Plays 2 Page 18
Étienne Ow!
Chanal I’m sorry. An accident. (Advancing on Coustillou.) You. Don’t just stand there. 21 rue du Colisée.
Coustillou Pardon?
Chanal She’s waiting.
Coustillou Who is?
Chanal My wife, you fool! Go to her! Make love to her! Go on, go on!
Coustillou Make love –
Chanal Traitor! Viper! Earthworm! Out, out, out!
He bundles him out.
Étienne, you see that swine? If he so much as darkens this door again, kick him downstairs. D’you hear? Go on! Go on!
He storms round the stage, turning at the last moment to say to the audience:
This feels so good!.
He sweeps into his office and slams the door, as the curtain falls.
Act Two
Massenay’s love-nest in the rue du Colisée. The usual ornate, rococo style: the cupids and harlequins framing the minor over the fireplace are typical. Apart from the entrance door (which needs a serviceable lock), a second door opens into the inner room. There is a window, lavishly curtained. The principal furniture is a four-poster bed; other items – sofa, chairs, tables – ad lib. There is a speaking-tube with the usual whistle attached, to attract the attention of the person at the other end.
When the curtain rises, the day clothes of Trancine and Massenay are on separate chairs; Massenay’s long-johns and top hat are also there. The two love-birds are fast asleep in the bed. Francine is peaceful, but Massenay is having disturbed dreams, which culminate in him sitting bolt upright, pointing into the darkness of the room and shouting:
Massenay Further left! Further left, you fool!
Francine (starting awake) What’s the matter? What is it?
Massenay He’s going to land on us.
Francine (shaking him) It’s just a nightmare.
Massenay Look out! Look out!
Francine Émile! Wake up!
Massenay What? Hoo. (Awake.) What’s the matter?
Francine You frightened me half to death.
Massenay What? Me? How?
Francine Dreaming out loud like that. My heart’s really thumping.
Massenay I’m sorry.
Francine Feel it.
Massenay Darling, I’m sorry. (Jumping out of bed, in his long nightgown) I’ll fetch you a glass of water.
Francine You never told me you had nightmares.
Massenay I don’t. I usually just sleep with a sheet. You insisted on the quilt. They always give me nightmares. I thought it was a hot-air balloon.
Francine Oh, darling, it’s my fault. I’m sorry.
Massenay No, no, it’s my fault. My nightmare. Mind you, nightmares: they’re worth having, just to wake up from.
Francine You are clever.
Massenay It was unforgivable of me, having a nightmare in someone else’s arms. Your arms. We went to sleep in each other’s arms.
Francine Oh, Émile, afterwards! Just like the husband and wife in a fairy tale. Going gently off to sleep together, duty done …
Massenay Oh, darling.
Francine I completely forgot my husband.
Massenay I should think so.
Francine I was transported to Paradise.
Massenay Naturally.
He is putting on his long-johns.
Francine Falling asleep in each other’s arms. That’s what love is. If you don’t do that, you can’t be in love. No satisfaction at all.
Massenay Well, I’m not so sure –
Francine It’s in all the stories. I mean, immediately afterwards, there’s a moment or two of … of…
Massenay (in his best Latin accent) Animal triste.
Francine Pardon?
Massenay It’s Latin. Animal triste. It means …
Francine Never mind, if it’s Latin it proves it. Asleep in each other’s arms – if you don’t have that, it’s like going out to dinner in a station.
Massenay I say! You said I was clever.
Francine No, I mean it. Going to sleep afterwards makes it seem … domestic, married, not an affair. Respectable.
Massenay You know everything.
Francine It was in the stars, we were made for each other. Some things are fated before we’re even born. I mean, in the ordinary way, it should have been Coustillou. He’s been standing there for weeks. In the ordinary way, he could say he got here first – but no! Brr! I couldn’t.
Massenay Poor Coustillou.
Francine You think I ought to – ?
Massenay No, I don’t.
Francine The moment I saw you … we’d never met, didn’t know each other … I knew, right away, ‘He’s the one who’ll …’ – and you must have known, at the same moment, ‘She’s the one who’ll …’
Massenay Must I?
Francine Don’t say you didn’t. It’s like Morse code. Tap tap tap at one end … tap tap tap at the other. You were in the stalls, I was in the gallery, your eyes met mine, and something inside me knew at once –
Massenay ‘He’s the one who’ll …’
Francine (falling back luxuriously on the pillows) It’s wonderful. If we were married, it’d be like this every morning.
Massenay Oh, yes.
Francine You’re lucky, you’re free. If I was free too, would you marry me?
Massenay Like a shot.
Francine It would be so wonderful. Happiness, any time we chose, for as long as we chose. No clock-watching, ever.
Massenay No clock-watching! I mean … the theatre must be finishing. It feels like midnight.
Francine (lazily) So soon! Oh … what time is it?
Massenay (looking at his watch, on the bedside table) Oh, just … My God!
Francine (still yawning) What?
Massenay There’s something wrong with it.
Francine (sitting up) It’s not midnight?
Massenay Six o’clock in the morning.
Francine What d’you mean, six o’clock in the morning?
Massenay Six o’clock in the morning.
Francine It’s stopped. We can’t have slept all night.
Massenay It’s going. Listen. Tick, tock, tick, tock … It’s going.
Francine If it is, it’s fast. You lose all sense of time when you’re asleep.
The clock on the mantelpiece gathers itself to chime.
Ah! Listen!
They count the chimes.
Both Two … three … four … five … six…
Massenay Seven.
But the clock has stopped chiming. It’s like treading on a stair that isn’t there.
Francine Six! Six! It’s six!
Massenay Six is bad enough.
Francine Six is a disaster.
She leaps out of bed and starts pulling on her clothes.
Massenay Oh God, oh, God, oh God, oh God…
Francine It’s all right for you. You aren’t married.
Massenay (forgetting) Of course I’m married.
Francine (jumping) Married?
Massenay No, no, no, no, no, no, yes.
Francine Married! That’s disgusting. You said you were a bachelor.
Massenay Of course I said I was a bachelor. If you say you’re married, you get nowhere.
Francine Married!
Massenay My God! What will I tell my wife?
Francine (raging) Never mind your wife! No one asked you to be married. What am I going to tell my husband?
Massenay We’re done for, done for.
Francine Don’t be ridiculous. I can’t tell him that.
Massenay You’re the one that said, ‘Let’s go to sleep.’
Francine I did not say, ‘Let’s go to sleep.’ I said, ‘I feel so sleepy.’ Entirely different.
Massenay And look where it’s landed us. What am I going to do?
Francine You’re so selfish. You’re going to do? I’m at my wits’ end.
Massenay Well, so am I, twice over: once for you and once for me.
Francine What are we going
to do?
Massenay There’s one way. You’re supposed to be at your mother’s. Perhaps your husband hasn’t gone there yet. Hurry to her, tell her everything –
Francine What? Tell my mother I … ? Don’t be ridiculous.
Massenay Mothers are women. They must’ve all –
Francine How dare you? My mother – ?
Massenay I didn’t say she had. I didn’t say mothers have lovers. Ridiculous. I mean, mothers have friends who have … In any case, they understand. It’s what they’re there for. Tell her everything. She’ll send your husband a message: you’re not well, you had to stay the night, she insisted…
Francine The sky’s black, black, black!
Massenay It isn’t: look, dawn.
Francine A comb, quick. Give me a comb.
Massenay In here!
Francine If I get out of this, I’ll give up lovers for ever.
Massenay Me too! Oh, me too!
They jostle their way into the inner room and shut the door. Pause. Then we har a key in the lock, and the door opens to reveal Hubertin. He is completely drunk, his evening wear is slightly dishevelled and he is carrying a light-coloured overcoat, upside down so that the arms drag on the floor, and a pocket torch held the wrong way round so that it illuminates his stomach. (Feydeau’s note: It’s important that this is not a vulgar drunk-scene – Hubertin is a man of distinction, and his drunkenness is not so much a matter of falling down as of owlish overemphasis and exaggerated, clumsy care over his movements. The intoxication is mainly in his head: his eyelids droop, but his speech is finicky and self-aware rather than slurred.) He goes up to the bed as quietly as he can, trying to whistle gently to attract attention. The whistling takes all his attention before he finally gets it, more or less, right.
Hubertin Fweep! It’s all right. It’s me. Gaby, c’est moi. Dark in here. What’s wrong with this torch, shines backwards.
He looks·hard at the torch, gradually loses his balance and takes a step or two backwards.
See what it’s making me do.
He notices the audience, smiles at them confidentially.
I’m a lil bit … not a lot, just a lil bit…
He goes upstage a bit. He talks to himself, taking both parts.
What was I going to do? Hubertin, think. That’s it. The door. What about the door? Oh, shut it. Yes, shut it. I will.
He sashays towards the door, but loses his balance, steps backwards, round, back to the door, down again …
It’s the devil of a way…
He finally gets there, drapes himself against the door and shuts it.
Foof. No, just a minute. (To the door.) Don’t go away.
He fishes the key out of his pocket, tries several times to fit it into the lock.
This key keeps growing. The keyhole’s shrunk. (To the keyhole.) Behave yourself!
He succeeds in locking the door.
There we are. Much more comfy. Odd, isn’t it, when you’ve had a few, amazing things happen.
He has made his way to the chair where Massenay’s hat and coat and trousers are draped so that in the gloom they look like a person. He talks to them.
What? You agree. Good evening. Bonsoir. I mean, amazing … I live on the fifth floor, but I come up one flight and here I am. Can you explain it? I’ve had a skinful. Head heavy. Ow…
He palpates his head through his hat.
Much too heavy. Seems enormous…
He lifts off the hat, to reveal a table lighter perched on his head.
That’s better. No it isn’t. (Feeling it) It’s hard! It’s loose! It’s coming off!
He catches the lighter as it falls, and looks at it owlishly.
A lighter. How did that get there? Amazing things happen.
He goes to put the lighter on the table, sees Massenay’s clothes again.
See what I mean? Amazing. Been here long? (To the audience.) Sh! Shhhh! Can’t you see he’s sleeping? Dark in here. Where did I put my matches?
He starts trying to find the pockets of his coat. It’s still trailing on the floor, still upside down.
Someone’s stolen the sleeves. They’ve put in legs.
He walks it about on the sleeves, then bundles it up and throws it into a corner.
Thing is, I’m a lil bit … So go to bed. What? Go to bed. Don’t stand there saying you’re a lil bit … Who’s arguing? Who’s arguing?
He starts undressing.
Take your clothes off.
He sees Massenay’s clothes again.
No, there they are. So drunk you dint even notice. You undressed and you dint even notice. That’s right. So get into bed. Into bed? You’ll catch your death of cold. So I will. So get into bed. I’ll get into bed.
He gets into the bed, but in such a way that his head is below the pillows and his feet stick out at the bottom.
S’funny. I’ve got longer.
He dozes. Pause. Enter Francine, talking over her shoulder to Massenay.
Francine Well, I don’t know! Perhaps it’s on the bed somewhere.
She feels up and down the bed – and finds Hubertin.
Hubertin Gaby, no. I’ve got a headache.
Francine Émile! Émile!
Hubertin (sitting bolt upright) Gaby? Gaby?
Massenay (rushing in) Francine! Francine!
Francine There’s a man in the bed.
Hubertin There’s a man in my wife’s bedroom.
He jumps out of bed, rushes to Massenay’s clothes on the chair, and starts pulling them on over his own clothes.
Massenay Monsieur, who are you?
Hubertin (huge) I’m the husband.
Massenay Pardon?
Hubertin The husband! I’m the husband!
Massenay My trousers. What are you doing with my trousers?
He leaps at him. Francine restrains him.
Francine Émile!
Massenay (breaking free) Let me get at him.
Hubertin (over all this) Yours, are they? We’ll see about you.
He bundles them up and goes to the window.
Massenay (still struggling) Where are you going with those?
Hubertin (throwing open the· window) I’ll teach you to be my wife’s lover.
Massenay What’s he doing!
Hubertin (throwing the clothes out of the window) Ha-HAH!
Massenay (breaking fee and rushing to the window) No!
Francine Émile!
Massenay He’s thrown my clothes into the street.
Hubertin (turning from the window, with immense dignity) Now, sir, begone.
Massenay You’re mad.
Francine A madman! Help!
Massenay Stop shouting. You’ll wake the whole building.
Francine Please. Let’s do what he says. Let’s go.
Massenay Dressed like this?
Hubertin Sirrah, I’m waiting.
Massenay Wait all you like. I’m not leaving.
Francine Please!
Massenay The speaking tube. Call the concierge.
Francine Oh. Yes.
She rushes for the speaking tube and starts frantically blowing the whistle. Massenay advances on Hubertin.
Massenay Now for you.
He rolls up his sleeves. Hubertin ignores him, goes to Francine.
Hubertin Gaby …
Francine Émile! He’s attacking me.
Massenay Never fear! I’m here!
He hurls himself between them, knocking Hubertin off balance.
Hubertin Ho-HO!
Massenay I’m not scared of you.
Francine Why doesn’t the concierge answer?
She whistles even more frantically. Massenay advances on Hubertin, pointing dramatically at the door.
Massenay Out! Now!
Hubertin just looks at him.
Massenay Like that, is it? Shift yourself!
Hubertin stays where he is.
Massenay Right.
He tries to push him. A man pushing against an oak tree.
<
br /> Hubertin doesn’t budge. Massenay leans into his work. Then stops, panting.
Massenay This is a heavy one.
Francine Get on with it.
Massenay (furiously) Don’t tell me, tell him!
The struggle begins again. Same result. To Hubertin:
Massenay You’re doing this on purpose.
He is bending down, putting all his effort into pushing, like a man trying to budge a train. Hubertin looks down, amused, then bends with drunken dignity and kisses the back of his had.
Massenay Stop that!
Another kiss.
Don’t keep doing that.
Francine Stop playing silly games and throw him out.
Hubertin has begun remorselessly to move forwards.
Massenay, still bent double and heaving mightily, is carried backwards by the sheer bulk of Hubertin, until he is hard up against the end of the bed.
Massenay I’m doing the best I can.
Hubertin puts his arms round his thighs, picks him up like a parcel and throws him on the bed.
Massenay Hey!
Francine Oh my God.
She rushes to the figure in the bed.
Is that him?
Massenay (struggling to get up) No, it’s me.
He jumps off the bed and advances like a boxer on the mountainous, motionless Hubertin.
Massenay This’ll shift him.
He throws a punch. Hubertin parries, as calmly as a boxing Buddha. Massenay tries another punch, with the same result. He pummels, to no effect. Then Hubertin, slowly, calmly, bops him and sends him spinning across the room.
Massenay Ow-ooh!
Francine Now what are you playing at?
Massenay This! Can’t you see? I’m playing at this!
Fetch a candle. How can I see to hit him, unless you fetch a candle?
Francine Where are they?
Massenay I don’t know. Find one!
Francine In the inner-room cabinet!
She hurries into the inner room. Hubertin stands there, a delighted child.
Hubertin When it comes, are we going to fight again?
Massenay You wait! You just wait! You’ll see!
Hubertin I’ll like that.
Enter Francine with a candle. She passes Hubertin, and the flame lights up his face.
Francine My God, it’s Hubertin.
Massenay What’s Hubertin?
Francine He’s a friend of my husband.
Massenay He’s a warthog.
Hubertin (who has been looking round) Oops.