’s amazing. The Hubert Harcourt School. (Kiss.) Founded by Hubert Harcourt. (Kiss.) Hence the name. (kiss.) 1813. (Kiss.) You climb the imposing steps … (Kiss.) The hall, its statues, its polished parquet … (Kiss.) Portrait of the fou – (Kiss.) – nder, that he sat for in person at the time …

  These rhapsodies are interrupted by a huge burst of mocking laughter from Chanal. Massenay has just time to hurl himself away from Francine when Chanal comes in.

  Chanal Why are you in such raptures? It’s only a primary school.

  Massenay I wasn’t.

  Chanal You were. You should have heard yourself. (Imitating) ‘You climb the imposing steps … (Pause) The hall, its statues, its polished parquet … (Pause) Portrait of the fou – (Pause.) – nder, that he sat for in person …’ All those pauses for emotion. It’s ridiculous.

  Massenay I’d no idea.

  Chanal You really love that school.

  Massenay (making sheep’s eyes at Francine) Oh, yes.

  Chanal Here’s the lease. Two copies. I’ve signed one, all you have to do is sign the other and we keep a copy each.

  Massenay Fine. Have you got a pen?

  Chanal Don’t be ridiculous. Have you never done this before? Take it away, read it carefully, then sign and return one copy.

  Massenay If you say so. (Gathering his hat) Well, I won’t impose any longer.

  Chanal You, imposing? Never. Delighted to see you again.

  Massenay Me too. Madame, honoured to have met you.

  Francine I hope, Monsieur, now that we’re neighbours, that we’ll see much more of you.

  Massenay Oh, I do agree. Good afternoon, Madame. (To Chanal.) Bye, you.

  Francine, unseen by Chanal, blows a kiss. Chanal feels the wind of it on his neck. He looks round for the source of the breeze. Then sees that Étienne has opened the door.

  Chanal Ah, Étienne. Show Monsieur out. (To Massenay.) Bye, snotnose.

  Exeunt Massenay and Étienne.

  Francine What a nice man, your friend.

  Chanal Yes, isn’t he? (Pause) Had you thought of … getting closer to him?

  Francine What d’you mean? Oh. Yes.

  Chanal No problem. Just requires organisation.

  Francine Oh, yes.

  Chanal I’d be really delighted. I mean, if you hadn’t liked him … Women, one never knows. You’re wonderful.

  Francine You don’t need to thank me.
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  Chanal (going to the phonograph) Now, for heaven’s sake, let me finish my cylinder.

  Francine I’m going out. I’m taking Mama to the theatre.

  Chanal (kissing her) Good night, darling. Don’t be too late home.

  Francine As soon as it’s over. I’ll take a cab.

  Chanal Go on, go on.

  He shoos her out. Then fiddles with the phonograph.

  Now, where were we?

  Phonograph ‘My dearest sister, so the deed is done. From today you’ll be a married woman.’

  Chanal That’s the place.

  Phonograph ‘You’ll discover a secret, penetrate a mystery, the one on all young women’s minds …’ (Continuing with Francine and Massenay.) ‘What did people do before they fell in love?’ ’They waited for the day.’

  Chanal Francine’s voice.

  Phonograph ‘How soon can we – ?’ ‘You decide.’ ‘Tonight.’ ‘We could.’ ‘I’ve managed to get away …’

  Chanal What did she say?

  Phonograph ‘I’ll tell my husband I’m going to the theatre with my mother. A whole evening, just for you and me.’

  Chanal My God, my God!

  Phonograph ‘Wonderful. But, just for tonight, we’ll have to make do again with 21 rue du Colisée.’

  Chanal Got them!

  Phonograph ‘Doesn’t matter. I’m used to it now.’

  Chanal That’s enough!

  He stuffs a hanky into the bell. The machine continues, muffled but remorseless.

  Phonograph ‘And in love, so much in love.’ ‘Oh, darling.’

  Chanal Treachery!

  He hurls himself to the door.

  Étienne! Étienne!

  Étienne (hurrying in) Yes, Monsieur?

  Chanal Where’s Madame?

  Étienne She went out, Monsieur. Just now, Monsieur.

  Chanal Fine. Go! Go, go!

  Exit Étienne.

  Chanal Went out! She couldn’t wait. Her lover, she couldn’t wait! If I knew who it was … He must have been here. Which one?

  Doorbell, off.

  It was him! My God, the swine! Pretending, and all the time he … Coustillou! That asparagus business. Coustillou! Grr, the swine.

  Étienne shows in Coustillou, with an enormous bundle of newspapers.

  Coustillou I couldn’t remember the name, so I got them all.

  Chanal Get out!

  Coustillou Pardon?

  Chanal Get out, get out, get out.

  Coustillou But I’ve got the papers.

  Chanal See what I think of them!

  He grabs them and starts trying to tear them wildly. They’re too strong for him. He throws them away in a fury – right in Étienne’s face.