Plays 2 Read online

  Enter Étienne.

  Étienne The Duke of Valmonté.

  Gabrielle Couldn’t be better.

  Enter Duke. Exit Étienne.

  Duke Not again.

  She grabs him.

  Gabrielle Come here, darling. You couldn’t have come at a better time.

  Duke and Mongicourt What?

  Gabrielle You sent me a letter, said you loved me.

  Duke Did I?

  Gabrielle Don’t deny it. I won’t make you suffer.

  Duke What’s she talking about?

  Mongicourt You’ll soon find out.

  Gabrielle (taking a flower from the Duke’s bouquet) First, this flower from your bouquet for my corsage.

  Duke Don’t do that.

  Gabrielle A token of our love.

  Duke You’ll ruin them.

  Gabrielle And now, Duke … take me!

  She throws herself into his arms, crushing his bouquet again.

  Duke No. Aaargh! No.

  Gabrielle Take me, take me. Let me slake my vengeance in your loving arms.

  He drags her to the door, unable to free himself.

  Duke Let me alone. Help. Mama.

  He breaks free and exit.

  Gabrielle What’s wrong with him?

  Mongicourt Don’t ask.

  Gabrielle Men are all the same. All talk, and if you take them at their word…

  Petypon’s voice is heard from upstage, distant and ethereal.

  Petypon Gabrielle …

  Gabrielle Who’s that?

  Petypon Your angel.

  Mongicourt (aside) Now what?

  Gabrielle kneels.

  Gabrielle I recognise your voice.

  Mongicourt pulls the curtain to the bedroom. Petypon is there, with sheet and lamp, like Shrimp in Act One.

  Mongicourt (aside) Lucien.

  Petypon Shhh.

  Mongicourt This is ridiculous.

  Petypon Gabrielle …

  Gabrielle I’m listening.

  Petypon You’re making a terrible mistake. Your husband is the best of men.

  Enter the General.

  Petypon Oh, for heaven’s sake.

  He hides his face.

  General Laughin’ at me. Laughin’.

  He sees the apparition.

  I say.

  Petypon That’s torn it.

  He starts waving his arms, trying to frighten the General.

  General What the devil … ?

  Gabrielle Uncle Charles. In the nick of time. Dear Saint Michael, forgive me in advance for what I’m going to do. It’s to convince a heretic.

  She picks up a sword and waves it about.

  Petypon What’s she doing?

  Gabrielle Watch this, Uncle Charles, and believe in God.

  She goes towards the bed, waving the sword.

  Mongicourt You mustn’t. I can’t stand it. Ha. ha, ha.

  Petypon Gabrielle, not the sword. No! No!

  Gabrielle (recognising him) Oh.

  Petypon Now don’t do anything silly.

  Gabrielle (rushing at him) You’ve been doing this on purpose.

  Petypon jumps off the bed, keeping it between them. She tries to get at him.

  Petypon Gabrielle!

  Gabrielle Stay exactly where you are.

  Petypon (breaking for it) Help.

  Gabrielle (chasing) I’ll teach you.

  Mongicourt (as Petypon interposes him between them) Oh.

  Ah. Oh.

  He gets out of the way. Petypon dodges round the General and exit, followed by Gabrielle. Mongicourt collapses in laughter.

  Mongicourt Hahahaha. Poor old Petypon.

  General Ha, ha, ha. Ghosts, eh? Ha, ha, ha.

  Mongicourt Ha, ha, ha. What am I laughing at?

  General Nephew wants to fool the world. Can’t be done. Nuff said. By the way, Monsieur, must offer you humble apologies.

  Mongicourt Me, General?

  General Know everythin’ now. Dear child told me everythin’ out there. Dear, sweet child … Can you imagine, never been to Morocco? T’other one: not Madame Mongicourt.

  Mongicourt She’s Madame Petypon.

  General Know that. Now. Yesterday, mind, when I thought … when I gave you …

  He gestures a slap.

  Mongicourt Oh, yes.

  General Admittedly, only a slap. But insult in intention. Slap meant for you only so long as you were your wife’s husband.

  Mongicourt Ah.

  General But since you’re not, slap’s not yours. Not to keep. Just for delivery.

  Mongicourt Pardon?

  General Belongs to Lucien. So, deliver it.

  Mongicourt Oh, yes.

  Enter Petypon.

  General Ha! Nick of time.

  Petypon (aside) Please, God forgive me. One last lie, to convince my wife. (To Gabrielle, off.) Gabrielle, come on.

  He takes her hand and leads her in.

  General There you are. Warn you, know everything now. You lied to me.

  Petypon I did?

  Gabrielle What now?

  General Dear child you called your wife ain’t wife at all. This lady: wife.

  Petypon That’s what I’ve been killing myself trying to tell you.

  General Made a fool of me. Nuff said. Chap’s heir. Nothin’ changes that.

  Petypon (overjoyed) It doesn’t?

  General But everything’s over between us. Never see you again, as long as I live.

  Petypon (aside) Better and better. (Aloud.) Oh, Uncle Charles.

  General No, never.

  Gabrielle Uncle Charles, please forgive him. When he pretended she was his wife he was doing a good deed. He knew she was Corignon’s mistress, and it was to avoid a scandal, to prevent the cancelling of the marriage, that he told this holy lie.

  General That’s as maybe. Fact remains, made a fool of me.

  Shrimp comes to the door, stopping at the threshold.

  Everyone Oh.

  Shrimp (to the General) Come on, Charlie. What’s keeping you?

  General Won’t be a moment, darlin’.

  Everyone Oh.

  Mongicourt (to Petypon) The General and I have made up our quarrel.

  Petypon Oh?

  Mongicourt He found a way to solve it. We decided he gave me the slap just for delivery.

  Petypon Really?

  Mongicourt That’s all right with you?

  Petypon No skin off my nose.

  Mongicourt If you say so.

  He slaps him, hard.

  Petypon Ow.

  General Touché.

  Petypon That hurt.

  Gabrielle (running to him) Lucien!

  Mongicourt A present from the General.

  General (to Shrimp) Ready when you are.

  Petypon (mistaking him, worried about another duel) When I am?

  General (indicating Shrimp) No, when she is.

  Shrimp ‘Houp-la.’ (Patting the General’s cheek.) ‘This one’s for me.’

  Tableau as the curtain falls and we reach

  The End.

  She’s All Yours

  La Main passe

  Characters

  Alcide Chanal

  Francine, his wife

  Hubertin

  Coustillou, a politician

  Émile Massenay

  Sophie, his wife

  Inspector Germal

  Inspector Planteloup

  Belgence

  Lapige

  Auguste, Étienne, Madeleine, Marthe, servants

  Police constable

  Porters

  The scene is Paris, at the start of the twentieth century. The first three acts take place in March, Act Four a year later, in June.

  Act One

  Sitting-room in the Chanal household, comfortably furnished in the latest style. To one side are glass doors leading to the hall, to the other side Chanal’s office, partitioned off with door and large windows allowing us to see what happens inside. Double doors at rear to the rest of
the house.

  At the start of the act Chanal is fiddling with a cylinder phonograph. He gets everything ready, then picks up a piece of paper with a message written on it, starts the machine, clears his throat and declaims.

  Chanal ‘My dearest sister …’ (Cough.) Cahum! ‘So the deed is done. From today you’ll be a married woman: this afternoon in the sight of the law, this evening in the bed of your husband.’ Not bad at all. ‘A sobering thought indeed – especially for me, because I know exactly what’s involved.’

  Enter Francine from the hall: she’s been out and wears gloves and a fur stole.

  Francine Ready when you are.

  Chanal silences her with an imperious gesture, then gets back to his recording.

  Chanal ‘Unfortunately, I can’t be at your side at this crucial time. An ocean stands between us. But at least my voice will wave across the waves, advising you.’

  Francine explodes with laughter. He silences her with the same imperiousness, and declaims again.

  Chanal ‘You’ll discover a secret, penetrate a mystery, the one on all young women’s minds …’

  Francine What are you doing?

  Chanal For heaven’s sake be quiet.

  Francine No need to shout.

  Ghana! Sh! I’m recording.

  Francine How stupid you are –

  Chanal (exasperated) Oh!

  He stops the machine, gestures her to be quiet, and starts it again.

  Francine (continuing serenely) – to record in here.

  Chanal Don’t be ridiculous. And keep your mouth shut. That’s a cylinder wasted.

  Francine ‘A cylinder in time …’

  Chanal Don’t tell me. Don’t you ever listen to yourself?

  Francine Pardon?

  Chanal You could see I was recording.

  Francine What were you recording?

  Chanal Nothing. A message for Caroline. For New York: the wedding. And you come in and … It hasn’t got a brain, you know. Doesn’t sort things out. It records everything it hears.

  Francine You mean, everything, exactly … ?

  Chanal Listen.

  He plays the cylinder back.

  Phonograph ‘ “My dearest sister …” (Cough.) Cahum! “So the deed is done. From today you’ll be a married woman: this afternoon in the sight of the law, this evening in the bed of your husband.” Not bad at all. “A sobering thought indeed – especially for me, because I know exactly what’s involved.”’ ‘Ready when you are.’

  Chanal (over it) How nice! You’re ready.

  Phonograph ‘ “Unfortunately, I can’t be at your side at this crucial time. An ocean stands between us. But at least my voice will wave across the waves, advising you.” ’ ‘Ha, ha, ha.’ ‘Shh! “You’ll discover a secret, penetrate a mystery, the one on all young women’s minds …” ’ ‘What are you doing?’ ‘For heaven’s sake be quiet.’ ‘No need to shout.’ ‘Sh! I’m recording.’ ‘How stupid you are – ’

  He switches it off.

  Chanal Satisfied?

  Francine That wasn’t me on there.

  Chanal What?

  Francine It wasn’t.

  Chanal It made you up?

  Francine I didn’t say ‘How stupid you are –’. I said, ‘How-stupid-you-are-to-record-in-here.’ Totally different.

  Chanal I stopped it.

  Francine That’s how gossip starts.

  Chanal It’s a machine!

  Francine Put another cylinder in, and start again. You can get rid of that stupid stuff about the ocean.

  Chanal What stupid stuff about the ocean?

  Francine ‘My voice will wave across the waves.’

  Chanal It was a joke.

  Francine A joke, at your sister’s wedding.

  Chanal Really.

  Francine ‘From today you’ll be a married woman: this afternoon in the sight of the law, this evening in the bed of your husband.’ What a thing to tell a bride on her wedding day.

  Chanal It’s not exactly a secret.

  Francine So why remind her? Voice waving across the waves, a smutty cylinder – what are you doing to her?

  Chanal Smutty?

  Francine Are you sending full instructions? You’re like those people, you say you’re going to a play, they say, ‘Ah, you’ll really enjoy it. Especially the bit when he says this, and she goes …’ You sit there watching, and all the time you’re thinking, ‘I know what’s going to happen!’ Let them find out for themselves. Caroline may not enjoy it, but at least it’ll come as a surprise.

  Chanal How d’you know she won’t enjoy it?

  Francine What?

  Chanal What proof d’you have?

  Francine Experience.

  Chanal You know nothing about it.

  He removes the cylinder and puts in a new one.

  Never mind. Your lunch is getting cold. Ring for Étienne. I’ve had mine. It’s no way to run a household, the husband having his lunch and then, some other time, the wife having her lunch.

  Francine Why didn’t you wait, then?

  Chanal Oh, fine. It’s my fault!

  Enter Étienne.

  Chanal Madame would like her lunch.

  Étienne Yes, Monsieur.

  Exit.

  Chanal What do you do out there? Every day it’s the same. You’ve been out since nine this morning.

  Francine That’s why I’m back early.

  Chanal Early!

  Francine (confronting him) What is it? What d’you think’s going on? Admit it: you think I’ve got a lover.

  Chanal (quizzically) Do I now?

  Francine You’re always the same. Always think the worst. So now it’s a lover.

  Chanal shrugs.

  Francine What’s that supposed to mean?

  Chanal Darling, don’t be silly. Of course you haven’t a lover.

  Francine What?

  Chanal It’s obvious.

  Francine Really?

  Chanal Some women are born to have lovers, others … aren’t.

  Francine Aren’t they?

  Chanal I’ve lived five years with you. I know you. A lover? Don’t be silly. You were born to be a wife, a mother – it’s not our fault we don’t have children. It’s just not you, a lover. It isn’t: trust me.

  Francine Well, I didn’t want to tell you, but you’ve made me. (With force.) I … have … a … lover.

  Chanal Of course you have.

  Francine A lover. He loves me, and I love him.

  Chanal I congratulate you both.

  Francine I’ve a lover. A lover, a lover, a lover.

  Chanal And I want you to give him my regards.

  Francine Oh!

  Chanal Darling, you’re trying too hard. You’re pulling my leg. A lover? You’re … out of your league.

  Francine What?

  Chanal The league of honest women. I’m sorry.

  Francine How dare you say that to me?

  Chanal I’m right.

  Francine You’re not.

  Chanal Am.

  Francine Not.

  Chanal Don’t be silly.

  Doorbell, off.

  Look me in the face and tell me you’ve a lover.

  Francine You are so … annoying!

  Chanal See? What a silly, what a silly!

  He pats her cheek. She pulls away. Enter Étienne.

  Étienne Monsieur, a gentleman.

  He hands Chanal a visiting card on a salver.

  Chanal Hubertin! What does he want? Show him in.

  Exit Étienne.

  Francine Who’s Hubertin?

  Chanal From the club …

  Étienne shows in Hubertin.

  Étienne Monsieur Hubertin.

  Exit.

  Hubertin Morning.

  Chanal Morning. Allow me: Monsieur Hubertin from the bridge club, Madame Chanal.

  Hubertin Madame …

  Francine Monsieur …

  Hubertin I say, haven’t we met before?

  Francine I don�
�t think so.

  Hubertin Don’t you know someone in my building?

  Francine I don’t even know your building.

  Hubertin 21 rue du Colisée.

  Francine (quickly) No. Sorry. You’re mistaken.

  Hubertin Mm?

  Chanal Of course you are. We don’t know anyone.

  Hubertin Ah well, no harm done. I’m sorry.

  Francine No harm done.

  She sits.

  Chanal What can we do for you? Do sit down.

  Hubertin It’s all right, it won’t take a moment. You know the club rules: all debts must be paid within twenty-four hours. I’ve come to settle up.

  Chanal Oh, no need. Rules are for professionals … not people who know each other.

  Hubertin (taking out his wallet) No, no. Neither a borrower nor a lender be. Many a mickle maks a muckle.

  Chanal The thing is … last night … you were at something of a …

  Hubertin What d’you mean?

  Chanal You know.

  Hubertin You mean I was squiffy.

  Chanal I wasn’t implying –

  Hubertin It’s all right. I don’t mind. (To Francine.) The thing is, you know what it’s like, when the sun is over the yardarm …

  Francine What yardarm?

  Hubertin No, no, it’s a habit. The colonies, don’t you know?

  Francine The colonies.

  Hubertin Out there for years. And when in Rome, as the saying goes. Sun over the yardarm, glass in the hand. You have to do it. Picked up the habit. And even now I’m home … don’t seem to lose the taste for it. Colonial manners, don’t you know. Not soaking it up, just … colonial manners.

  Francine I see.

  Chanal When in Rome …

  Hubertin I said that, didn’t I? Trouble is, my wife can’t see it.

  Francine Ah. Well, she … Yes.

  Hubertin It’s all right for her. She’s from out there. Half a dozen cocktails, she’s got the head for it. But me? Try to keep up with her – well, you do, don’t you – fall flat on my face each time. Embarrassing.

  Francine, Chanal Oh, very.

  Hubertin (in a different tone, holding out a banknote) So, here we are. Nine hundred and eighty francs. Here’s a thousand. No, don’t worry: all’s fair and square. I find a glass or two keeps me up to the mark, clears the head, steadies the hands … and for bridge, it’s unbeatable. I see everything double.

  Chanal How d’you tell the cards?

  Hubertin Perfectly simple: I divide by two.

  Chanal Of course.

  Doorbell, off.

  Hubertin Clever, eh?

  Chanal Nine hundred and eighty francs. I’ll get your change.

  He goes towards the office. Enter Étienne.