Plays 2 Page 12

  Petypon (taking the letter) With pleasure.

  Corignon Dashed good of you.

  Enter Shrimp, dressed for travel, with a veil over her face.

  Corignon Ah, there you are. Let’s go.

  Shrimp (aside) My God, it’s ’im!

  She bends double, tottering like an old lady, taking Corignon’s arm.

  Shrimp Good afternoon, young man.

  Petypon (bowing) Good afternoon, Madame. (Aside, as they leave.) What a charming old lady. His grandmother, I expect.

  Exeunt Shrimp and Corignon.

  Petypon How odd, sending the General a letter when he’s staying in the same house. Army stuff, top secret, that’ll be it.

  Enter the General.

  General Dashed odd. You see Corignon? Fellow’s disappeared.

  Petypon Ah, ha! Uncle Charles, this letter, top secret, nod and wink, nuff said, eh what?

  He hands over the letter and steps out of range as the General unseals it.

  General For me? Well, if you say so. (He glances through it.) Good Gad!

  Petypon Gad?

  General Confound the fellow.

  Petypon What’s the matter?

  The General loses control. (Feydeau’s note: from here until the end of the act, he plays in a towering rage, at the top of his lungs.)

  General The bounder. Elopes with his mistress, sends a note to tell me. On his wedding day. Thunder and lightning. Who does he think he is? My godson? Stuff and nonsense. Émile!

  Émile (hurrying in) Yes, sir?

  General Captain Corignon. Have you seen the fellow?

  Émile Yes, sir, just now, getting into a carriage with Madame Petypon.

  Petypon What was that?

  General What did you say? Madame Petypon? You sure it was Corignon? Oh, never mind. Get out.

  Exit Émile. The General goes to shout at Petypon.

  General Did you hear that? He’s eloped with your wife.

  Petypon (airily) If you say so.

  General If I say so? Is that all you can say? Not up to me to say so. Up to you. Dash it, no cuckolds in this family. And you’re not going to be the first. Stuff and nonsense. If I say so. Émile.

  Enter Émile.

  Émile Yes, sir?

  General Quick. Pack bags. Mine, Doctor Petypon’s. Bring ’em. Now.

  He turns him on his heel and shoos him out.

  Émile (as he escapes) Yes, sir.

  Petypon What are you doing?

  General What am I doing?

  He grabs his lapels and shakes him.

  D’you think I’m letting them get away? D’you think we’re not going after them? Wait here. Don’t move. I’ll see if I can catch them. If I can’t, you’re coming with me.

  He makes for the door, meets Gabrielle. She is terrified.

  Gabrielle Oh! General.

  General (without stopping) You leave me alone. No time for madwomen now.

  Exit

  Gabrielle Lucien.

  Petypon You again.

  Gabrielle Thank God you’re here.

  Petypon I’ll explain later.

  Gabrielle Lucien, don’t leave me. The house is haunted.

  Petypon (pushing her towards an exit) Yes, yes, all right. We’ll be going in a minute. Calm yourself. Go on ahead, I won’t be a minute.

  The General returns.

  Petypon Oh my God.

  General Too late, they’ve gone. Lucien, your wife’s a trollop.

  Gabrielle I beg your pardon?

  She goes to the General, turns him to face her and gives him a resounding slap.

  Gabrielle There.

  General Thunder and lightning.

  Petypon Ow.

  Gabrielle Trollop indeed!

  Exit, furiously.

  General D’you know, that’s the first time in my life a woman’s ever done that to me. For no reason at all, at least.

  Enter Mongicourt.

  Mongicourt Ah, there you are, General.

  General Yes, here I am. And you’re responsible for the behaviour of your wife. You are? In that case, here!

  He slaps him.

  Mongicourt Ow.

  General I expect you’ll want satisfaction. Well, at your service. (To Petypon.) Gome on, Lucien, we’ll catch ’em yet.

  Exit.

  Petypon I’m done for. Done for. Done for.

  Exit.

  Curtain.

  Act Three

  Scene as for Act One. Enter Gabrielle in travelling clothes, followed by Étienne, who is carrying her bag.

  Gabrielle My husband isn’t here?

  Étienne He was, Madame, but he went out again. Just a moment ago. With his hat on.

  Gabrielle He might at least have waited.

  Doorbell, off.

  That’s probably him now.

  Étienne I’ll see, Madame.

  Exit, leaving the door open.

  Gabrielle What’s he doing? Doesn’t he care any more? He was there. He saw what happened. He could have raged, fumed, demanded satisfaction. Instead, he leaves me standing and goes off with the General on the earliest train.

  Enter Étienne.

  Gabrielle Was it my husband?

  Étienne No, Madame. A young man who –

  Gabrielle Oh, see what he wants. Unless it’s urgent, I’m not at home.

  Étienne Yes, Madame.

  Exit. Gabrielle goes towards her room.

  Gabrielle Visitors, now! The last thing I want.

  Exit into her room. At the same moment, Étienne and the Duke enter by the main door. The Duke is bright and eager, with a bunch of flowers. Étienne is vainly trying to keep him from coming in.

  Étienne I’m sorry, Monsieur. Madame’s only just arrived. She’s exhausted. Unless it’s really urgent –

  Duke Of course it’s urgent. Tell her I’m here: the Duke of Valmonté.

  Étienne The Duke of …?

  Duke Valmonté.

  Étienne (impressed) Ooh. I say.

  Duke What did you say?

  Étienne Nothing.

  Duke Madame’s expecting me.

  Étienne Oh, no, Monsieur.

  Duke I’m sorry?

  Étienne She’s expecting no one. She said so.

  Duke Exactly. (Patiently.) No one. That means me.

  Étienne I don’t understand.

  The Duke gives him money.

  Duke There.

  Étienne Now I understand. I’ll tell her no one’s here.

  Exit.

  Duke That’s the way to do it.

  He walks about a bit, and admires himself in a hand-mirror.

  H’m. Not bad. Pretty good, in fact. Oh, another spot. How did that get there?

  He hears voices off, hurriedly puts the mirror away and picks up the bouquet.

  Be masterful!

  Gabrielle (off) I thought I told you to say I was out.

  Duke (in eager anticipation) Rrrrr … (As Gabrielle comes in with Étienne.) Rats! It’s the other one.

  Étienne He did say it was urgent, Madame.

  Exit. Gabrielle recognises the Duke.

  Gabrielle Good heavens!

  Duke (frostily) Madame.

  Gabrielle The Duke of Valmonté?

  Duke Madame, in person.

  Gabrielle Oh good. Yes. Good.

  They sit, nonplussed with each other.

  You were at the reception.

  Duke Was I? Oh yes, I was. So were you. Er … I hope Madame Petypon is well.

  Gabrielle Very well, thank you. A little tired by the journey. Unpacking. Well.

  Duke (gazing at her closed door) How irritating.

  Gabrielle (aside) What’s he looking at?

  Duke Er … she really is all right?

  Gabrielle Who is?

  Duke Madame Petypon.

  Gabrielle Ah. (Aside.) How annoying to be talked about as if I wasn’t there. (Aloud.) Of course. Thank you for asking.

  Duke How kind.

  Gabrielle (after another embarrassed silence
) I’m sorry, Monsieur. I really am rather busy.

  Duke You carry on, Madame. Don’t mind me. Carry on, do please.

  He turns and ignores her completely.

  Gabrielle No, I mean … I didn’t … I can only spare a few moments.

  Duke (coldly) Kind, I’m sure. One mustn’t waste one’s time.

  Gabrielle I couldn’t have put it better.

  Duke Exacdy. (After another awkward silence.) Charming reception, hey?

  Gabrielle Oh, charming.

  Duke Delightful place, Touraine.

  Gabrielle Delightful. Yes.

  Duke The garden of la France.

  Gabrielle Is it?

  Duke Oh yes. (Aside.) I hope she’s enjoying this. (To her, holding out his bouquet.) Excuse me, Madame.

  Gabrielle (thinking he is offering her flowers) Oh, thank you.

  He snatches them back.

  Duke No.

  Gabrielle What d’you mean?

  Duke I was gesturing.

  He gestures.

  Gabrielle Ah.

  Duke Does it take long, unpacking?

  Gabrielle (losing her temper) I’ve no idea. It depends. When you’re not interrupted. I’m sorry, Monsieur, but I can’t believe you came here simply to talk about unpacking.

  Duke Naturally I didn’t.

  Gabrielle Étienne said it was urgent.

  Duke It is.

  Gabrielle Well, what is it?

  Duke I can’t tell you.

  Gabrielle What?

  Duke No, no, I’m sorry. We’ll talk about anything else, but it’s no use expecting me to tell you what I came for.

  Gabrielle I see. (Aside.) A lunatic. (Aloud, humouring him.) But in that case, Monsieur … why are you here?

  Duke That, Madame, is my business.

  Gabrielle Oh.

  Duke It’s getting late. Madame Petypon is obviously busy. I’d hate to disturb her. I’ll come again some other time.

  Gabrielle Really?

  Duke Goodbye, Madame. Till another time. (Aside.) What a peculiar woman.

  Exit.

  Gabrielle What was all that about? He comes to tell me, urgendy, that Touraine is the garden of la France. A lunatic. Raving.

  Petypon hurries in from his own room.

  Petypon Who was that at the door just now?

  Gabrielle Lucien.

  Petypon When did you arrive?

  Gabrielle Ten minutes ago. Étienne said you’d gone out.

  Petypon Well, I hadn’t. Just to post a letter. (Frostily.) Aren’t you ashamed of yourself?

  Gabrielle Why should I be ashamed?

  Petypon For what you did to Uncle Charles.

  Gabrielle Me, ashamed?

  Petypon Slapping your own uncle. Even if it is by marriage.

  Gabrielle You wanted me to let him insult me?

  Petypon It was an accident.

  Gabrielle He was paying me a compliment?

  Petypon What did he call you?

  Gabrielle Never mind what he called me. And what about Édouard? What had he done? You should’ve seen him on the train home. He was fuming, absolutely fuming. I suppose the General meant his slap to be a compliment?

  Petypon Of course he didn’t. It’s human nature, when someone slaps you, to want to slap someone back. It’s natural.

  Gabrielle You were there. He could have slapped you.

  Petypon Why me?

  Gabrielle Well, obviously: Édouard’s not my husband, you’re my husband, so you get slapped.

  Petypon Thanks. I suppose I should have offered him my cheek.

  Gabrielle I wish I’d never gone there. All that way, just to be called a … well, called a …

  Petypon What made you think it was you he meant? You’re not the only Madame Petypon.

  Gabrielle Which other one was it, then?

  Petypon How on earth should I know?

  Gabrielle Unless …

  Petypon What?

  Gabrielle Unless he meant your aunt. He can’t have been calling her a …

  Petypon Of course he could. (Aside, eyes to heaven.) Sorry, Auntie!

  Gabrielle She was charming. (Pause.) I mean, I did find her a little odd.

  Petypon You’ve never met her.

  Gabrielle Of course I’ve met her.

  Petypon When?

  Gabrielle Yesterday.

  Petypon What?

  Gabrielle The General introduced us.

  Petypon He intro … (Aside, trying to work it out.) I don’t follow this at all. She saw Auntie. Auntie died eight years ago. And the General introduced them. (To her.) Are you sure he …

  Enter Étienne, carrying the Duke’s flowers and a note.

  Étienne A letter and some flowers, Madame.

  Gabrielle For me?

  Petypon It’s your birthday?

  Gabrielle I don’t think so.

  Étienne It was the young man who was here just now. No one. He asked me to give these flowers to Madame Petypon in person. And the note.

  Gabrielle What is it he wants?

  Petypon Who is he?

  Gabrielle Some lunatic.

  Étienne The Duke of Valmonté.

  Petypon turns sharply, slapping him win the flowers.

  Petypon Good God.

  Étienne That hurt.

  Petypon shoos him out, bundling the flowers into his arms.

  Petypon Get out. Go, now. Go.

  Étienne (huffily) I’ll put these in water.

  Exit with the flowers. Petypon tries to get to the note first, but Gabrielle has already opened it.

  Petypon I’ll read that.

  Gabrielle No, I will.

  Petypon Now we’re in trouble.

  Gabrielle Oh.

  Petypon What’s the matter?

  Gabrielle He is a lunatic. Look what he’s written.

  Petypon Tell me.

  Gabrielle (reading) ‘Dearest Madame, since your sorceress’ voice enthralled my listening ears with those words of love, my heart thinks of naught but you.’

  Petypon I say.

  Gabrielle A love letter. To me. What does he want? (Reading.) ‘Alack and alas! Why must shyness paralyse my tongue? It’s not as if you didn’t encourage me.’

  Petypon (snatching the letter) Let me see that.

  Gabrielle I’ve hardly met him.

  Petypon (reading) ‘I write to you to burn my boats. I’ll return in a trice, and when I do, you’ll find eloquence in my heart to match your passion for me. I kiss you, kiss you, kiss you …’ (Scandalised.) I say.

  Gabrielle Who does he think I am?

  Petypon (melodramatically) Really, Gabrielle. At your age.

  Gabrielle What did you say?

  Petypon Turning the head of a boy like Valmonté. I’m ashamed of you.

  Gabrielle I only said two sentences to him at Uncle Charles’. ‘The General’s not here? I’ll see if they’ve taken up my luggage.’ I can’t see how that …

  Petypon It’s the way you say these things. Did you encourage him at all? (Seductively.) ‘I’ll see …’ (Wink.) ‘… if they’ve taken up my luggage.’ You can do anything with the way you say things.

  Gabrielle But I didn’t.

  Petypon You can tell me. No smoke without fire.

  Gabrielle I’m a non-smoker.

  Petypon (with a gesture) That’s as maybe. Haarumph! I won’t have it, d’you hear? I’m putting my foot down. I forbid you to see him, ever again. When he comes again, I insist that you see him and tell him you won’t be seeing him.

  Gabrielle I won’t be seeing him.

  Petypon So I should think. Er, not. Haarumph. (Aside.) I think that was masterful enough.

  Enter Étienne.

  Étienne Doctor Mongicourt.

  Petypon Here we go again.

  Enter Mongicourt. He’s not pleased.

  Mongicourt Lucien, about time too.

  Petypon What’s the matter now? Just a moment. (To Gabrielle, sweetly.) Darling, excuse us, would you? A professional consultation �
�

  Gabrielle Darling, of course. (To Mongicourt.) Édouard, I’ll talk to you later.

  Mongicourt (furiously) You most certainly will.

  Exit Gabrielle. Petypon escorts her to the door, all smiles, then closes it and rounds on Mongicourt.

  Petypon What are you playing at?

  Mongicourt Me, playing at? He’s your general. Have you forgotten what he did to me?

  Petypon Oh, that.

  Mongicourt ‘Oh, that’? ‘Oh, that’? He slapped me across the face. For nothing. Twice.

  Petypon No, once. You do exaggerate.

  Mongicourt I do not exaggerate.

  Petypon Of course you do.

  Mongicourt What does it matter how many times? D’you think I’m taking it lying down?

  Petypon Oh, not a duel …

  Mongicourt Of course a duel.

  Petypon Oh, God.

  Mongicourt What’s that supposed to mean, ‘Oh, dear’?

  Petypon Not ‘Oh, God’, ‘Oh, God’. I mean, he’s my uncle. I can hardly … I can’t be your second.

  Mongicourt I don’t want you to be my second.

  Petypon You can’t fight without a second.

  Mongicourt Who said I was going to fight?

  Petypon How can you have a duel without fighting?

  Mongicourt I’m not having a duel. You are.

  Petypon You want me to fight the General?

  Mongicourt Naturally.

  Petypon Because he slapped you?

  Mongicourt She’s your wife.

  Petypon But he thinks she’s yours.

  Mongicourt And I’m fed up with it. I’m going to find him and tell him the truth.

  Petypon Thanks. Just what I need.

  Mongicourt Pardon?

  Petypon Just when I’m almost out of it. Just when there’s been no trouble so far.

  Mongicourt You think there’s been no trouble so far?

  Petypon No trouble for me. Gabrielle suspects nothing. The General’s happy. I’ve just written him a letter saying I’ve forgiven my wife, and we’re off to Baden Baden this evening.

  Mongicourt Pardon?

  Petypon Baden. Baden Baden. We’re going to get a telegram.

  Mongicourt How d’you know you’re going to get a telegram?

  Petypon I wrote it.

  Mongicourt What?

  Petypon You have to make these things convincing.

  Mongicourt I don’t believe this.

  Petypon Baden Baden. And you want to spoil it by blurting out the truth.

  Mongicourt I’m to put this slap in my pocket and forget about it?

  Petypon If you’d be so kind.

  Mongicourt I go all the way to Touraine for a slap in the face.