Plays 2 Page 14
Suddenly he sees the ecstatic Shrimp.
Duke Ooh! There she is. You were there all the time. I was afraid you’d refuse to see me. You’ve no idea how happy you’ve made me. Thought of nothing but you since the minute I saw you. Told Mama I was coming to see you. She told me to give you her regards. ‘Give the gel my regards,’ just like that. What’s the matter? What are you looking at? What’s she looking at? Madame … It’s a game. I warn you, Madame … if this is a game, two can play at it. Madame, I may kiss you. Oh, you can smile. Not joking. Masterful. Games of my own. Count to three. One … two … You still won’t answer? Fine then, coming, ready or not. Three!
He kisses her and freezes in situ. The door is opened.
General (off) In here, Lucien. Dammit, in here. (As he enters, backwards, beckoning Petypon.) See sort of wife you married. Picture of innocence … picture of …
He turns and sees the couple.
Oh.
Petypon Who started the chair?
General What the devil now?
Petypon It’s nothing. Watch.
He pulls the release lever. The Duke and Shrimp awake.
They kiss.
General (loudly) WHAT IS GOIN’ ON?
They separate in embarrassment.
Duke I say.
Shrimp Now what’s happening?
Duke The General!
He rushes into the bedroom.
General Where did he spring from?
Shrimp What happened?
Petypon Nothing. It’s the chair. When the handle’s down and you sit in it, you go to sleep.
General You don’t say. Everyone?
Petypon Everyone.
General Heh. I wouldn’t.
Petypon You would.
General Well, some other time. Children, brought you together again. As you oughter be. No explanations. No recriminations. Kiss and make up.
Petypon (aside) There’s nothing for it. (Aloud.) Oh darling, come to my loving arms.
General (pushing Shrimp) Go on. Lovin’ arms.
Shrimp (exaggerating) Lu … cien.
She holds out her arms to him, huge. Enter Gabrielle.
Gabrielle Oh.
Petypon (aside) My God, my wife.
General (aside) The madwoman.
But Gabrielle goes to Shrimp, arms outstretched.
Gabrielle How kind of you to call.
Petypon (aside) Eh?
Shrimp Yes, er, dearie.
Gabrielle I’m so happy to see you.
Petypon (aside) She’s happy?
Gabrielle kisses Shrimp.
Gabrielle Auntie.
Petypon (aside) What was that?
Gabrielle Dear, dear Auntie.
General Completely potty.
Gabrielle What a lovely surprise. (To Petypon.) It’s Auntie. (To Shrimp.) We must talk about what happened in Touraine.
Shrimp Ah.
Petypon We mustn’t. No, we mustn’t.
Gabrielle Auntie’ll want to know.
Petypon She won’t. And I certainly don’t.
Gabrielle Oh, don’t be so grumpy. (To Shrimp.) Come into my room. We won’t disturb him there.
Petypon bounds to stop them leaving.
Petypon You can’t!
Gabrielle Of course we can. You stay with Uncle Charles, I’ll talk to Auntie. What’s wrong with that? (Eagerly.) This way, Auntie. I’ve so much to tell you.
Petypon Wait a minute.
Shrimp I have to talk to my niece.
Exeunt.
Petypon I’ve had enough of this.
General Wants to make everyone a member of her family. Deuced peculiar.
Petypon Yes.
General Escaped loony. Never mind. Who cares about her?
Petypon (aside) Charming.
General You we’re talkin’ about. Don’t know how glad I am … you, your wife, in each other’s arms at last.
Petypon My wi …? Oh, my wife.
General Damn fool you if you don’t appreciate her. Pretty … no, exquisite … adorable … Adorable, you fool.
He pokes Petypon in the ribs.
General Exquisite, you oaf. (Poke.) Delightful. (Poke.) And you go chasin’ after someone else.
Petypon Uncle Charles, you seem quite fond of her yourself.
General Me? Hah. No secret. If she wasn’t your wife … or my niece … ‘Houp-la. This one’s for me.’ What, what?
Petypon Yes? What?
General What d’you mean, what? Oh, what? You mean if I … if you … I say! Make you my sole heir, in a flash, that’s what.
Petypon What?
General What, what?
Petypon (aside) To think it’s been so easy all along. (Aloud.) All right, Uncle Charles. I’ll tell you. She isn’t my wife.
General Ha, ha, ha.
Petypon Pardon?
General Damn funny. Ha, ha, ha. You are a card.
Petypon But Uncle Charles …
General You never stop. Ha, ha, ha. You never stop.
Étienne appears.
Étienne Monsieur …
General (inspired) Not your wife, eh? We’ll see, we’ll see. (To Étienne.) I say, chappie. Whose wife is Madame Petypon? (To Petypon.) Don’t prompt the fellow.
Étienne The Doctor’s wife. Doctor Petypon’s wife.
General There. Told you.
Étienne (aside) I don’t understand it.
Petypon (aside) What a man! Never believes a word you say, unless you’re lying.
Étienne Monsieur, the gentlemen who arrived some time ago want to know if you’ve forgotten them.
General Course we haven’t. Send ’em in.
Exit Étienne.
Petypon (aside) This is all I need.
General Piece of advice: keep your wife out of it.
Petypon Well, naturally.
General What d’you mean, ‘Well, naturally’? You don’t even know what I was going to say. Corignon’s agreed. Keep reasons for the duel hush-hush.
Petypon Hush-hush? Good, good.
General Even seconds’ll know nothin’ about it.
Petypon Yes, yes.
General We’ll tell ’em nothin’.
Petypon No, no.
General Reasons for duel: anything you like.
Petypon Fine, fine.
General He said … you said … doesn’t matter.
Petypon No, no.
General General harassment … annoyance … no need to be precise.
Petypon Good, good. (Aside) Doesn’t bother me. I’m not fighting.
General I say!
Petypon What’s the matter now?
General You’ve only got one second.
Petypon Oh no.
General Can’t be both seconds myself.
Petypon Oh, no. We’d better call it off.
General Won’t hear of it.
The Duke appears, sees the General and tries to escape.
Duke Golly.
General He’ll do. I say, d’you mind?
Duke You see, General, I –
General All right. Won’t eacher. You can be second second.
Duke Second – ?
General Second. Second second, man.
Duke But.
General No need to worry. Let me do talkin’. You agree.
Duke Oh, I agree, I do agree. (Aside.) Why did I come.
Étienne (at the door) Lieutenant Marollier and Monsieur Varlin.
General Gentlemen …
They come in. Petypon introduces them to the General and the Duke.
Petypon My seconds.
Marollier (stiffly) Mon général, it was with pride that I learned I was to defend my principal’s interests against a second of your importance. Sir, I shall be punctilious.
General Should hope you will. And lookee here, while this duel’s happenin’ none of that ‘Mon général’ rubbish. Equal gentlemen, each serving his principal…
Marollier Yes, mon général. Trouble is, afterwards, you’ll be a genera
l again and I’ll be a lieutenant.
General Well spotted that man. But till then: equal. Equal.
Marollier (introducing Varlin) Monsieur Varlin, the second second.
General The Duke of –
He gestures to the Duke, and accidentally slaps him.
Duke Ow.
General Get out of the way, dammit.
Duke I agree.
General The Duke of Valmonté.
Duke I do agree.
General For heaven’s sake put those flowers down.
Duke Pardon?
General Fightin’ a duel, not flower bazaar.
Duke Oh, I agree.
Varlin Perhaps his Grace thinks he’s the second at a marriage?
Marollier Don’t you start. Control yourself.
General Please be seated, gentlemen.
Marollier Thank you, mon général.
He and the General sit. Varlin looL· for a chair. The General gestures at the Ecstatic Chair.
General There’s one. Arms open to greetcha.
Varlin No thanks.
He finds a chair and sits. Only the Duke is now standing.
General Gentlemen, sure you know … (To the Duke.) Sit down, can’t you? Damn fool.
The Duke sits, sulkily.
General Now, gentlemen, sure you know how all this started. Nothin’ serious. Know the kind of thing. ‘Krug’s best champagne money can buy.’ ‘No it ain’t.’ ‘Yes it is.’ That kind of thing.
Marollier Exactly. Your principal goes for Krug, ours swears by Veuve Clicquot.
General Does, does he?
Marollier Ev-er-y time.
Petypon Do I?
General There you are, then. Seems to me my chappie’s injured party. No question.
Marollier Quite right. Except…
General Except?
Marollier It’s entirely different.
General Quite right and different? Explain yourself.
Marollier My principal is the injured party.
General Your principal?
Marollier He was the one offended by what your principal said.
General More fool him, then. Remark wasn’t even addressed to him. Looking for an excuse to insult my principal.
Marollier But my principal…
General My principal…
Marollier Mon général…
General Never mind ‘Mon général’.
Marollier But…
General (getting up) As you were! How dare you? Lieutenant contradict a general?
Marollier (getting up) I’m sorry, mon général.
General Have you cashiered. Damn fool.
Petypon None of it matters, in any case. I take it back, whatever I said. No need for a duel.
General Mind your own business.
Marollier Quite right, mon général. (To Petypon.) Mind your own business.
Varlin (getting up) Mind your own business when you’re told.
Petypon (aside) Charming. My duel, my head, my … charming.
Duke What’s she doing all this time?
The General sees that he is still sitting.
General Get up, can’t you? Damn fool.
Duke (getting up sulkily) Oh, fiddle.
General (as they all sit again) Gentlemen. My principal … (To the Duke, who is still standing.) Sit DOWN, for heaven’s sake.
The Duke sits down abruptly, on his flowers.
Duke My roses.
General I insist: my principal, injured party.
Marollier Yes, yes, mon général. Of course.
General And as injured party, choice of weapons. Rules out swords – damn good job. Not man for swords. Corignon would spit him like a chicken.
Petypon Nasty.
Marollier Of course, of course.
General Don’t you agree, Duke?
Duke (to himself) I can’t give her this now.
General Duke.
Duke Eh?
General Asked you, what d’you think?
Duke Me? (Blowing through his lips, idiotically.) Prrrrfffffft.
General Thanks. (To Varlin.) What about you, Monsieur?
Varlin Nothing to do with me.
Marollier You’re doing it again.
General Bad as each other. Never mind. So long as we agree. Pistols.
They all rise.
Marollier and Varlin Pistols.
Petypon Don’t be ridiculous.
Everyone What?
Petypon Pistols? I’m not having this. It’s out of the question.
Everyone Eh?
Petypon This is my quarrel, my duel, I’ve got choice of weapons, and I choose … scalpels.
General That is ridiculous.
Marollier This isn’t a farce, you know.
Enter Gabrielle.
Gabrielle What’s all the shouting?
Petypon (who hasn’t seen her) It’s my duel and those are my weapons.
Gabrielle Lucien. You’re fighting a duel? Darling, no. They’ll hurt you.
Petypon Leave me alone.
General She never stops.
Gabrielle Lucien, darling, please say you won’t do it. Think of me. I love you.
General AhHA!
Marollier Madame, madame, no one said anything about a duel.
General Hey? What?
Marollier Just a friendly chat.
General Ah.
Gabrielle But I heard you. Lucien. Darling.
General Darling, hey? That’s it! No wonder she’s always here. (To the Duke.) Take a good look: this is the kind of woman men put above their homes and marriages. Gentlemen …
He bundles the Duke and Varlin together to push them out. The Duke’s flowers are crushed again.
Duke My roses.
General (pushing them to the door) Continue this conversation some other time.
The others Yes, General.
General Another time.
He pushes them out, then rounds on Petypon.
General Plain as daylight. Nuff said. Your mistress.
Petypon Pardon?
Gabrielle What was that?
Petypon Uncle Charles…
General Don’t speak to me.
Gabrielle His mistress?
Petypon Don’t get involved.
Gabrielle What do you mean, his mistress?
The General fetches Shrimp.
General Poor child, come in. See how best friend’s betrayed you. Husband’s mistress.
Shrimp (aside) Oo-er.
Gabrielle I am not his mistress. I’m his wife.
General Wife? What d’you mean?
Petypon I’ll explain.
General Here’s wife, here.
Gabrielle No, she’s your wife.
Petypon Don’t get involved.
Shrimp (aside) Someone’s for it.
General My wife? Her? Ha, ha, ha. That’s a good one.
He collapses, to Petypon’s glee, into the Ecstatic Chair.
Petypon (aside) The chair.
He rushes and presses the handle, but the General gets up.
General Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Petypon Missed.
Gabrielle Uncle Charles, will you please explain?
Petypon No! He mustn’t!
Enter Mongicourt.
Mongicourt General, I have to talk to you.
Petypon Too late!
He falls into the Ecstatic Chair, which is still on, and is frozen.
General Refuse to listen.
Mongicourt I insist.
General Not a word, Monsieur. After what your wife has done.
Mongicourt What wife?
General (pointing to Gabrielle) This wife.
Gabrielle Me?
Mongicourt She’s not my wife.
Gabrielle I’m Lucien’s wife.
Shrimp (who has meantime crept to the door) Well, byebye all.
She escapes unnoticed.
General Don’t be ridiculous. I know his wife. Met the woman. He brought her to Touraine in pers
on.
Gabrielle Oh, he did, did he?
General In any case, know perfectly well you’re wife of Monsieur Whatdyemacallit here. Mangycur.
Mongicourt and Gabrielle What?
General What is this? New fashion, is it? Everyone pretending wife belongs to someone else? Even try an’ tell me Lucien’s wife is my wife. Goin’ a bit far, what, goin’ a little far.
Gabrielle What’s he talking about?
General Nuff said. His wife my wife. Where is she? Gabrielle … Gabrielle …
He goes looking for Shrimp. The others follow him.
General Stand out of the way, God dammit!
Gabrielle …
Exit.
Mongicourt This is getting beyond me.
Gabrielle (to Petypon) You … you … passing off your mistress as your wife. (To Mongicourt.) Just look at him. He’s laughing at me.
She rushes to slap him.
Mongicourt Don’t do that! You haven’t got the gloves.
Gabrielle Where are they?
Mongicourt Don’t bother.
She rummages on the desk until she finds them.
Gabrielle Of course I’ll bother.
She puts them on and moves back to the Ecstatic Chair.
You cheated me. I trusted you and you, you …
She slaps him, hard. He doesn’t move.
You took a mistress.
Slap.
And now you sit there laughing.
Slap. Mongicourt hurries and presses the release handle.
Mongicourt You’ve made your point.
Petypon (as he wakes up) Cuckoo.
Gabrielle What?
Petypon Cuckoo, my beloved.
Gabrielle Cuckoo, now?
She slaps him again.
Petypon Ow.
Gabrielle Uncle Charles has told me everything.
Everything’s over between us. I’m going back to Mother.
Petypon Gabrielle, please.
Gabrielle Don’t try to smarm round me. My mind’s made up. Nothing you say will ever change me.
Petypon Oh, all right.
Gabrielle I’m leaving.
Petypon If you like.
Gabrielle We’re getting a divorce.
Petypon Whatever you say.
Gabrielle I’m taking back my dowry.
Petypon Of course you – What?
Gabrielle It’s over. (She points to the door.) Never darken my door again.
Petypon Yes, dear.
He drags his steps to the door, turns and says, pathetically:
I’m going back … to Nanny.
Exit.
Mongicourt You were a bit hard.
Gabrielle Playing around at his age. One wife not enough for him. Well, now he can have as many as he likes.