Plays 2 Page 16

  Étienne. Monsieur Coustillou.

  Chanal Show him in.

  Exit Étienne.

  Hubertin Did he say Coustillou?

  Chanal Oh yes. The MP. Leader of the Opposition. The orator. Coustillou.

  Hubertin You don’t mind if I stay, do you? I’d love to meet him.

  Chanal I’ll introduce you.

  Enter Coustillou, shown in by Étienne. He is the picture of a glossy, successful public figure, well-dressed, superbly coiffeured, sleek and elegant. But he is desperately ill-at-ease and embarrassed and is holding a bunch of asparagus.

  Chanal My dear chap, come in. We were just talking about you.

  Coustillou Were you?

  He tries to close the door behind him. But his hands are full: one with asparagus, one with his hat. He dithers, then puts first the asparagus and then the hat on his head. He then shuts the door, just as Étienne shuts it from the outside. His hand is trapped.

  Coustillou Ow.

  Chanal Étienne can shut it.

  Coustillou Mooah, mooah.

  He frees his hand, puts down the hat and goes to shake Chanal’s hand, the picture of suaveness.

  Coustillou How are you?

  Chanal is sitting on a low stool, which means that the handshake is impossible to manage.

  Chanal Fine, thanks.

  Coustillou Ah. Mooah.

  He goes, suavely, to shake Francine’s hand, and falls over the stool

  Coustillou Ow.

  He rubs his shin.

  Chanal You do that every time you come. (To Hubertin.) You’d think he’d remember.

  Coustillou has meantime picked up the stool to straighten it, and stands irresolute with it dangling from his hand.

  Coustillou It’s … the thing is, I … Mm … Mooah…

  Chanal Don’t get so flustered.

  Francine (taking pity) You fluster him. Monsieur Coustillou, ignore my husband. Come and say hello.

  Coustillou (eagerly) Ah!

  He hurries forward, contriving inadvertently to hook the legs of the stool he’s carrying round a standard lamp and bung it crashing down. He scrabbles to reassemble the pieces.

  Coustillou Mooah.

  Chanal (aside) Exactly: a bull in a china shop.

  Coustillou tries to recover his savoir-faire, standing up and extending his hand with a politician’s smile. Unfortunately he’s still draped in the stool.

  Francine Put the stool down first.

  Coustillou Sorry.

  He looks for somewhere to put it.

  Chanal (aside) This can go on all night.

  Coustillou goes man-to-man to Francine and pumps her hand, then smirks up to Chanal and kisses his hand flirtatiously.

  Coustillou Old fellow … my dear…

  Chanal Start again.

  Coustillou Sorry.

  He starts back towards Francine.

  Coustillou Only joking.

  Chanal steers him towards Hubertin.

  Chanal Monsieur Hubertin. He’s very anxious to meet you.

  Coustillou Ah. Aha?

  Hubertin A fervent admirer.

  Coustillou Aha? Mm … ooah.

  Chanal Do put that down.

  Coustillou What down? (Realising he still has the asparagus) Oh, this down. Mooaaah.

  He dithers, trying to find the right place for it, finally gives it to Hubertin.

  Chanal He doesn’t want it.

  Coustillou What? It’s a branch … um, bouquet … urn, it’s asparagus.

  Chanal We didn’t think it was candyfloss.

  Francine Are you fond of asparagus, Monsieur Coustillou?

  Coustillou Oh no.

  Chanal So why d’you carry it?

  Coustillou (completely thrown) I … um … you see … it’s … I thought … it’s to …

  Chanal To break the ice.

  Coustillou Exactly.

  Chanal Ah, fine. Just what you need. A brilliant idea. You’re the clumsiest man in the universe, so you make things easier for yourself by carting round asparagus.

  Coustillou Mooah.

  Chanal Put it in the hall.

  Coustillou Yes! Yes! Thank you!

  He makes for the door. On the way he sees in his path the stool which he fell over earlier, and makes a last-minute, matador’s swerve to avoid it.

  Chanal Very good.

  Coustillou (nervously) Ha, ha.

  Exit.

  Francine Leave him alone.

  Chanal What a clown.

  Hubertin That’s Coustillou the orator? Voice like thunder, brings tears to every eye … ?

  Chanal He does to mine.

  Hubertin What a tragedy.

  Chanal He makes me cry.

  Francine You don’t have to make him worse.

  Enter Coustillou, without asparagus. He is very ill at ease.

  Chanal Thought what to do with it, then?

  Coustillou What? Oh. I … Yes.

  Chanal Feel better now?

  Coustillou Well, I … No, I … You see I … moo …

  Enter Étienne with a card on a salver in one hand and the asparagus in the other. He takes them to Francine.

  Étienne For Madame.

  Francine Pardon?

  She takes them. Exit Étienne. Coustillou is on the rack. She looks at the asparagus, then reads the card.

  Francine ‘From the office of Alphonse Coustillou.’

  She looks at Coustillou. He tries to lean nonchalantly on the back of the sofa, but misjudges the angle and prevents himself falling only by vaulting right over it and sitting with a bump. He sits bolt upright, clutching his knees and grinning nervously.

  Francine Monsieur Coustillou, you shouldn’t have.

  Coustillou Oh, you know …

  He gets up.

  Chanal You brought it for us. Why didn’t you say so? Asparagus, in March. Where did you get it?

  Coustillou Oh, you know …

  He tries to look man-of-the-world.

  Francine I’ll tell cook to serve it for dinner. And you must stay and help us enjoy it.

  Chanal (to Hubertin) I’ll get your change.

  Exeunt. Coustillou waits till they’ve gone, then releases his pent-up frustration by punching the back of the sofa in a fury. This only works him up even more, and he suddenly whirls on Hubertin and wags his finger threateningly in his face.

  Coustillou Mmmoo … mmooo … You think I’m an idiot.

  Hubertin No I don’t.

  Coustillou Oh yes you do. Well, you’re wrong.

  He goes and peers longingly off in the direction Francine exited, then returns to the charge.

  Coustillou I may look like an idiot, but I’m not an idiot.

  Hubertin I never said –

  Coustillou I’d like to see someone call me an idiot. (Gazing abstractedly off again) Just let them try. I’ll show them. Idiot!

  Hubertin Don’t be silly. Everyone knows –

  Coustillou That I’m an idiot?

  Hubertin Yes. I mean, no. You’re flustering me. You, an idiot? How could anyone think so?

  Coustillou (gazing off) Well, then.

  Hubertin Exactly. You’re the leader of the opposition. You could bring down the government.

  Coustillou Any time I want. An idiot! I’ll show them.

  Hubertin It’s all right…

  Coustillou I’ll stand up in the Assembly, I’ll look them in the eye, I’ll say (In a huge voice) ‘In the name of the République …’

  Enter Francine, by the door he’s been gazing at.

  Francine There we are. All ready.

  Coustillou (struck dumb by her arrival) Eugh … Erghh … Moooooo.

  Francine Did I hear someone shouting?

  Hubertin He was.

  Francine Monsieur Coustillou? Is anything the matter?

  Coustillou I … Wheeee …

  He picks· up Francine’s hat from where she put it down earlier, and is about to cram it on his head when he realises what he’s doing.

  Cousti
llou Meeooo.

  Francine Monsieur Coustillou, shouting. I don’t believe it. No.

  She beams at him. He is transfixed.

  Coustillou Ooooaaaaah …

  Hubertin (aside) The people’s choice.

  Enter Chanal with change.

  Chanal Twenty francs. Thanks very much.

  Hubertin No, thank you. If you’ll excuse me …

  Chanal You have to go?

  Hubertin Afraid so. Business. Much better now, in the morning –

  Chanal (joking) Than when the sun’s over the yardarm, eh?

  Hubertin (serious) Oh yes. Monsieur Coustillou, I –

  He goes to shakes hands with Coustillou, but is disconcerted to find him staring at him absolutely fixedly, lost in a world of his own. Chanal snaps his fingers.

  Chanal Coustillou. Hey, Coustillou.

  Coustillou (like a man startled out of sleep) Wha … ? Whey!

  Chanal Time to go. Monsieur wants to shake your hand.

  Coustillou Oh. Sorry. Monsieur …

  Chanal Thank you.

  Hubertin Madame.

  Francine Au revoir, Monsieur.

  Chanal I’ll see you out.

  Exeunt Chanal and Hubertin. Coustillou and Francine are left. She goes to the door to see the others off. He wriggles and writhes round the room, trying, without being embarrassed, to inch his way to the table where he left his hat. After a moment, enter Chanal.

  Chanal That’s that, then. Time for lunch, Francine.

  Francine I’m ready.

  Chanal Take Coustillou with you. I want to finish my recording.

  Francine Monsieur Coustillou, if you don’t mind putting up with me…

  Coustillou Wheeooaaaaaaah.

  He hurtles towards her.

  Chanal Mind the sofa.

  Coustillou swerves just in time, and exit with Francine. Chanal goes back to his phonograph. Doorbell, off.

  Chanal (declaiming into the machine) ‘My dearest sister, so the deed is done. From today you’ll be a married woman. Tonight you’ll discover a secret, penetrate a mystery, the one on all young women’s minds …’

  Enter Étienne with a card on a salver. We can see Massenay waiting in the hall.

  Étienne Monsieur …

  Chanal (stopping the phonograph furiously) Will you be quiet?

  Étienne But Monsieur …

  Chanal Can’t you see I’m talking?

  Étienne Who to, Monsieur?

  Chanal Mind your own business. Obviously not you. It’s a conspiracy. First Madame, then you. What? What is it?

  Étienne There’s a gentleman, Monsieur.

  Massenay is now at the open door, and can hear everything.

  Chanal is aware of this.

  Chanal A gentleman. Who needs him? I don’t need him.

  Étienne This is his card.

  Chanal I don’t need his card, and I don’t need him. I’m busy. I’m out. Tell him.

  Massenay (from the door, affably) Monsieur, so sorry to disturb you.

  Chanal (jumping) Erg! (Instantly recovenng; with overwhelming affability.) Not at all. My dear Monsieur.

  Massenay If you’re busy, I can come back.

  Chanal Not at all. I wouldn’t hear of it. Please do come in.

  Massenay How kind.

  He comes in. Meanwhile, in dumbshow, Chanal and Étienne exchange opinions. ‘This is preposterous.’ ‘Oh, Monsieur.’ ‘Get out of here. ’Exit Étienne. Chanal comes down to Massenay.

  Chanal What can I do for you? Do please sit down.

  Massenay You are Monsieur Chanal?

  Chanal Entirely.

  Massenay You own this building?

  Chanal Technically, my wife does. But as manager…

  Massenay It comes to the same thing. Your ground floor apartment’s empty.

  Chanal Indeed it is.

  Massenay I need a pied-à-terre. It would be perfect.

  Chanal You’ve seen it?

  Massenay No need. It’s perfect.

  Chanal (baffled) Ah.

  Massenay The rent is … ?

  Chanal (sizing him up) Well now … three thousand … eight…

  Massenay That’s settled then: four.

  Chanal Pardon?

  Massenay I said, ‘That’s settled, four.’

  Chanal Settled. I was …

  Massenay Four’s good. Four quarters in the year, a thousand a quarter, cash down, no shilly-shallying. Well?

  Chanal Whatever you say, then. Four.

  Massenay Thank you. As for maintenance, repairs …

  Chanal My responsibility.

  Massenay Excuse me: mine.

  Chanal Ah. Fine.

  A thought suddenly strikes him. He proceeds carefully.

  Just one thing … You’re so accommodating … I ought to mention …

  Massenay Yes?

  Chanal A young man like yourself … the apartment does belong to my wife … a matter of … Oh, for heaven’s sake, the lease has a morality clause.

  Massenay No problem.

  Chanal (once again baffled) Ah.

  Massenay Bring women off the streets? Not me.

  Chanal No, no. We’re men of the world. I mean, now and then … We wouldn’t hold you to it absolutely.

  Massenay No question of that whatever.

  Chanal I wasn’t implying … We wouldn’t want you to … I mean, now and then: your mother, your sister…

  Massenay Not with my mother, not my sister.

  Chanal I didn’t mean …

  Massenay I promise you. This building … the front hall … your concierge … No women will call for me.

  Chanal Splendid, Monsieur. Thank you. If all tenants were like you, a landlord’s life would be –

  Massenay No sense making obstacles.

  Chanal Whatever you say.

  He goes to fetch documents from his office, grimacing to the audience: ‘This is a strange one.’

  I’ve got agreements drawn up ready. We just fill in the details.

  Massenay Excellent.

  Chanal We’ll start with your name.

  Massenay It’s on my card.

  Chanal Ah. You mean … ? Of course. (Reading the card.) Émile Massenay. You’re not… ?

  Massenay No, no, no. Coincidence.

  Chanal I don’t mean that. I mean …

  Massenay Everyone makes the same mistake.

  Chanal (lost in his thoughts) Massenay. Massenay. You didn’t go to school in Saint-Louis?

  Massenay Till I was seven.

  Chanal So did I! What a coincidence! Don’t you remember? Chanal … Chanal…

  Massenay Chanal … (He turns away, thinking it out) Chanal…

  Chanal thumps him in the middle of the back, schoolboy fashion.

  Chanal Snotnose.

  Massenay Pardon?

  Chanal Sorry.

  Massenay No, no. You took me by surprise. Now I remember…

  He pushes him in his turn, schoolboy fashion.

  Snotnose yourself.

  Chanal I knew you’d remember. Chanal. Chanal?

  Massenay That’s right. The one who kept crying. The one whose mother was a…

  Chanal No, no. Me. I’m Chanal.

  Massenay Of course you are. Sorry. Monsieur Chanal. I didn’t put two and two tog – Unforgivable.

  Chanal Better late than never. Snotnose!

  He drapes his arm round Massenay’s neck.

  Chanal Now d’you recognise me?

  Massenay drapes his arm round him, so that they’re attached like three-legged racers. They prance across the stage, this way then that way.

  Chanal That’s better.

  Massenay Oh yes.

  Chanal When you’ve flicked ink-pellets at each other … there’s nothing to beat it. You make friendships later, but not like that.

  Massenay At our age, especially.

  Chanal That’s right. Oh, what times they were! (Businesslike tone) Do please sit down.

  They sit side by side. He goes all s
entimental again.

  Well, well. Good old Massenay. Well, well, well, well, well. D’you remember Bourrache, the one who was always pulling faces?

  Massenay That’s right.

  Chanal I still bump into him.

  Massenay Really?

  Chanal Hasn’t changed a bit. Same old faces.

  Massenay You’re joking.

  Chanal Bursting with cheerfulness. Full of the joys of life. These days he’s an undertaker.

  Massenay Stands to reason.

  Chanal Poteau, remember Poteau?

  Massenay No.

  Chanal The one with that sister. She kept looking, remember? Sideways. What a squint that was! ‘Two for one’, don’t you remember?

  Massenay Not remotely.

  Chanal Anyway, he’s dead.

  Massenay Poteau? Poor fellow.

  Chanal Absolutely.

  Massenay What did he die of?

  Chanal He went just like that.

  Massenay Oh, not like that.

  Chanal Just like that. Anyone could have told him. If you must have a lady friend who … and who … the last thing you do is, after a five-course meal … literally, the last thing you do …

  Massenay You don’t mean … ?

  Chanal At least he died with a smile on his face.

  Massenay Poor old Poteau.

  Chanal (new tone) Just a minute. You never knew a Poteau. He was at senior school.

  Massenay I thought I didn’t … Why are you upsetting me for nothing? What do I care if he’s dead? Poteau!

  Chanal After all, we all have to go.

  Massenay I never meet anyone I was at school with. You know what it’s like. You think you’ll be friends for ever. You grow up, you drift apart … I only meet one these days. He’s done very nicely. They’re the only ones you do meet. Except the ones who ask you for money. I don’t know if you remember him: Coustillou, the MP.

  Chanal You’re joking. He’s here.

  Massenay Here?

  Chanal In there, with my wife. He’s one of my oldest friends. He’s always here.

  Massenay Amazing. He’s one of my oldest friends. He’s never mentioned you.

  Chanal They can’t mention everyone.

  Massenay Coustillou, eh? Poor old Coustillou. The state he’s in.

  Chanal What state he’s in?

  Massenay Because he’s in love.

  Chanal In love?

  Massenay Hasn’t he told you?

  Chanal No.

  Massenay He talks of nothing else. His hopeless grand passion.

  Chanal Hopeless? Who for?

  Massenay He never says. Someone’s wife, that’s all I know. He’s discretion personified. Tells me every detail, but never names names.

  Chanal He never said a word to me. Secrets, from me! Well, it’s hopeless anyway.