Plays 2 Page 13
Petypon How far d’you usually go?
Mongicourt Don’t be ridiculous.
Petypon Good job you’re not superstitious.
Mongicourt What?
Petypon It’s uncanny. France is hardly small. Paris is here … Touraine’s here … The middle of nowhere … You go all the way to the depths of nowhere, at the very moment there’s a slap in the face flying about. Probably not meant for you at all. Some people are just unlucky. I mean, if you’d stayed at home …
Mongicourt Have you quite finished?
Petypon Now you want to betray your best friend. And all to avoid a little bit of fencing.
Mongicourt I hate fencing.
Petypon You’re afraid he’ll hit you. That’s typical. If you thought you’d hit him, wild horses wouldn’t stop you.
Mongicourt I don’t believe this.
Petypon Trust me. They wouldn’t.
Mongicourt Phooey.
Petypon Just because it’s your skin that might get a hole in it. You’re supposed to be my friend. There’s nothing more to say. In fact, don’t say anything to anyone.
Mongicourt We’ll see about that.
Petypon (suddenly) Shut up!
Mongicourt Now what?
General (off) My nephew’s at home, is he? At the double, man!
Petypon It’s him. Hide. It’s him.
Mongicourt I’ll tell him.
Petypon No, I will. Hide. I’ll tell him.
Mongicourt You promise you’ll fix it?
Petypon Trust me. Come on.
They both go into the bedroom. Étienne shows in the General and Shrimp. The General carries duelling swords in a case.
General Thank you. Now tell Doctor Petypon I’m here.
Étienne And Madame?
General Don’t mention Madame. Just tell him the General’s here.
Étienne (glancing at the sword-case) There’ll be tears before bedtime.
Exit.
General Trust me. Know the fellah. Sort it out.
Shrimp He’ll throw me out.
General Tell you what: I’ll have a word before he sees you. Go in there. Time comes, I’ll call you.
Shrimp Thanks, Uncle Charles.
Exit into another room.
General Big surprise in store.
Knock at Gabriell’s door, off.
Come in.
Gabrielle half opens the door and puts her head through.
Gabrielle Have you finished your private talk?
General (aside) Good Gad, her again.
Gabrielle (aside) The General.
General (aside) Why is she always here?
Enter Gabrielle.
Gabrielle My dear Uncle Charles –
General Oh, no. Don’t start. After last time.
Gabrielle Uncle Charles, it’s not important.
General Have you no idea of the effect you have on people?
Gabrielle Uncle Charles, of course I do.
General And no more ‘Uncle Charles’. From now on, Mon général.
Gabrielle You don’t want me to be your niece any more?
General No, I don’t. Once, might have considered it. But now: never.
Gabrielle If you only knew how sorry I am.
General About time, too.
Gabrielle I was upset. All those ghosts.
General Don’t start again.
Gabrielle I’m not starting again.
General Look, bit of advice. Next time you see a ghost, pick up great big stick and thrash the fellow. Soon see the back of it. Nuff said.
Gabrielle Don’t mock the other side.
General Other side, cha! You see things, and when you see things, you do things, and then you’re sorry.
Gabrielle Oh, I am. I said I am.
Pause. The General softens.
General All right. No offence taken. Nuff said.
Gabrielle Thank you.
General One condition, mind. Husband has to be sorry too. Own lips: has to say he’s sorry.
Gabrielle Don’t worry, he will, he will.
General I slapped his face, doncha know. Your husband.
Gabrielle He didn’t mention that.
General Hardly something to boast of. Haarumph. Nothin’ against the fellow …
Enter Petypon.
Petypon Uncle Charles. (Aside.) Blast. Gabrielle.
General Come on, come on. Been keeping me waiting.
Gabrielle Lucien, darling, I’ve apologised to Uncle Charles. He’s forgiven me.
Petypon Oh yes?
General Har, husband has to say sorry too.
Petypon No question.
General What say? His business, ain’t it?
Petypon Gabrielle, d’you mind if I have a word with Uncle Charles in private?
Gabrielle No, no … (As she goes.) You never said he slapped you.
Petypon Pardon? When?
Gabrielle He’s just told me so himself.
Petypon You mean, when I was little.
Gabrielle No, yesterday.
Petypon What? Yesterday? The merest tap.
Gabrielle Ah.
Petypon I mean, he is my uncle.
Gabrielle H’m.
Petypon Come on, come on.
He shuts the door behind her. The General has been watching, in some amusement.
General I don’t believe it. Not possible. You’re in love with her.
Petypon Me? Her? Why?
General Good heavens, man, every time I come I find her here. You know, if she was a little less … ugly, she wouldn’t be too bad.
Petypon (not liking this) Uncle Charles.
General Never mind. Lucien, come to talk to you of reconciliation.
Petypon Pardon?
General Nothin’ between your wife and Corignon.
Petypon (feigning doubt) I’m not so sure.
General I am. Certain. So, come to tell you: forgive and forget.
Petypon Aha. Uncle Charles, I agree with you entirely. So much so, I wrote this morning telling you I’d forgiven my wife, and we were leaving for Baden Baden this very evening.
General I say. Good news. Just a moment …
He goes to the curtains of the bedroom.
Petypon Now what?
General Won’t be a moment.
Exit.
Petypon Thank God I’ve got my health and strength.
Enter General, ushering in Shrimp.
General This way, my dear. Don’t be afraid.
Petypon Argh!
General Throw yourself into your husband’s arms. He forgives you.
Shrimp (going to embrace Petypon) Lucien!
Petypon Not again. I never want to see her again. Take her away.
General What’re you talkin’ about?
Petypon Take her away. Away!
General You gone raving mad?
Shrimp Ah well, if that’s how you feel … I did it to please the General. But now I’ve had it up to here. You can keep your old bag, and bloody good luck to the pair of you.
General Good Gad.
Petypon Good grief.
Shrimp Goodbye.
She makes to exit, but the General stops her.
General No, child. Heaven’s name. You’ll be sorry later.
Shrimp I fall over backwards to save his precious skin.
Petypon Shhh, shhhh.
Shrimp Never mind ‘Shhh, shhhh’.
General My child …
Shrimp Count yourself lucky I’m respectable. Cause if I wasn’t …
General Look, I say, go back in there a moment, d’you mind?
Shrimp Course I mind. I’m sick of going back in there.
General Time comes, I’ll call you.
Shrimp Oh, all right. Just for you. I dunno. Why do people drink when they don’t know what they’re doing?
Exit.
General What’s the matter with you? Damn fool. Are you crazy or something? One minute you’ve forgiven her, on your way to Baden Baden. Then this.
Petypon I’m sorry, Uncle Charles. After all that’s happened. It just came over me.
General All that’s happened? Nothing’s happened.
Petypon You’re absolutely right. Call her in, let’s get it over and done with.
General Funny way of putting it.
Petypon Oh, entirely.
General Well, then …
He makes to fetch Shrimp, but Petypon pulls him hack.
General What’s the matter now? Let go, damn it. What’re you playin’ at?
Petypon Nothing.
General Damn fool way of goin’ on.
Petypon You don’t …
General Damn lucky you’ve got me to sort things out.
Étienne appears at the door.
Étienne Monsieur, those two gentlemen are here again.
Petypon Which two?
Étienne Lieutenant Marollier, Monsieur Varlin. Something to do with Captain Corignon.
General Aha.
Petypon What?
General I know all about it.
Petypon All about what?
General Your duel.
Petypon What duel?
General With Corignon. Told him you’d challenged him.
Petypon I’ve done nothing of the kind.
General (to Étienne) Ask ’em to wait. In the waiting-room. No, just a minute. That woman’s in there. In the dining-room.
Petypon Oh boy. Oh boy.
General (to Étienne) Er … and tell Madame Petypon … (Repeating the name with emphasis.) Tell Madame Petypon that the General would like to see her in Doctor Petypon’s examination room.
Petypon You can’t do that.
General Do what I damn well please. (To Étienne.) Well? At the double.
Étienne Oh, yes.
Exit.
Petypon That’s the giddy limit.
General (picking up a sword) Soon get this sorted.
Petypon (trying to dodge the sword-point) Pardon? Ow.
General Careful, can’t you? Get yourself killed before you start. That’s his job.
Petypon Look, Uncle Charles, it’s nothing to fight about.
General (feinting and parrying with the sword) Nothin’ to fight about? Bounder needs a lesson. Superior officer: can’t fight him. But you can. Injured husband, you can.
Petypon Why does everybody keep trying to make me fight?
Mongicourt sticks his head in.
Mongicourt Lucien.
Petypon (rushing to him, hissing aside) I’m dealing with it. Get back in, I’m dealing with it.
Mongicourt Get a move on.
Petypon Get in. I’ll tell you when.
He pushes him in, as the General turns.
General Who was that?
Petypon No one. A patient … getting impatient. He can wait. It’s a waiting-room.
Gabrielle (off) In my husband’s examination room? Thank you, Étienne.
General Someone’s coming. Your wife. Now, none of that like last time.
Petypon (aside, as Gabrielle enters) I knew this would happen.
General Madwoman again.
Gabrielle Uncle Charles, you wanted to see me?
General Quite the opposite.
Petypon That’s right, the opposite. Go away. I mean, please. Darling …
General (aside) Now he calls her darlin’?
Gabrielle Étienne said Uncle Charles wanted to see me in your examination room.
General Course I didn’t. Fellow’s a fool.
He sits in the Ecstatic Chair.
Me, want to see Madame Mongi –
Petypon (seeing him in the chair) Aha.
Gabrielle What’s he saying?
General – court. I told him to fetch Madame Pety –
He is rooted, as Petypon pulls the handle.
Petypon Phew.
Gabrielle What’s happened?
She rushes to him.
Petypon What d’you mean?
She touches the General and freezes also.
Gabrielle Eek.
Pause.
Petypon I said, what d’you mean? Gabrielle! What are you doing?
He rushs forward, seizes her arm and freezes. Pause. Étienne appears at the door.
Étienne Lieutenant Marollier.
He waits three or four seconds for a response, then looks with astonishment at the group.
What are they doing? Monsieur … Madame … Oh!
Shock; ecstasy. He has touched Gabrielle and is frozen. Pause. Enter Marollier.
Marollier It’s ridiculous, standing around in the hall. This isn’t a dentist’s. Good lord, there’s someone here. I say, the General.
He salutes, talking to him.
Sir, frightfully sorry. Coming to see my uncle. Floor above. Wrong apartment. Sorry, I … Pardon? Sorry. Thought you said something, sir.
Pause. He goes closer.
What’s wrong with them all? Statues. My God, they’ve turned to stone.
He runs to the door, shouting:
Help. Police. Help. Catastrophe. Police. Help.
Enter Mongicourt.
Mongicourt What’s the matter? What on earth’s the matter?
Marollier I don’t know. Look at them.
He seizes Gabrielle’s arm, and freezes.
Mongicourt Good heavens, they forgot to put the gloves on. If only I’d a camera.
He pulls· the release handle.
Come on. Upsy-daisy.
They jerk awake at the same instant, each one in ecstasy. The following five speeches are spoken and performed simultaneously:
Petypon (dancing and singing) London bridge is falling down.
Marollier My beloved is mine, tralala.
General Allons, enfants de la patrie …
Gabrielle (to Étienne, embracing) My dearest love, come to my arms.
Étienne (to Gabrielle, embracing) My dearest love, come to my arms.
All at once, they awake fully. The following four speeches are spoken simultaneously:
Petypon (aside) What happened?
Gabrielle (aside, in Étienne’s arms) Where am I?
Marollier (aside) I’m going crazy.
General (aside) What’s goin’ on?
Suddenly, they see each other.
All Aargh!
Étienne, still under the influence, is still holding Gabrielle.
Étienne My dearest love, my sweet …
He kisses her.
Gabrielle Étienne, what are you doing?
Étienne My God, it’s a woman! My God, it’s Madame!
He rushes for the door, pursued by Gabrielle.
Marollier The General hasn’t seen me. Get out of here …
He pushes past Gabrielle and escapes.
Gabrielle Oh, the brute.
Mongicourt (to Petypon) Well, Lucien.
Petypon How did he get here?
Mongicourt Never mind. The General’s here. (To the General.) Generad …
Petypon Later. Not now.
General (coldly) Nothin’ to say to you, sir. Seconds callin’, say everythin’.
Mongicourt This is ridiculous.
Petypon No, it isn’t. He’s right.
General Lucien, wait here. Let me fetch your wife.
Petypon (trying to cover his utterance of ‘wife’) Yes, yes. Go, go. Ha, ha.
General Back in a moment.
Exit. Gabrielle goes to Petypon.
Gabrielle Who did he say he was fetching?
Petypon Not who, what. His pipe, his pipe.
Gabrielle He distinctly said ‘your wife’.
Petypon That’s right. Yoorwife. It’s an African pipe. Yoorwife.
Gabrielle Oh, really?
Petypon You say: ‘I’m just going to light up my yoorwife.’
He tries to hustle them off.
Come on, through here … this way … this way.
Mongicourt (resisting) You haven’t told him yet.
Petypon You can’t rush into these things.
G
eneral (off) I promise he won’t this time.
Petypon (aside) Ye gods. (Pushing the others out.) This way. Come on. This way.
The following three speeches are spoken simultaneously:
Gabrielle Why? Why?
Mongicourt No. No.
Petypon Go. Go.
The General appears at the curtain.
General Lucien …
Petypon Just a minute. (To the others.) Get on with you.
They all three disappear through the door, which closes.
General Now what? We come in, he rushes out.
He ushers in Shrimp.
General Come in, my child, come in. Promise he’ll be kind. Affectionate. Back to normal.
Shrimp Oh, Uncle Charles, if it weren’t for you …
The General hugs her affectionately.
General Now, now, no sentiment. Haarumph.
Shrimp You’re so kind … you always understand …
General What? Hey? Har. Oh, the devil! Give your old uncle a kiss.
Shrimp Oh yes, Uncle Charles.
She kisses him.
General (overcome) Oh, by Jove. By Jove, by Jove. By Jove, by Jove, by Jove. If only you weren’t … if I wasn’t … Oh, by Jove, by Jove, by Jove.
Shrimp That was fun.
General Oh, yes. If only … By Jove, by Jove.
Shrimp I’ve always wanted a man like you. A man who really understands.
General What was that? He doesn’t understand? I say!
Shrimp I’m nothing to him.
General I say! Another woman, is there?
Shrimp I don’t want to talk about it.
General I say, I say. No wonder you lost your head.
Shrimp If I’d realised what it would lead to …
General Poor innocent child. (Taking her in his arms again.) Happy homes. Broken up. Husband’s heardessness. Happens all the time.
He kisses her.
Shrimp Oh, Uncle Charles.
She kisses him.
General I say, by Jove, I say …
He breaks free reluctantly.
If only you weren’t … Poor, dear child. Husband indifferent, another man’s arms … I say, I say …
He kisses her.
We can’t have that. (Kiss.) No, no, no, no, no, no. (Kiss.) This is what we’ll do …
He leads her to the Ecstatic Chair.
Sit down here, will you?
She sits.
I’ll talk to him. See what happens. If only you were … Thunder and lightnin’!
With this last, he thumps the back of the chair, and Shrimp is transfixed. The General doesn’t notice, goes to the door, turns.
General Don’t move.
Exit. Pause. Enter Étienne.
Étienne His Grace the Duke of Valmonté.
He shows in the Duke, and exit. The Duke has a new bouquet.
Duke I hope I’ll have more luck this time. It’s bafflin’. She asked me to come, and when I do she refuses to see me. Absolutely bafflin’.